On my thread it was suggested (maybe you were one of them) that W knows, clearly, that the "friends" or "buddy" system would end along with the marriage, should it get to that point. I took that advice, let W know that and it seemed to bother her, I think she was assuming "the same, just D" meme again that some seem to get...idk.
W has some things that she did, from what little she has told me, that she is very reluctant to disclose...which I find interesting because I am probably one of the most open-minded, can understand the psychological drives behind most things, kind of person. I have spent time trying to figure out, imagine, whatever...I can't think of anything so bad I couldn't forgive, unless it was torturing kittens and puppies, or abusing/taking advantage of someone , etc...But I DO know W has a very easily triggered and exaggerated sense of shame/guilt, so idk...
I like your stance, just what is it they did, and it should be known what we are standing or divorcing for.
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Yup I was one of those, and so ironic that a day later my H played that same card. I mean who stays married for friendship? Similarities between my H and your W are ever growing. My H told me about a week ago I'm the only opinion he values or listens to, the only person he cares about what he/she thinks and thinks about him. Obviously he has a deep tie to me, just not a physical or romantic one. That's really nice to be needed and wanted like that, but I want more from him and the void of that is too painful to be friends. And to be honest the pain of the cheating and his brushing it off, and stating there is more beyond that...I just don't know if I even want this. Not like I have to decide. I already know I don't want him like this and he shows no sign of changing or growing or remorse.
I think whatever it was in his past was something when he was young, which is why I thought it was abuse against him. I think it is blown way bigger in his head and my guess would still be abuse against him that he is thinking he let happen or wanted to happen. Who knows. He has always been a sweet loving and honest person who cares and does so much for friends and family. Hard for me to think he did something unforgivable as a kid that he has hidden all these years.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
So the worse than affairs: he had sex with ow1. He hasn't had sex with any of the others. Weird. Okay. Because he had only confirmed kissing before. I'm not sure about all this, but I left it alone. He was very serious about only having sex with her and not sure why it would matter to hide the rest if he had. I only thought he had sex with #4 too anyway. I think there is still more, but more of an internal thing with him, not me or OW. At least that's where the hint is.
Seems like he goes with the additonal OW when he and ow1 are broken up, which seems to happen a lot. OWs will be with him because he tells them we are over. He said OW1 stopped talking to him when i announced we were pregnant om FB. Yup. Thats how she found out. (Okay can I tell you how hard it was not to laugh at that point? I know I smiled.) That's when he would have hooked up with #2. So now this is playing into more what I had expected with MLC, that there is usually one main OW and they don't see each other as buddies having sex. I think he is planning future relationship with OW1. Right now they are off.
So I said a lot of very non DB stuff tonight. I was angry. He was mad that " why now." Why not before when he wanted me to get this mad. I'm like why would you do all this and not D. He doesn't know what he wants. of course I'm going to act like this. It's like I'm supposed to just smile and be okay with it all? I attacked ow1. I made threats about him bringing OW1 into the kids lives. I apologized for it, but I think in my heart that is to make the D go smoother. I am still mad as hell. I am not okay with ow1 being near my kids ever.
More past relationship stuff. Ugh that part is so draining. I feel like it's so pointless. Like we are not even talking about us. It's good for me to validate and everything I know, but I absolutely hate it. He brings up all this stuff about me as that is the reason we are divorcing. All the stuff he never communicated about before. Oh and the new one: he never wanted more kids after son#2. Like we keep starting over and we were to a place we could pick up and go easier. Yeah I should have been able to mind read that one right. Should have realized he did not want kids when he plays such a limited role in that.
I told him I would see a lawyer. He kept saying he is only moving because he has to and doesn't want to get stuck somewhere in a contract so rather get his own place. It's not to be with anyone. He's definitely putting out reasons for me not to file. This should be a blessing to him right? I'm going to file. He gets his own place. I just told him it doesn't matter. He is being with ow and legally married to me. He told me he wouldn't do that while we were S. I have no choice no matter what he does.
I rambled a hell of a lot tonight. Yup it all came up. MLC, his 180s saying this is more than marriage issues. Oh my hell I don't even want to type out all the stuff that came up and came spewing out my mouth. 9 months of randomize thoughts.
My mind is numb. But one thing I'm feeling is some relief. I'm taking action and I feel good about it. I can't just stay married to someone openingly cheating on me.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Raine, this has got to be so, so hurtful for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, especially now in the wonderful afterglow of just having had a new baby!
You are still remarkable. Still holding true to yourself. In the most trying of circumstances.
My H also dumped many, many things on me that I did wrong through the years. It was interesting to see him continue to complain about things as if they were in the present even though the thing he was complaining about hadn't happened for say, two years.
