Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

I don't know why I feel inherently invaluable. I don't know.

I know there has always been a void in my heart, and I've tried filling it with all kinds of different things - things that one would THINK would fill the void (and some things we all know don't) - but nothing ever "worked" until I began to work on myself and regenerating my faith post BD.

So the only thing missing.....was you...

Sound about right ????

Right.

I finally figured out I couldn't escape myself.

I did/do not like myself, so I try and surround myself with things and people that I DO like. Maybe they are prizes or toys or distractions...I'm not sure. None of that worked, so then it's on to figuring out how to escape...how to get out of my own head. But that doesn't work either because I simply cannot escape myself, and if suicide is not an option, then I had to work on being able to live myself.

That's what I figured out shortly after BD. That I had to stop trying to escape. It's funny because W went on several trips last year to "get away" and never came back feeling any better. I finally told her, "there's one constant in all the places you have been, both here and there." She admitted it was herself and I said, "you can't escape yourself. Believe me...I tried."

Perhaps I see her as both a possession and a definition of my own value. If I can possess a thing with such great value, then it must mean that *I* am good and successful and worthy and valuable.

So...

Maybe it is like a reward program for you ???

If you are a good provider, and fulfill your "Husband" obligation, then you get to play with your toys. And the quality of toys that you have, determine how well of a job you are doing ???

I think that a lot of Men think that way. Or at least until they learn another way. Most of the time, we have to learn it the "hard" way.

It is flawed thinking, and behavioral patterns, but where did we learn them ???

You say that you came from a broken home, correct ? How much of that taught you to cling tightly to inanimate objects ? How much taught you to hold onto people ??? And if you held on tight enough, then they would never get away from you ??

Maybe we don't speak of that happening, nor is it a thought that is at the forefront of our beings, yet we have thought that way in the past. And that thought became a vehicle for us, so that we could take it out for a spin. We liked it so much that we CHOSE to drive it more often.

Simply put, those thoughts have become our actions....

And our actions have become our behavioral patterns..

And our behavioral patterns are what builds our character. It is who the world sees in us when we "think" that we are better than that.

When actually, we carry around this fear of abandonment inside of us, that causes us to become angry, clingy, controlling, manipulative , materialistic , moody, lacking self esteem, trust etc....


How many of those things would describe you at various points in your marriage ???

All of them, of course.

And yes, my parents divorced when I was 2. I don't know how to quantify my desire to hold onto things, but I do lean more towards risk aversion. "One bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," the saying goes. Or three. Or ten. But I don't know if that's who I am or a product of my circumstances...the old psychological nature versus nurture question, but is the answer really valuable? 70/30 nature/nurture? 50/50? 20/80?

The answer is impossible to know, but I do know that my insecurities do lead me to cling onto my "things." BUT, I'm very selective with my things, which means I have put a lot of thought and time and effort into accumulating them, which naturally means I am more averse to losing them since I have so much more invested in them.

I'm very picky about the people I let into my life. W was the first girlfriend I had of more than a month or two. We were young anyway, but prior to that, if a girl started annoying me after a month, I knew it wasn't worth pursuing further so I always ended the relationship.

I thought I was a loner. I realized later on I am just really picky.

Where there is smoke, there is usually fire...

Ya know ?

So you think I may have issues with abandonment? That is a completely new thought/idea to me. I'll check out the book.

I would also like to recommend thinking a little about what it means to you to Love within a relationship, and the difference between love, and obligation within a relationship.

How are they different ?

Why would you want them to be different ???

What changes within your role, when you separate those two things ????

Has that ever been done by you ???

No, I haven't thought about that.

Do you mean "love" as a verb or a noun? The act or the feeling?

I'll echo what C.S. Lewis said about love and obligation:

“The promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise to never have a headache or always to feel hungry.”