Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

You said a lot in this initial response, and I don't want to get off topic from the first question that we're exploring, but I'd like to briefly respond to a few items you addressed that aren't questions and likely don't need further exploration.

I am afraid of being replaced by a stepfather who will be responsible for the day to day fathering (leadership, discipline, security, interaction) of *my* children. .

And that very well MAY happen. You do have a choice though, and no matter what happens, you will always be their Father/Dad. No person can ever take that away from you.

I told my kids this when my Ex told them that she was dating ...

That nothing would ever take me away from them, and that he was a pretty good guy, and had a lot to offer them. That they NEVER had to feel as though they were protecting me from anything, and that would not be betraying me by being good to him. That they needed to treat him with courtesy, and respect, because they would never know what he could offer them unless they were open enough to find out.

I like the way you put that^. Thank you.

I am afraid she will move the kids away from me to exacerbate the previous point. My mother moved me and my sisters across the country when I was 7. I don't speak to my biological father anymore, I speak very highly of my stepfather, and even call him "Dad" and consider him a valuable role model..

Your wife isn't your Mother, and treating her that way will do more harm than good.

Oh, I don't treat her like my mother...not in any way. But my mind will at times shift into high gear and I know how things CAN go...just from my own experience. When the mind is racing the unlikely can seem so plausible. It's just a fear that I admit has crossed my mind. It doesn't grip me daily, but it's there.

Regardless, it's in the divorce decree that she can't move them away from me, though I'm told it isn't really enforceable. As in, if she moves to another state, a judge isn't going to force her to move from that other state back to be near me. I hope it never comes to that, of course.

She has her own abandonment issues, I suppose, but some good has come out of it. Her mother left when she was about W's age and went across the country. And stayed. Other than this life crisis and the reaction to the spouse (which is eerily similar), that's where their similarities end. I believe W's vow of commitment to have both parents around until all the children are raised.

I am afraid I am too determined and persistent to move on, and that perhaps God doesn't want me to move on or stop pursuing my W in whatever way I can, including DB'ing or refusing to give up...

I don't think that God gets too involved with affairs of the heart. I think that he puts us into positions that we need to be in though. I think that he gives us exactly the problems that we NEED , so that we can fix ourselves, and then gives us opportunities to either embrace, or discard according to the lessons that we have learned.

Instead of praying for your wife to do this or to do that, maybe pray for the strength to endure the test, and to embrace the lesson that he is teaching you ???

My prayers are almost exclusively unselfish - that is just my belief system. And what I include that is selfish I admit to Him that it is selfish. That it is just my human want, that His will be done, and that I be the man He intends me to be to carry out that will, no matter what.

I admit that I have and do pray for my wife and I to reconcile, but I admit that it is selfish (and it is such a tiny piece of my overall prayer). I pray that it is more important that she finds the peace and happiness and fulfillment she seeks - even if that is without me - and that she looks for those things in the right places.

And I pray for my kids a lot. To give them strength. And courage. And to know they are loved. And to help me lead them the right way, no matter how this turns out.

But I don't pray childishly and selfishly for God to change her heart so she loves me again. God isn't my magic genie from the lamp. And even if it worked that way, that isn't how I would want it to go down.

To your last sentence, the trick to figuring out what God's lesson is, is being able to tell the difference between a sign and a test. That's a tough one.

-PM