The person in MLC is walking to a different time clock. The only thing I can figure is that some of these irritating things we do as spouses, trigger something deep inside them that is unresolved and they have to overreact and make these poor decisions to try to fix this broken thing way inside.
And how long are we willing to hang around with having our hearts trampled on?
I think so highly of you, Raine. Always know your friends here understand a lot of what you are going through and are sending bundles and bundles of love your way!
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
As I was reading through your post, the thing that got my panties in a twist was that he kept bringing up things that you did to lead to a D.
My exact thought as I read that sentence... Give me a freakin break!
Of course he's going to blame you, and come up with ridiculous things that happened years ago. Or maybe things that never even happened at all. Or maybe things that have a sliver of truth.
So what you weren't perfect, neither was he.
His rotating OW just prove, once again, that this is not about you. Until he faces himself and figures sh!t out, he gonna be on the hamster wheel.
Now back to you...
What you do while he's on the hamster wheel is up to you. You do what you think is best for you and your precious boys. I know you always do
Sorry you are hurting. We're here for you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T and RH thank you so much. I dont know where I'd be without you. I don't know what to do now. I do need to see a lawyer. I don't know about filing or how to handle me back tracking if I don't. He should file. I'm not ready to date but ready to change the finances. I just think doing so means he will fully date OW. I don't know what in doing or feeling. Why can't I just let him go and move on? I need to figure things out. I want to ask him what he wants, why he still has one foot here when he clearly doesn't want me.
I need to tell him I can't be his friend at the end of this. I also want to tell him the following in regards to all his attacks on me as that being the reason we separated: I take ownership for all the things I did wrong. But I take ownership for all I did right, and that far outweighs the wrong. I was a great wife. Reading the five love languages--I was already doing them all to one degree or another. I could do many things better and I'm not making excuses for that. In the same vein I know of the things where you failed, where you could have done better, but the good far outweighs the bad, and that's what I choose to focus on. I take ownership for the things I did wrong, but I won't take ownership or blame for yours. I am not the cause of your mistakes.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
"Affair busting is best when the two partners are pushed closer together and all the needs must be met by each other."
Your H depends on you as a friend and confidant, but does not reciprocate. I know you worry about him being full-time with OW1, but maybe that's just what the doctor ordered...
Of course that means you have to be fully prepared for him to be with her.
Can you do it?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
He brings up all this stuff about me as that is the reason we are divorcing. All the stuff he never communicated about before.
That's likely because it wasn't ever really an issue worth talking about. Just things that he could use to "justify" what he's doing. Not to you. To himself and others that will listen. Good for the OW for breaking up with him when she found out. Shame she doesn't just kick him to the curb the rest of the way for lying, right? Her problem.
He knows he is lying. He knows he is f'd up. He knows he is not getting the reactions he expected and wanted from you according to "his plan". That's ok, R. It's about him, but that doesn't mean you have to play that part he wrote for you. It's one reason he is having such a hard time - he wrote the play but you aren't acting it the way he wrote it. And that's because he made it up. Sure, some of it is based on truth. There's always a sliver of truth in the best lies.
See it for what it is. He's f'd up, he knows it, but he hasn't hit that bottom.
He crossed lines. You'll have to decide (and mean it) if they are lines you not willing to tolerate. But no matter what, you need to shake off the lies and BS. He is simply trying to "justify" it to himself and the others he lies to. It's one reason they tend to pick new friends - the old ones see the lies and the trainwreck. And a MLCr cannot tolerate hearing about themselves. They just can't.
One reason you feel "relieved" right now is that you have been bottling up the emotions. If you're anything like many of us, it's because you wanted to see what would happen and didn't know 100% that H cheated, although you had a pretty good idea. Not guessing any longer is a bit of a relief. Letting out those emotions is a relief. But that doesn't mean that tomorrow you won't be on the other side of the roller-coaster. What just happened was a traumatic reminder. Know that you'll cycle a bit in the next few days/weeks/months. It won't be pleasant as you get that poison out of you. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to the kids (of course you will, but otherwise it's a run-on sentence and put the anger where it appropriately belongs only. And don't stay there in the anger too long, ok?
If it helps, I've been where you are to some degree. Many of us have. It's devastating and liberating at the same time to no longer be guessing and tumbling along in the dark. It's a raucous jumble of a ride.
TVS is right. He has been relying on you as a friend when he was prepared to fight with you.
Before you get that angry, figure out if he crossed a line that you cannot ever come back from. It might be best to tell him that talking to him "doesn't work for me" for a while.
But only you can know what is best for you and when it is best. Since there will be a flood of emotions in the near future, not talking to him might be a good idea.
My heart goes out to you Raine. I know it's tough to hear and go through this. At least realize what he says is cr*p and even he knows it. You are a great woman, mother, and I'm sure a great and very loving wife. My hat's off to you and I am very impressed by you.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
