I don't know why I feel inherently invaluable. I don't know.
I know there has always been a void in my heart, and I've tried filling it with all kinds of different things - things that one would THINK would fill the void (and some things we all know don't) - but nothing ever "worked" until I began to work on myself and regenerating my faith post BD.
So the only thing missing.....was you...
Sound about right ????
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Perhaps I see her as both a possession and a definition of my own value. If I can possess a thing with such great value, then it must mean that *I* am good and successful and worthy and valuable.
So...
Maybe it is like a reward program for you ???
If you are a good provider, and fulfill your "Husband" obligation, then you get to play with your toys. And the quality of toys that you have, determine how well of a job you are doing ???
I think that a lot of Men think that way. Or at least until they learn another way. Most of the time, we have to learn it the "hard" way.
It is flawed thinking, and behavioral patterns, but where did we learn them ???
You say that you came from a broken home, correct ? How much of that taught you to cling tightly to inanimate objects ? How much taught you to hold onto people ??? And if you held on tight enough, then they would never get away from you ??
Maybe we don't speak of that happening, nor is it a thought that is at the forefront of our beings, yet we have thought that way in the past. And that thought became a vehicle for us, so that we could take it out for a spin. We liked it so much that we CHOSE to drive it more often.
Simply put, those thoughts have become our actions....
And our actions have become our behavioral patterns..
And our behavioral patterns are what builds our character. It is who the world sees in us when we "think" that we are better than that.
When actually, we carry around this fear of abandonment inside of us, that causes us to become angry, clingy, controlling, manipulative , materialistic , moody, lacking self esteem, trust etc....
How many of those things would describe you at various points in your marriage ???
I want to recommend a book to you....
the journey from abandonment to healing by susan anderson
Without delving deeper, I think that a lot of what you describe here, are patterns of repeated behavior, and maybe it would be worth it to take a look into it....
Where there is smoke, there is usually fire...
Ya know ?
I would also like to recommend thinking a little about what it means to you to Love within a relationship, and the difference between love, and obligation within a relationship.
How are they different ?
Why would you want them to be different ???
What changes within your role, when you separate those two things ????
