This guy is extremely intelligent and interesting. He's warm, open, fun, and thoroughly engaging in social situations. I could go on. I can see why his very demanding W picked him.
I got to see that new red shirt he bought a couple months ago. It's dazzling. And Luke is fierce! Look out!
This guy is extremely intelligent and interesting. He's warm, open, fun, and thoroughly engaging in social situations. I could go on. I can see why his very demanding W picked him.
Thanks for telling us. Maybe it helped to be around people who were receptive to him. I just wish he could feel open and fun with his own family. However, his W sounds like a real challenge!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, EE was wonderful, one of the best experiences of my life, and I highly recommend it. The best thing - beyond all the wonderful, real, people that I got to meet there - is a chunk of restored self esteem and the knowledge that I will survive, however things turn out. If my W and I cannot be good (I realized that I was very angry toward her) to each other, since 9 years (!), then continuing to be married does not make sense.
I understand that my W is angry toward me also - would that she would go to EE! - but really, a good deal of this is hers and not mine or even ours. Now to stand firm and push back when needed, with the support of my therapist and friends here and back in the US.
Hugs, SD, I embrace you. Keep me posted on the fishing in Philly.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Good, important, question - thank you - three things, facilitated with my therapist and folks back in PA: work on setting boundaries, work on friends and GAL, and work on being a good dad. Tell my wife that being married does not make sense if we cannot be good to each other.
If things improve, good, but I expect continued work and sharing from us both toward a better marriage. If things do not improve, so be it (and it is sad), but I have EE friends, men and women, who can help me go fishing, so to speak.
My therapist appointment at 10 tomorrow will probably make this more realistic - may have more to report after -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Okay - I just saw my therapist - we worked on setting boundaries, practicing reactions to intrusions. She demonstrated possible responses to intrusions from me (I played my wife, and she played me), ranging from mild "I did this just because I wanted to" to more assertive "how about I do things my way and you do them yours?", various flavors of pushback. I had had difficulties visualizing such responses, and so she showed me.
She also, as I am a gentle person at heart, suggested that I look into positive reinforcement of desired behaviors strategies also, such as those suggested in "don't shoot the dog", which I have now ordered, and also ignore/deflect/return the attack strategies.
Good and helpful stuff. The next appointment is unclear, as I travel again in a few weeks, again for a whole month - jeepers, life out of a suitcase.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hmm... good question. T did not recommend who goes first. And reaching out is also a matter of definition. I've been being more "in the same room" with her, telling stories about this recent trip (we had to abort takeoff in Newark, for example), texting her about dinner being on the stove, etc.
T stressed that I do what I want and react as I want, what is mine is mine, and what is hers is hers.
We will, just she and I, surely be alone together sometime in the next weeks. I think it makes sense to ask about the house facade renovation, and from there go into the spiel about if we can't be good, we shouldn't be together any longer. Yes, that is the assertive thing to do and it seems like a plan.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
