Trying to stay in it, keeps getting harder. #3

[in_it]

Ok, here's my letter…I wrote this without mentioning the twins since H does not yet know.

Where to start? I think it's time we talk/communicate.

Basically, I'm writing you to ask for help. H is lost right now. He does not know what he wants & is having a hard time making any decisions. While he & I get along great on most days, it is just the opposite on others & I'm wondering if you get the same? It is hard for him to open up. I'm hoping that maybe you can get him to talk about ALL of his feelings & open up. Not just talk with you about you & with me about me. He is leading a double life. I really don't think he knows how to end either side of it, or truly what he wants. I don't think that this double life he is living is healthy for him-or our family or even you for that matter.

He knows I am standing for our marriage & will continue to do so. He knows I have not wavered one time in all of this. I have not given him any ultimatums & continue to wait, we continue on with our daily lives doing all the same things we've always done as a married couple. He has told me how he admires my strength in doing so & sees it. I have become a better person from all of this & even though it may sound strange, I believe we have become closer the past months.

He will go hot & cold in a matter of minutes sometimes. One second he is texting me saying that things are looking good & he thinks he knows what he needs to do for us to work out & is taking those steps & the next thing you know he is telling me he will give up his parental rights to our baby, but not the girls.

He has told me that you have asked your daughter's father to do the same with his rights. This makes me wonder if this is where he is getting this idea? H loves his children more than anything…to think he would just give that up is so sad to me.

Since I became pregnant he has been more irrational than before. I'm getting blamed for a lot of stuff that simply isn't true. I have taken each comment he has made calmly & simply waited for him to cool down. He typically does within a few hours & we go back to normal for a few days & then he will have another round of telling me that he thinks I did this on purpose & it's all a ploy. He says he will have nothing to do with the baby & wants to give up his rights, or wants me to terminate the pregnancy.

Here lately when he does talk about leaving he talks about me trying to screw him over. He has even mentioned quitting his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support for any of our children. I can't believe he is saying these things. As a father, I would never expect these things from him. He is so passionate about family it sickens me to hear this.

He recently told me that he has been trying to create hatred toward the girls & I so it's easier for him to tune us out & it would make it easier to leave us. I think that even though he is trying to hate, the feelings are in the back of his mind & it's hard. When I mentioned this to him he just kind of sat there & eventually agreed. What he is doing is not healthy.

Also, since your promotion he has been hot & cold when taking about work. You being promoted has not set well with him. While he does think you deserve it, it has hit a nerve in him. When he talks about it I can see something in him. I don't know for sure what it is. In the beginning I think it was the fact you accepted the promotion even after your talks with boss #1 & boss #2 about your relationship. Now, that you are coming up on leaving the company I think his feelings are still there, but there's something else that I can't quite grasp.

Each night we go to bed & I wonder which H is going to wake up next to me the next morning? I don't like seeing him this way & know he is confused & drained. I guess I'm reaching out to you for some insight. He is my husband & the father of my daughters & soon to be baby. I hurt for him so much & wish he could deal with these emotions. It worries me. I think that the longer he is in limbo it will take even more of a toll on him.

Regardless of what happens, I need a father for my children. One that cares & is not bitter. One that loves them as much as they love him. I'm a firm believer that unless it is not safe a child needs both parents in their life. In the beginning of all this mess H & I talked about that if he did ever leave that we would work together & co-parent our girls. Now, since the pregnancy he has been going back & forth on this. I fear for my children & how they will be affected.

I guess what I'm getting at is this…no matter where he ends up, he needs to deal with a lot of stuff emotionally. I know that me contacting you will probably not help me one bit in our situation, but I still need a father for my children. A father who is not lost & can love them back as much as they love him. I feel like there is a ton of things that H needs to deal with right now & his double life is not allowing him to.

If you want to see screenshots of our conversations please let me know. I know that once you tell H that I've contacted you he will probably try to spin the things I've told you. In the end, you may want to see his remarks to me as proof.