Reb, Speaking as my experience as the one who had an A, I would say it took 2-3 years after before I was really ready to do the work I had to do in my M, or at least until that is what showed to my H.
I appreciate your input so much LTH. Thank you. I want to believe this, but my pride gets in the way and I feel foolish.
I'm not the woman I thought I was a year ago. I always said (and H knew very well) that an A would be it for any R with me. No second chances, it's over. Sometimes I even think H had an 'exit affair' because he didn't know any other way to work on problems.
Then I really studied my marriage and realized my culpability. I'd like to work on R now and try to make up for the recent years we were reacting to hurt. It's frustrating because I feel H won't give us a chance and my natural reaction and hurt bubbles to the surface and takes over my hard fought for knowledge and understanding.
Labug, you're a constant support and I'm so grateful! I appreciate the quote about judgment. I'd like to say to H something like 'it is completely your right to communicate with anyone you choose. but in order to move forward with building trust & r with me or daughters, ow would have to be out of the picture, even as friends. Not doing so continues to hurt dds and me.' Then it boils down to his decision - gonna continue to hurt us or gonna stop communication? Then the cynical side of me says, no he'll just hide it better.
Alright what am I doing for me? Obviously for those following, my dds have always dominated my life. BUT, the funny observation is that the things I do for me now are kinda vain and NOT what I would have spent time doing pre-BD. I actually would have been judgmental about the time-wasting activities I do now weekly/daily.
I used to enjoy reading a lot and was in a book club I didn't enjoy. Now I read self-help books and dumped the book club. I used to play piano almost daily. Now I get manicures and my nails are too long. And I love the nails with the wackiest colors. It makes me happy, but something I never would have done before. I used to work hard at keeping a clean house and structure and shopping for home. Now kids are always complaining there's no food in the house and I indulge in watching nonsense TV I never allowed myself to watch before (currently on Season 5 of Lost!). I go to the gym, I go for walks with a friend, I meet girls group every Tuesday for dinner, I do a lot more socially that I really enjoy. I go to bed by 10 every night (used to not go to bed until midnight and had to use the final hours of day to finish tasks). I've been volunteering at food shelter every other week. My hair is nearly blonde from all-my-life dark brown and I enjoy fashion and being basically proud of my appearance. In my old life, it was all about the kids only.
Maybe I'm having my own MLC because everything I do for myself is, as I said, vain & self centered. But I don't really care right now. I feel better about myself (externally) than I have for probably all of my adult life. It is an internal conflict, though, how I don't get as much done as I used to and this equates to lazy in my head. My natural drive is all centered on me when I used to get everything done for everyone else. And I've expressed earlier, this makes me feel guilty.
BUT, the funny observation is that the things I do for me now are kinda vain and NOT what I would have spent time doing pre-BD. I actually would have been judgmental about the time-wasting activities I do now weekly/daily.