I am afraid of deriving value from myself instead of my "catch." I realize that I have always validated my self worth by having W. I was insecure about myself, but if I got her, then I was SOMEBODY. I am not insecure about my abilities or career or anything like that, I just inherently have always felt "unworthy". And she made me feel "worthy.".
Originally Posted By: Mach1
And there is the rub eh ?
Placing YOUR value on another person...
There is a lot of control in that statement. Either from you seeing her as a possession, or you giving her that kind of power over you. Do you really want to view her as a possession ? Or better yet...her define your value ?
I would ask you, why do you feel that way ? Not that you do...just why ?
I don't know why I feel inherently invaluable. I don't know.
I know there has always been a void in my heart, and I've tried filling it with all kinds of different things - things that one would THINK would fill the void (and some things we all know don't) - but nothing ever "worked" until I began to work on myself and regenerating my faith post BD.
Perhaps I see her as both a possession and a definition of my own value. If I can possess a thing with such great value, then it must mean that *I* am good and successful and worthy and valuable.
Of course, when I lose that possession, I lose my sense of goodness and success and worthiness and value. I can step back from myself and see the inherent problem with this methodology of deriving self value, I'm just not sure how to rewire my circuits properly. I think the rewiring has already begun, it just isn't complete yet.
But as to "why"? Why is this my default setting? I don't know.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
