My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

[AntoniaB]

Tad I'm sorry about your mother, and I agree with the posters above about focusing on her and your time with her now, not the XW.

I guess I want to add something to that--and maybe this is a weird comparison to make but it's all I've got.

When I was at a point where I was pretty detached from XH, my beloved cat suddenly got sick and died very tragically. It was the cat that was most like our "child" of all our pets ever. So I involved XH in the burying. It was hugely emotional of course.

But the situation put us in each other's vicinity, first in person and then on email, and I sensed myself drifting into this place where I was using the emotion of the situation to interact with XH and talk about "us" again. In fact, I'm not going to lie. When the poor cat died, I immediately had the thought that this death was going to shock my XH into seeing what he was doing and bring him back to the fold. Sometimes we hear about a death doing that to an MLCer.

But guess what? It didn't. And what ended up happening is that I got very intensely conflicted in my head between dealing with mourning the death of what was like my child and dealing with the turmoil of seeing and interacting with XH for what turned out to be the last time (it was a year and a half ago). I actually found myself after the cat died emailing XH over the cat. What I was really doing was trying to connect with him.

I think this is human. I think given the situation, XH was feeling awful for the cat dying and feeling sadness that I was facing it alone, and I mistook that for him starting to "feel remorse" for what he did. But that wasn't it at all. I know that because one minute XH was standing here saying to me that he still loved me, and the next minute, he was saying if he had it all to do over again, he'd still leave me for the OW. And I asked why, and he said "because he got what he wanted and because things seemed to be working out for me."

I have to be honest, when I read your post above, the first thing I noticed was that 90% of that post is again on her, on you trying to figure her out, on you trying to interpret her actions. And despite the fact that you were speaking to her about your mother, the conversation turned to talking "about us."

Did she take the conversation there, Tad, or did you?

How did the conversation go from being about your mom to your marriage and divorce and why she left?

I have to say that I'm worried for you, because I know exactly how a tragic situation involving the death of a loved one or the pending death can open up the door that you have been working to close so you can move on with your life, and I caution you not to open that door.

There is plenty of time down the road to deal with talks "about us" if she broaches that subject later. But for now your focus needs to be on your mother and your sons and so importantly, yourself.

I was in my vet's office today, a year and a half later from the day I took my little boy in and saw him for the last time, and I nearly lost it sitting in that waiting room, because I never mourned his death the way I should have. I was so focused at the time on XH and that whole can of worms that I didn't process things, and I deeply regret that. I feel like my mourning for him is stuck somewhere in me that I can't reach. And I know it's because I made very wrong assumptions then that that death would bring my XH out from the tunnel, and it didn't. And even if it had, that was still secondary.

So just try to stay focused on you and not her. You've been making progress. You don't want to let this pull you under.

My best to your mom and family.