My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

[tadpole1025]

Hello everyone. I was going to post this on my last thread, but I figured it would be best to start a new one with everything going on.

My previous thread can be found here:

Randomness From Inside My Head

The latest:

A few weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Yesterday, she had surgery and was informed that she probably has 6 month to a year to live.

XW has been calling and texting our boys wanting to find out information. I told them to tell her that if she wanted to know anything, she could call me. She never did. Instead, she told our boys that I was just playing control games. I can't seem to win.



Anyways, I ended up calling her today to give her an update. I talked to her for about 5 minutes and she told me that she was sorry about my mom. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was ok.

She mentioned three times to me that she wants to be my friend. How can she expect me to be her friend after what she did?

We did talk a little about "us" and when I asked her exactly what happened, she said that it "just wasn't working." I seem to get a different response everytime that question is asked. It was "working" up until she went on that dating site.

Anyways, it was a good conversation and I enjoyed talking to her, but she is still in deep in Replay I think.

I almost get the feeling that she feels a little remorse, but I could be wrong.

Anyways, when I called her, it sounded like she was sleeping. My boys said she always sounds like that.

She blamed my mother for cutting her out of her life. It is so funny how everyone else seems to be at fault except her.

Anyways, that is all that is going on with me. Just thought that I would give everyone an update. I feel like I need to vent right now, but I really don't have the time. Off to work.....

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I am very sorry to hear about your mother. Spend as much time as you can w/her. Take some photos of her so that you will have them to look back on the days, years to come.

You don't have to be your xw's friend, but you can choose to be civil. She still doesn't get it and most likely never will or it will be a long time from now. She may feel a little remorse, but she will never admit it and you shouldn't put your life on hold for her. Tad, she has moved on and no matter how hard you look, she's not moved very much in her crisis. She's still playing out in left field and life is moving on each and every day and your life and your sons' lives are moving further and further away from her.

Tad, focus on your mother now...it is very important that you do so. You don't want to have any regrets after she has left this world.

[kml]

So sorry about your mom.

You might want to look into the reports of cannabis oil treating cancer - there actually is some basic science behind it, and the mainstream treatments for pancreatic cancer are terrible and largely ineffective.

[MrBond]

"She mentioned three times to me that she wants to be my friend. How can she expect me to be her friend after what she did?"

This is entirely up to you.

[Papa4Life]

Hi Tad, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Keep hoping, but in the meantime, make every moment you have with her a memorable one.

Not to sound morbid, but they say that a D is something like losing a loved one, the only difference is that your X is still around, thus making it even harder to let go for once and for all.

I won't tell you to "just let it go" and try to forgove your XW. I mean, who am I to try to tell you what you should and shouldn't be feeling? I wouldn't even have the audacity to try and do that.

But what I could say, if you'll forgive a bit of meddling, is that you should try not to let these lingering feelings for her interfere with the time you've been blessed to still have with your mom. Don't let that be tainted by her crassness or disregard for your difficult situation. You've got more important things to be concerned about.

Then again, I'm just some anonymous schmuck on a website doling out advice based on nothing but gut instinct, so take it for what it's worth. But whatever happens, I'll be praying for you and your mom (and, yes, your XW too) tonight. Stay strong.

[AntoniaB]

Tad I'm sorry about your mother, and I agree with the posters above about focusing on her and your time with her now, not the XW.

I guess I want to add something to that--and maybe this is a weird comparison to make but it's all I've got.

When I was at a point where I was pretty detached from XH, my beloved cat suddenly got sick and died very tragically. It was the cat that was most like our "child" of all our pets ever. So I involved XH in the burying. It was hugely emotional of course.

But the situation put us in each other's vicinity, first in person and then on email, and I sensed myself drifting into this place where I was using the emotion of the situation to interact with XH and talk about "us" again. In fact, I'm not going to lie. When the poor cat died, I immediately had the thought that this death was going to shock my XH into seeing what he was doing and bring him back to the fold. Sometimes we hear about a death doing that to an MLCer.

But guess what? It didn't. And what ended up happening is that I got very intensely conflicted in my head between dealing with mourning the death of what was like my child and dealing with the turmoil of seeing and interacting with XH for what turned out to be the last time (it was a year and a half ago). I actually found myself after the cat died emailing XH over the cat. What I was really doing was trying to connect with him.

I think this is human. I think given the situation, XH was feeling awful for the cat dying and feeling sadness that I was facing it alone, and I mistook that for him starting to "feel remorse" for what he did. But that wasn't it at all. I know that because one minute XH was standing here saying to me that he still loved me, and the next minute, he was saying if he had it all to do over again, he'd still leave me for the OW. And I asked why, and he said "because he got what he wanted and because things seemed to be working out for me."

I have to be honest, when I read your post above, the first thing I noticed was that 90% of that post is again on her, on you trying to figure her out, on you trying to interpret her actions. And despite the fact that you were speaking to her about your mother, the conversation turned to talking "about us."

Did she take the conversation there, Tad, or did you?

How did the conversation go from being about your mom to your marriage and divorce and why she left?

I have to say that I'm worried for you, because I know exactly how a tragic situation involving the death of a loved one or the pending death can open up the door that you have been working to close so you can move on with your life, and I caution you not to open that door.

There is plenty of time down the road to deal with talks "about us" if she broaches that subject later. But for now your focus needs to be on your mother and your sons and so importantly, yourself.

I was in my vet's office today, a year and a half later from the day I took my little boy in and saw him for the last time, and I nearly lost it sitting in that waiting room, because I never mourned his death the way I should have. I was so focused at the time on XH and that whole can of worms that I didn't process things, and I deeply regret that. I feel like my mourning for him is stuck somewhere in me that I can't reach. And I know it's because I made very wrong assumptions then that that death would bring my XH out from the tunnel, and it didn't. And even if it had, that was still secondary.

