Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

Good thought AJ! I used that last night.

Last night was draining.
Had to talk about his move again. I said what you said, but also told him that he already knew my feelings on his own place. He hasn't wanted to divorce and he says the reason is he likes how things are between us. He doesn't want to lose that. I know he was looking for reassurance it would be the same. I said you sound like our friend who divorced. She thought her and her exh would be friends and they're not. He said but they never had the relationship we did.

I told him that's not what I wanted, ever. He wanted to know what I wanted. I said a relationship where he has overcome his stuff and willing to work on it. I told him what I wanted for me and for the kids. He at one point wanted to know what that would look like. He started talking like together separate rooms. I said no. I don't want a relationship where we are together for the kids. He is not comfortable with that. He said at one point he is gotten to the point he is comfortable initiating a hug but he imagines kissing me would be uncomfortable for both.

I asked him then if he planned to just be single and he said no that he knows he is the type that needs to be with someone.

He said again about me not getting over things and I said, "what, that you've had an affair, multiple affairs?" And he said, "i know you think I've been with all these women, but it's not that many. And yes i think we could work through that, but it's more than that."

So that's clearly out in the open now, but he is saying there are things worse than a couple of affairs. I don't know what that could be. I can't think of anything worse than that which I don't know about, like abandoning the family.

He said that I've outgrown him, I don't want him, too good for him. All that stuff again. I said, I know I deserve better than who you are right now. I said women like me don't go for men like you, who you are right now. I haven't been here for who you are right now.

I asked him what he wanted. He wants me to yell at him, get mad at him, etc so it's easier to end it.

I talked to him about the change in him and all the 180s he did. I told him this was not normal marriage problems. A guy with marriage problems gets a divorce. He doesn't drop his kids, family, church, friends and start doing everything against his nature.

Talked about issue in the past. This time it was about me being controlling. I validated and apologized. Talked to him about changes in me and what I want in a future relationship with someone, not necessarily him. I don't want to be controlling and making all the decisions. He said he felt he forced that on me sometimes.

I told him our old relationship is dead. He talked about not knowing what a future relationship could be. He was neutral about it. It would be different but not good or bad. It was clear he doesn't want a marriage relationship with me. I believe he sees it as too much work and too much pain. And the feelings are not there.

He feels that he has to please everyone. That everyone expects so much from him. Everyone wants his time. Doesn't feel he is doing right by me himself or anyone. I told him there are only five people he should be concerned about doing right by.

Issue of his past came up. Says he can never talk to anyone about it or he will implode. Says it is his fault, something he did. I said then give it to God. Says he is not ready to talk to me. I don't think he ever will be. He says it's not what he does.

I told him to get it fixed. To realize he is worth it. To do whatever it takes.

...

Long talk but I think I hit all the highlights. I feel like he needs to talk to me. I should know what I am standing for or divorcing over.

I do feel like the feelings for me are gone. I have a hard time seeing them coming back. I feel it's time to move on.