Do what works for you and if it works, then continue, if not then readjust.
Remember though, your main goal needs to be to find RT and make him happy and healthy, saving your M as a result may or may not happen.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Yes, MWD does make those points clear for the condition at which you would start LRT.
The differentiator is, the LBS must be ready to leave the M. Because as MWD states in LRT, it MIGHT save the M, although for all intents and purposes, it will otherwise lead to D.
If you are (again) OK with proceeding to D, then move forward with LRT.
Otherwise...
try something else, right now... for a couple weeks... see if it works... if it doesn't... go LRT...
Yes. When I started LRT back in Feb. I was ready to leave the M. I was ready for a release from the pain. LRT and MWD teaching me to take care of myself and all of you helping me grow and me making myself stronger... now I feel that I can withstand "limbo" a little better and maybe a little longer. But I have a boundry. One that I have been clear on with my W. That is, I cannot be in a M with her while she is in an A with someone else.
I'm working through it in my head. Thanks for listening. Right now my instict is to pull back when she leaves. To give her some room but not ignore her if she reaches out. To not initiate contact but to be available. Different from before this "visit" but safe enough for me to not get hurt by petty expectations of "if" she responds to me or not.
My gut tells me round 2 of the A is about to kickstart. If I'm waving my hands "over here!" My W will not be able to continue processing the A and AP. My sister once told me..."she can't see where she is really headed if she's always turning around to fight with you".
Ok. I'm getting there. I am a person she would be a fool to leave.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Right now my instict is to pull back when she leaves. To give her some room but not ignore her if she reaches out. To not initiate contact but to be available. Different from before this "visit" but safe enough for me to not get hurt by petty expectations of "if" she responds to me or not.
This is where I am at also.
I HAVE to start on me, yet one of my 180 is to give W attention that I never did. This is a hard balance for me.
For me I am putting finding myself and fixing myself first.
My W will come second, but I will be kind, thoughtful, and listen to her.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
RT, IDK if I said this or if you read it on my threads, but my W leaving was something that was 100% positive and needed.
If she would have stayed, I know I would be D by now.
Separation does NOT have to mean D. For us it has allowed us the space that we both needed.
Look at it as a gift of time. She is not going straight to D.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Well.......Good "As If" morning! My W's plane was delayed and she didn't get in until 12:30am. So we didn't get to spend a "calm" evening together like I had hoped. When she finally rolled in from the cab, my childish, needy monster wanted to throw it's arms around her and say "sleep with me, cuddle with me... wah waah wahh". Not what happened.
I went out and got dinner for both of us. Left hers warm for her. I went up to the guest room where I knew she'd probably go to bed and straigtened and made the bed. I did some laundry, took care of my plants, watched tv and went to bed. When she came home... she came into our bedroom to wake and greet me. Hugged me kissed me. Told me her neck and shoulders were killing her from the plane. I offered to massage the kinks in her neck. She was grateful. I told her dinner was in the kitchen. She grabbed a plate and actually ate it on the bed with me watching late night. Then she said she was tired and going to bed. She leaned to hug and kiss me where I laid. I accepted the hug and said good night. She went to the guest room. It was hard knowing she's leaving today. I wanted more time. More affection. Just more. But I just went along with what she wanted/needed for now.
I got up for work this morning and went about my routine. I was very tired since she woke me but it's ok. She called out to me from upstairs to let one of the dogs out. I went up, kissed her on the forehead with a "good morning" and took the dog out. As I left she called out again and asked me if I was coming home for lunch. I said yes. Most likely she wants to make sure she sees me before leaving again.
"As If" is darn hard sometimes.
KD and JP, thanks for being there for me yesterday to stop me from spiraling. I think I did ok when she got home thanks to the 2 of you.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Enjoy your lunch and keep up that "as if" while there. You can do this. Your strength is amazing! Enjoy your Friday & get ready to GAL your butt off this weekend like you've planned.
Can't wait to hear how it goes.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
RT...perfect! H and I are separated, but I did go fairly dark for 3 months, especially after finding out about GF. He was still going out with her when we initiated texts and emails which continues to solidify our relationship, whatever the heck that may be in the future
I understand about the boundary. Dim, friendly if she contacts you, but continuing with your own life as well.
Hi RT, wow, it sounds like your W is really responding to your PMA and acting as if. If you hadn't mentioned how difficult it was for you, I would've complimented you on how positive you seem.
But that's the whole point of being consistent with your 180s. You have to fake it till you make it, as they say, and one day soon you'll realize that you're doing these things as second-nature.
I would be tempted to advise you to proceed with caution as far as 'winning brownie points' by straightening her room, keeping dinner warm, and massaging her shoulders. But it actually seems that your W responds well to your efforts. And since one of the core tenets of DB is 'do what works', I would say that you should keep it up, because she's responding!
I'm wondering, do you know your W's love language? (From Gary Chapman's book "The 5 love languages"?) sounds like she might respond most to "Acts of service".
Keep up the good work and keep acting as if.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Thanks for the support friends! Papa... the W is definitely "Acts! Big time. It's sad that in the beginning of our marriage I recognized that she would become physically affectionate when I was what she called "productive". Meaning getting things done. Projects and such around the house. I used to tease her about it. (Ugghhh.. I wish I knew then what I know now!) I would joke with her that watching me clean or cook etc... turned her on almost in a goofy way. She laughed along back then but now I know. I know that when I was pulling away from my wife and ignorantly not doing even the smallest "Acts" because I resented her being on the road... In her perception I was taking away my love for her.
When we are together now, as limited as that may be with the S, I feel I need to express love to her in that language again. I neglected it and her for about a year before her A began.
My only problem is... if she goes round 2 on the A. I have to keep my personal boundry of no marital relationship while she is in A. It's sometimes like walking a tightrope isn't it?!?!? Delicate balance.
SIDE NOTE: DB'ing has made me a better friend too. I had a friend tell me she was upset with me yesterday and felt I had not been totally honest with her on something. I don't know how it happened (lol!) but I just listened, validated, understood her point of view and apologized that my actions had hurt her. Made no excuses. Didn't try to control the conversation and make her see my point of view. After a few minutes she said "ok. I'm done." I responded "I here if you have anything else you need to say to me." All of this... even though I didn't really agree with her. But I could tell (from that crazy listening thing!) the whole thing meant more to her than to me so I just tried to be present for her. Totally behind us now. Awesome.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