So just try to stay focused on you and not her. You've been making progress. You don't want to let this pull you under.

My best to your mom and family.

[kml]

Cancer Res. 2006 Jul 1;66(13):6748-55.
Cannabinoids induce apoptosis of pancreatic tumor cells via endoplasmic reticulum stress-related genes.
Carracedo A, Gironella M, Lorente M, Garcia S, Guzmán M, Velasco G, Iovanna JL.
Source

Department of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology I, School of Biology, Complutense University, c/José Antonio Novais s/n, 28040 Madrid, Spain.
Abstract

Pancreatic adenocarcinomas are among the most malignant forms of cancer and, therefore, it is of especial interest to set new strategies aimed at improving the prognostic of this deadly disease. The present study was undertaken to investigate the action of cannabinoids, a new family of potential antitumoral agents, in pancreatic cancer. We show that cannabinoid receptors are expressed in human pancreatic tumor cell lines and tumor biopsies at much higher levels than in normal pancreatic tissue. Studies conducted with MiaPaCa2 and Panc1 cell lines showed that cannabinoid administration (a) induced apoptosis, (b) increased ceramide levels, and (c) up-regulated mRNA levels of the stress protein p8. These effects were prevented by blockade of the CB(2) cannabinoid receptor or by pharmacologic inhibition of ceramide synthesis de novo. Knockdown experiments using selective small interfering RNAs showed the involvement of p8 via its downstream endoplasmic reticulum stress-related targets activating transcription factor 4 (ATF-4) and TRB3 in Delta(9)-tetrahydrocannabinol-induced apoptosis. Cannabinoids also reduced the growth of tumor cells in two animal models of pancreatic cancer. In addition, cannabinoid treatment inhibited the spreading of pancreatic tumor cells. Moreover, cannabinoid administration selectively increased apoptosis and TRB3 expression in pancreatic tumor cells but not in normal tissue. In conclusion, results presented here show that cannabinoids lead to apoptosis of pancreatic tumor cells via a CB(2) receptor and de novo synthesized ceramide-dependent up-regulation of p8 and the endoplasmic reticulum stress-related genes ATF-4 and TRB3. These findings may contribute to set the basis for a new therapeutic approach for the treatment of pancreatic cancer.

PMID:
16818650
[PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

Free full text

[kml]

Translation - cannabis oil kills pancreatic cancer cells but not normal cells.

[AJM]

Hey Tad. Sorry to hear about your mom. Glad you came to vent. That's going to be more and more important. If you learn nothing else from your mom, learn how short life is and don't let it pass you by.

We did talk a little about "us" and when I asked her exactly what happened, she said that it "just wasn't working." I seem to get a different response everytime that question is asked. It was "working" up until she went on that dating site.

I have to say Tad, you are learning. You are learning that each time you ask you get a different response. I know that feeling Eventually, you have to just realize that people are people. They are human. They will do things in their own way and you can't change that. You can accept it though. And you can stop being the crazy one and asking questions like that. She won't be able to tell you, Tad. It is simply not possible for her.

As for friends, that may or may not work for you. I know for me, it doesn't work for me to be "friends" with her. It simply doesn't. No anger, no guilt, no...nothing. It doesn't work for me and that's just how it is. Might change at some point, but I gave up mind reading and asking silly questions years ago

Spend the time with your mom, Tad. Life truly is short and it would be great if there was a lot of quality time in it, right?

Peace,
AJ

[uRworthy]

A few weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Yesterday, she had surgery and was informed that she probably has 6 month to a year to live.

Tad, I am so very sorry.

XW has been calling and texting our boys wanting to find out information. I told them to tell her that if she wanted to know anything, she could call me. She never did. Instead, she told our boys that I was just playing control games. I can't seem to win.

I kind of wish you didnt put your sons in the middle like that, Tad.

She mentioned three times to me that she wants to be my friend. How can she expect me to be her friend after what she did?

We did talk a little about "us" and when I asked her exactly what happened, she said that it "just wasn't working." I seem to get a different response everytime that question is asked. It was "working" up until she went on that dating site.

I'm guessing the "different" responses were variations of the same thing. No matter, why do you keep asking? I would guess it's because you are hoping for a response that makes you feel better. Aint gonna happen, T.

Anyways, it was a good conversation and I enjoyed talking to her, but she is still in deep in Replay I think.

Who cares where she's at? You have waaayyy more important things to think about.

I almost get the feeling that she feels a little remorse, but I could be wrong.

What if she does, T? It doesnt change anything, really, right?Anyways, when I called her, it sounded like she was sleeping. My boys said she always sounds like that.

Still talking to your kids about her. Not a good idea. She is still their mother, Tad. Not your place to say anything at all about her to them.

She blamed my mother for cutting her out of her life. It is so funny how everyone else seems to be at fault except her.

Cant be her, Tad. Then what would that mean?

Tad, it is at times like this when you realize how short life is and how precious.
It really is time for you to let go of the past and start to live in the present.
Cherish the time with your mom. Make memories with her and your sons.

There might not ever be a reason good enough for you for why your wife left, T. Are you going to continue to wait for one? She was unhappy, in crisis and she left. There really neednt be any other reason. It doesnt matter why. It happened. And you can continue to go round and round trying to figure it out and her out, or you can get to living. Your choice, T. But, I'm thinking that it's time for you to figure it out. Time's a wastin.' Do you really want to be here a year from now asking the same things? Live your life, Tad or it will live you.