The unexpected journey continues

[AntoniaB]

Hi golf mom, I don't know if I posted to you before but I was reading above about your exhaustion and this part struck a chord with me:

"I'm tired of the single parent routine. This isn't what I wanted. My life doesn't seem to matter. I'm just here serving everyone else.

Why am I working so hard? My paycheck doesn't give me financial freedom. I'm still dependent on my H. I absolutely hate that.

I'm exhausted and feel completely hopeless. I just don't want this anymore."

I'm not a single mom unless you count all my cats. There were 11 when XH dropped the bomb and then I was financially responsible for them and 2 died and 2 had to be euthanized in the first 2 years after he left for OW. So that was pretty rough. Anyway I remember feeling overwhelmed financially, like my paycheck couldn't possibly cover things, and also emotionally exhausted. The whole "I didn't sign up for this" was something I couldn't get out of my head because I'd never have bought with XH this particular home which was almost impossible for one person to care for (the yard mainly) and which I felt powerless to leave because I'd already lost my bff and lover and husband--was I going to have to leave my home because of what he did? And just so many things about my life that were the way they were because of him came back to haunt me. Our total lack of friends for instance--suddenly I'm living in this town where I've been for over 20 years and have no one to hang out with or go to dinner with because I'd done everything with him. And no family here, the list goes on. I felt like all these things that were my life hinged on his being in it. And trying to keep my head above water was just an effort I couldn't take anymore. "This isn't what I wanted." Indeed!!

But I guess I wanted to tell you that although I felt like that every waking minute of the day, I don't anymore. My divorce was final in Jan. 2011 and I am not in contact with XH. I know I don't have it as bad as others because we didn't have kids. The only time it is tough concerning the cats is if they are sick or dying and it's at the point where even if I feel an impulse to contact him on that I know it's just detrimental to my emotional health so I don't.

But anyway eventually you won't feel so overwhelmed. You really won't. I think you slowly get a handle on your finances and your duties and it does become your life and you can handle it without feeling so drained. I think in many ways the stuff we all suddenly have to handle alone is overwhelming, not because in and of itself it's that hard, but because we have this inner child voice of resentment towards the ex or "life" for making us do this alone. Really you're having a whole lot of "it's not fair" moments. And it's NOT. But once you get out from the "this isn't how my life was supposed to turn out" mode, the things you are having to do alone seem less like a burden and they just "are".

In fact the more independent I've become, the more tuned in I am to how NOT independent a ton of my married female friends are. It's become a sign of empowerment to me now that I do handle being single really well when I know so many women who go from one bad relationship to another because they can't handle "my" life. I think this is one of the lessons I needed to learn from my Xh's mlc, quite honestly.

I remember being so broke it was crazy, and I've taken a lot of chances I wouldn't have otherwise taken as a result of the divorce, and I've found ways to supplement my income, so now 3 years later my income is up 25% from what it was and I can actually spend money on myself again. So what if I don't have my XH to give me flowers or jewelry or whatever? I buy it for myself now.

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like there was no one more down than I was a few years ago, no one more 100% convinced that my life was going to be awful forever as a result of XH's actions, and I was 100% wrong. YES it still hurts from time to time and yes I still sometimes cannot believe that it all happened, but there are things I've gained from this experience that I would never have had that are BETTER than my old life. Truly better.

I can honestly say that if I could go back in time, knowing what I have now even though I'm alone and he's with someone else, would I stop him from cheating on me and from his MLC, and despite all the pain he caused me and still does when I remember, I would not stop him from doing what he did.

So chin up, it will get better some day. I promise you if you work hard, it will get better.