i usually play hockey in the winter. broke my shoulder tho, so i guess its pretty competitive..lol i can finally work out again and i am loving it! gets my frustration out in a healthy way. i find my center when i am physically testing myself. i havent enjoyed alot of things lately..im really into music and havent really been liking it lately. on sunday i was runnin my 3 miles and had my headphones in. this song by Atmosphere "tryin to find a balance" came on and it was wierd..i could feel the beat again.. like really feel it through my whole body if that makes sense. last mile and a half i flew...smiling.. mad my ab workout almost enjoyable..lol
i am also cynical and i dont like it. i am trying to be more open. i think its more of the group setting..idk..i have anxiety in groups when i have to talk. i used to be in bands and played sports in front of alot of people and that never bothered me. i think because they dont focus on me, they focus on what i am doing. i dont trust alot of people. i have always been on guard and figured the best defense was offense. i also was raised by the state corrections. from 13-20 off and on.. mostly on. that has some to do with it. more so is my embarrassment for who i have been in my life. there are some things i am not proud of.
you are right.. it is an internal decision. one that i am trying to make. it is harder than i would have thought..im a work in progress and today i am ok with that. i am ok with today.
I like some of Atmosphere's stuff. Been a while since I listened to him. I know what you mean though when a song hits you like that, its a great feeling.
things are going.. still constant bombardment from ex. im getting used to it. kind of sad. oh well. kids are doing good. they are with me over the long weekend coming up! really excited! we are adding one to our little family on saturday!! i am rescuing another pit bull. he is 8 months old and looks like he could be the pup of the one i already have. his name is Tank! =) the kids are really pumped. i included them 100% on this. they helped with the search, picked him out from the few there were, and they really like him. my son wants to pick out his collar and my daughter wants to pick out his leash.. lol!!!
I'm been getting the bombardment from stbx as well. It truly is sad what its come to and that I cant stand the current version of my w after loving her more than anything in the world for 20 years.
That is awesome about the pit. My s8 is obsessed w/ animal rescue, especially pitbulls. His favorite tv shows are pitbulls & parolees, pitboss, and animal cops. Not the average for an 8-yr old.
i am excited! this will be #2 in the house. XW took the other one when she left. it will be my 5th rescue pit in my life. i have a soft spot for these dogs. they are so loyal and loving yet have such a bad rep. i can relate alot. when i die i want to come back as a pitbull..lol
SIAS-
that is really cool that your S is into that! he must have a huge heart! i too love pitbulls and parolees. i think it is such a great idea to rehabilitate humans and dogs at the same time!
After reading your response on Ellie's thread, I thought I'd stop by for a quick visit.
You mention finding yourself cynical. You are still rather new in this process - less than a year, and there are so many emotional rollercoasters in that time period. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? It sounds like your time in the state system might also come into play here. While it's good that you can see that and make it something to mull or act on if it gets in the way, give yourself time to heal. Time does take care of some of this stuff. I know you doubt me, but it's been 10 years and most of this seems pretty blurry to me now.
For the record, I was raised on the other side of the law (my dad is a retired cop), but I also don't trust people easily either. While I don't force people to earn my trust, I sometimes go into relationships or situations expecting people to do things that are not trustworthy. The only thing I can do about that is to offer forgiveness if it's bothersome to others.
Good luck, and have a great weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
betsey-- thanks for stopping by.. i am in no hurry to relive what i have that is for sure. and yes its been a year only since my wife physically left. way shorter than some of you. thats why i stick around here. to learn from the more experienced members. wisdom is always been a huge help to me. i make rash decisions alot if left to my own devices.
the stuff about trust issues and cynicism is more stuff pointed out to me by my IC. i dont know if i believe it or disbelieve it. food for thought maybe? anyway.. i enjoy going on dates. i do want to be married. to the right woman. i have learned alot about my shortcomings and alot about my strengths through this process. i know what i require in a woman and i am not going to settle for less than i deserve. i also feel that i should continue to make myself better everyday so that i deserve the woman of my dreams.. i dont know if that makes any sense..lol
i am not a bad person. i have made alot of bad decisions in my life. 98% were addiction related. i am taking serious steps to overcome that obstacle and continue to live a happy, healthy and sober life. i have paid dearly for the decisions i have made and have learned something everytime. i look at them not so much as failures, but more of learning experiences.
the trust thing gets me. i trust everyone right out the gate for the most part. i dont tell them my secrets, but i dont expect them to do me wrong. however when they do me wrong, the trust is gone. for good. no hope of getting it back. the one exception to that was my XW. i think what it boils down to is more the fact that i dont trust myself? if i dont allow myself to get tangled up again with someone, i cant get hurt. which probably leads to more feelings of isolation and cynacism.
I probably don't need to tell you that a lot of issues are addiction related. (My own brother told me last night he's using again. Sigh.) Good for you for being in counseling to contemplate and consider. It's good to consider, particularly if you find thoughts or actions that are getting you stuck.
Quote:
i dont tell them my secrets, but i dont expect them to do me wrong. however when they do me wrong, the trust is gone. for good. no hope of getting it back.
Hmm. Interesting. Maybe there's a solution somewhere in the middle?
Quote:
i think what it boils down to is more the fact that i dont trust myself?
That is some amazing insight, and you just may have brought up an issue that we should all contemplate. I think you're on to something here...
Quote:
i also feel that i should continue to make myself better everyday so that i deserve the woman of my dreams.. i dont know if that makes any sense..lol
Yes, it does. And you should believe that. I'm a firm believer that we should be with people who make us want to be better humans just by being with them. In fact, it's my ultimate litmus test with all my friendships now. I have plenty of acquaintances, and am happy with that. But the inner circle can only consist of those people who challenge me to be a better and happier Betsey. I sincerely hope you find this journey worthwhile and successful.
Good luck! I don't know if being in SD has any bearing on the types of women you meet. Just go on the notion that when it's your time, it's bound to happen!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey