Continuing The Positive Changes

[ThisDayForward]

Gabby,

yes to this. to scared.

Or did when she snapped out of it, were you too scared to discuss anything and just go with it?

I'm getting close to giving her the ultimatum. When I do I will be sticking to it otherwise it makes me even weaker. I am not going to go through this silent treatment and no communication

[ThisDayForward]

Gabby I will take all the support I can get

[25yearsmlc]

Not sure how to lay down the law. If I tell her that something is unacceptable I get this response text book

"nobody is asking you to stay here"

The only law I could see is ultimatum or make her start owning that she is unwilling to work on the M.

Good luck "making her start owning" things...

she does not care about owning things. She has told you this outright, by saying, among other things, she is NOT interested in ANY counselling or meds for her "hormonal" issues (code for batchit crazy but worse at certain times).

I mean it is obvious I need to detach from the behavior as much as possible.

yes it is obvious

The fear I have is this snowballing into months. Which I know I have choices. I could leave the home. (I don't want to do this, I love my home and worked my azz off for it)

I could ask her to leave.

or live in separate rooms and file and GAL...or just GAL but live separately...I only say this b/c you seem stuck and unable to just get that the only thing that MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT wake her up, is you being prepared to divorce and survive and thrive....yes, without her.




I know my only 2 choices are really detach or divorce. It is that simple. I get it.


True....^^^^ and it's NOT easy but it is NOT complicated. Please remember that we all know it's not easy.

we all know each choice means giving something up. Each is a trade off.

Remember at EE how we talked about how ADULTS know we have to enter one room (ie make a choice) we do NOT get to stand in the doorway Not deciding, forever...?

your wife wants YOU to leave or YOU to file OR YOU to change and blah blah blah

none of it belongs to her.

but the reality is, most of it belongs to her. YOU CANNOT "MAKE HER" SEE that....

I made a call into a counselor today that strictly focuses on ACOA. I'm hoping we can work something out.

B how do you suggest laying the law without oversimplying stating lay the law. My sitch is odd. I have conflict avoident W and I become conflict avoiding out of fear. We are both ACOA. We both go to the reactive brain when communicating. On top of things based on some EE support I am pretty sure she has a mood disorder that I don't ever see her addressing. She also knows my love languages and does not speak to them. Almost perfect storm of crap.

The whole thing is just craziness really. This is same W that was using s e x toys with me 1 1/2 months ago that she introduced and went to a tropical island with me. This whole thing is bat shi t crazy. As many describe roller coaster that I am not liking

[25yearsmlc]

did not mean to post too early (Moderators, wth? How'd that happen?)

here


This is a "simple choice" (detach or divorce) os NOT easy but it is NOT complicated. Please remember that we all know it's not easy.

we all know each choice means giving something up. Each is a trade off.

Remember at EE how we talked about how ADULTS know we have to enter one room (ie make a choice)

and we do NOT get to stand in the doorway NOT deciding, NOT choosing, or trying to have to have both rooms in sight, forever...?

You seem to be stuck in the doorway b/c you don't like your choices. Well, welcome to DB land.

your wife wants YOU to leave or YOU to file OR YOU to change and blah blah blah

none of it belongs to her. Yet, we know most of it is hers.

Not relevant now. All that matters now is how YOU can be happy with your kids.

So, are you going to detach and GAL and stay?

Or move along?

you cannot do neither, because it's eating you alive

[25yearsmlc]

PS

your sitch is NOT that odd.

You need to stop making it more complicated than it is.
Read your posts and how

your wife is "NOT willing to do x, y and z...to repair or help the m"

not so complex....

[ThisDayForward]

Just journaling. I find it therapeutic.

As always thanks for the support. Yesterday was really draining for me. I called almost everyone on my support list to discuss the possibility of filing or giving ultimatum. Was disappointed in myself because yesterday I allowed my anxiety to control me.

When I got home from work my W actually talked my ear off about how her day went (not good, kids etc..stressed out stay at home mom) With the long weekend coming up I offered to take the day off and take the kids for the day. She declined and it made sense. My daughter was in school til noon and my son had a full day of school and the forecast is rain. Oddly after suggesting that she stopped talking to me and went silent. So I grabbed the kids and went out pizza and icecream. came home did their homework and gave baths, put them to bed.

After putting the kids to bed it was almost 9. I was FN drained but I went downstairs to the basement and grabbed my acoustic guitar and left for open mic. On the way out I respectfully told her I was heading to open mic that I would be home a little after 11. She shook her head didn't say much and I left.

I went to open mic and it was strange for me. It was a huge mix of people who just loved acoustic stuff. Euke's, mandolins, acoustics, 12 strings, banjos. Almost felt like Alanon for musicians. When I was there I almost left. I mean I am 39 and some of these guys were 80 playing songs from the 40's. As I got up to leave another kid jumped on the mic and his acoustic song was awesome. It drew me back in. I ended up staying to the very end. Next week I am going to bring some of my original tunes with me. The open mic ended with about 16 musicians playing all sorts of instruments playing the song wagon wheel. Really cool night and glad I forced myself out and stayed.

I purchased audio book codependent no more. It made me realize well I'm codependent. I was scheduled to go to Alanon last night but meeting was at 730 and because of the state of the union at the house last night with kids and W's stress level I rerouted.

I did realize one major trigger for me. Again I guess recognizing is half the battle. When my W txt me it is a trigger. I fall into the trap of hoping she replies back to my txt. It is a major trigger for me. Not sure why. But it is. So I came up with a plan. Reply back in away that sets the expectations of no response. Short replies like. Thx. Great. Ok. Sounds good.

So based on my W's response to taking the day off today I got up early showered and went to work. Will save the day off for a sunnier day.

Next week I plan on attending alanon. I am waiting on counselors to return calls. Really need to find a good one that is versed in ACoa, Codependency, anxiety etc..

I see the power of GAL. I wish I could GAL every night like that.It is difficult with 2 young kids but I am seeking for 2 nights a week out of the house and on the other nights I can practice my original songs for Thursday night. Guitar has been collecting dust for quite a while. One thing that really jumped out at me at the open mic is no matter how bad you suck up there nobody cares. They just want to hear you play

[ThisDayForward]

"So, are you going to detach and GAL and stay?

Or move along?

you cannot do neither, because it's eating you alive"

After last nights experience with GAL I think I am going to GAL and stay but.... if she tries to the divorce card on me again through this process I am going to call her out on it, make her own that she doesn't want to counsel and/or communicate, and essentially tell her I will start the process and file. Each time she has pulled the D word out and I said I would file she freaked. Its almost like her control card. This time Im prepared to file as much as it [censored]. I already have a L and he knows my sitch.

[jp787]

PON,

I am sorry you are at this point.

If you did not want D and to give more time, not sure that you want to give more time, but could you separate w/o D?

I guess what I see is your W needs time to figure out her stuff still.

You have to decide what you want and how much time you will wait for that, knowing there is no guarantee that your W will come to working on her stuff.

I feel for you. I can see saying that you have had enough and need to move on and then move on, filing or not.

Maybe that would wake her up, but you would have to do it for you. Now she would be the LBS...

I don't see you remaining healthy as things are from your words and possibly getting worse for you as things stand.

I wish you well.

[ThisDayForward]

Thx . I'm going to continue to gal and work on myself . Trying new counselor next week to focus on my codependency issues and build strength to stick to my ultimatum if it comes to that

[25yearsmlc]

Pleaes do NOT give an ultimatum if you are not capable of enforcing it. That removes any scrap of power you have. SHE sure seems detached so let her be your role model...

And for now, you are as you say, "co dependent" and it's not healthy.

I would hate living the way you are.

Be strong. You can do this.