we own a business - pt 9 ... its about me!

[MrBond]

"I feel I already tried "allowing" him time alone..."

No you "expect" a positive response back when you do this. You have to just let him get through it on his own.

"I am trying to let go... for me. But yes, in a sense of weakness & humility. I give up. I am giving him to God to heal. And, me too."

Giving him to God is a good thing. Again, your problem is that you are expecting something for you in return.

"As for dumping the business... again, I am confused ... thought I needed to look out for me? Do things for me?"

Of course you have to do things for you. However, getting rid of your livelihood is pretty extreme. Plus if you want to save your M, do you really think that dumping a business on a guy who says he is overwhelmed is a good thing?

"Today his list of things he was overwhelmed with came out... so I listened and nodded and validated."

What you did wasn't validation. It was trying to fix his problem. You can empathize with him but not say that you will be there to help him fix things.

"He questions about how I fill my day, as he feels so overwhelmed and thinks I do very little, as a partner."

Did he literally say this word for word? No paraphrasing. I just want to know if he said those specific words to you just now.

"I am required to report at the end of day, and added in text " I know how overwhelmed things are. I hope selling today helped." and left it at that.... he has not replied."

See, why do you keep adding that "he has not responded back"? You are trying to see if you get a positive response for you.

"I changed the taillight in my car (180) by myself.... wanted to let him know,"

Why do you always feel the need to "let him know" about everything? You changed the light, good for you. That's all.

[makingmagic]

so.. h texted back to let me know that the sale helped, and that its quitting time as the mosquitoes were bugging him (working outside late).

Can't confuse this niceness as anything.

Then 20 mins later... asking for me to assist him at 9am tomorrow for work.

Guess I'd better help.

[MrBond]

"Can't confuse this niceness as anything."

He was being nice. Take it as such.

"Then 20 mins later... asking for me to assist him at 9am tomorrow for work.

Guess I'd better help."

Why? he just asked you. He didn't order you to help. Give the help if you WANT to. If you do go to help, don't do it and then complain about it after. You have to be fine with your decision.

[makingmagic]

journalling:

another good/productive "work" day.

earlier, I appeared a little dizzy/light headed so h asked why? i mentioned because I was weak. He wondered why I had been drinking all the boost drinks., he thought it was for losing weight. And commented that I had lost weight (he finally noticed??)...I said no, i was trying to gain weight. That I had lost so much due to stress. I was concerned if I was too skinny, he said no that I was looking good.

(I should have let him believe I was losing weight to look better...vanity... not stressed and unhealthy)

Caught him several times today checking out my chest area...hmmm, guess he has a pulse after all!

He also said hello to a woman at the coffee shop. Normally I would have asked who that was. 180. I was not jealous of her, so didn't ask.

[MrBond]

"He also said hello to a woman at the coffee shop. Normally I would have asked who that was. "

Were you jealous of women he talked to in the past?

[makingmagic]

nope.. not at all, he was "into me" and in our relationship. Although, he has always looked at other women... never hid that from me. Just now it bothers me more "outside" of a rel'p.

Journalling today:

emotional day & full day spent with h, very busy & h is very regimented. So as you can imagine, I do things that get in the way and p!ss him off as I make human mistakes and can't win for losing.

The subject came up again while driving, and after him shouting at me and telling me to "use my head" several times, I tried to reply calmly (but tears are in my eyes..holding them back). Long story short, he runs himself like a machine (he even said so), and has high expectations of how things should be run (yes, I know this, but human errors are not allowed), he apologized for some things, so did I. This could have turned into a R talk, but I held off. He spoke how wound tight he is, and life is not fun at this pace, but he feels its worth it for the money in the end, I guess. I said it was not worth it to me. I tried to validate where I could, but for the most part I STFU and listened. He talks of the future, needing a break by July (don't I?, I nodded), he talked of our business downsizing and how we work very well together as a team and how he should appreciate the sales more often. He is hoping that once the rush is over he can relax and not be so wound tightly. I asked him if its possible that he will still be like this after the dust settles (learned behaviour towards me), he said he hoped not. He speaks of us still in the future as partners.

I need to listen better. I told him that I write things down, and ask to be repeated because I am writing them down. He didn't know this, but was getting mad feeling that he was repeating himself. Also, cell phone static issues.

I need to understand his timing better. Not to ask him irrelevant stuff during peak times.

At one point, I made a reference that I should get going.. he kept talking. Mentioned how he looks forward only to the first beer at evening and first coffee of the day. He is sad going to bed in the dark.

We were interrupted, and then he asked if I wanted to go see the work that had been done on one of our "projects", I said no, that I had to go.

[makingmagic]

ohhh a few other things:

- h asked if I ever felt like running away? cuz he does. I didn't know how to answer.
- said he was going to enjoy his beer tonight and I should enjoy my wine (has no clue, I don't drink during the week anymore).
- is enjoying time with his dad (tries to have friday morning breaky with him). I think his time with his dad was bothering him, he wasn't taking time out for it before.
- how he was talking to a friend over the weekend and that his Sunday was spent somewhat like a "normal person's" long weekend was like.

[makingmagic]

and..

i told him how 80% of the time, I feel like I am in his way, and unappreciated, how he is always mad at me for something I have done wrong. How I wanted to quit. I am not the partner he needs. I am not the partner he wants. He then tried to say, he wasn't appreciated and I pointed out 2 things within the hour that showed my "partnering & appreciation" of him. One being, pointed out that my call/s to him while driving were to point out something was wrong with his vehicle, not that I was calling to chit chat (my call was important). 2, that I stood outside in cold weather, as he was during his side road repair... as I appreciate his ability to fix (I should not assume to sit in car). During this time, he looked out the window, seemed sad and frustrated. Maybe even at himself. I don't think he likes seeing this side of himself.

This is roughly when he said about running away. And how life is not fun, and how he looks forward to first beer, but the nights are all the same and long dark walk into bedroom.

I pointed out, that I can accept his regiment and fluff it off as "he is just like that cuz we are busy, h is getting organized for client, etc", but to offset it, it would be fair if he thought Hmmmm, wfm is like that because, she is stressed, busy, just trying to help... etc.

[MrBond]

It's okay to validate. HOWEVER, in the times that he is wrong or is yelling at you, then you need to look at him in the eye and tell him you do not deserve to be talked to in that way and then leave.

Again, it's HIS choice to work that hard. NOT yours.

[makingmagic]

I agree MrBond... I agree.

Any other comments/suggestions?

(small pat on the back for not bringing up R talk... this was a good time where I am sure he thought I would have... but, didn't)

Were my tears, and holding back tears bad?