Continuing The Positive Changes

[MrBond]

Asking her where she was heading isn't a backslide. It's common courtesy.

Did she answer you?

[ThisDayForward]

Yes she did. She said errands. I just felt it was a bit smothering after a month ago she said she needed space.

After she said errands I said ok

I was disappointed in the escalation of baseball game. I owned my piece. Wasn't screaming but raised voice. Tbh I was stressed rushing around

I told her that and things were frantic and her snide remark was it wasn't frantic til you got home from work

[ThisDayForward]

Gabby yes!

[ThisDayForward]

Gabby your post is spot on. A month ago after we got back from family vacation she told me she felt smothered again. At the time she blamed a comment I made about concert tickets she had purchased for the reason why she felt smothered again. So I'm trying to give her space and trying to be careful with my actions and words to not come across smothering again to her. But the reality in a healthy marriage you're correct I should be able to ask. we are not in a healthy state again. So yeah I am trying to not poke a bee hive with a stick. I just beat myself up to much. (ACOA issues) and need to let go.

[MrBond]

One thing you're going to need to understand is that her saying she's being "smothered" by you is just you establishing boundaries. There are some things that you just shouldn't have to take or else you're going to be walking on eggshells the whole time.

AND since she refused to go to C, all of this is going according to how she wants to act. She's like a spoiled child right now that is having her way. Kids like that need to be spanked (in a metaphorical sense). Time to start laying down the law.

[ThisDayForward]

Not sure how to lay down the law. If I tell her that something is unacceptable I get this response text book

"nobody is asking you to stay here"

The only law I could see is ultimatum or make her start owning that she is unwilling to work on the M.

I mean it is obvious I need to detach from the behavior as much as possible. The fear I have is this snowballing into months. Which I know I have choices. I could leave the home. (I don't want to do this, I love my home and worked my azz off for it)

I could ask her to leave.

I know my only 2 choices are really detach or divorce. It is that simple. I get it.

I made a call into a counselor today that strictly focuses on ACOA. I'm hoping we can work something out.

B how do you suggest laying the law without oversimplying stating lay the law. My sitch is odd. I have conflict avoident W and I become conflict avoiding out of fear. We are both ACOA. We both go to the reactive brain when communicating. On top of things based on some EE support I am pretty sure she has a mood disorder that I don't ever see her addressing. She also knows my love languages and does not speak to them. Almost perfect storm of crap.

The whole thing is just craziness really. This is same W that was using s e x toys with me 1 1/2 months ago that she introduced and went to a tropical island with me. This whole thing is bat shi t crazy. As many describe roller coaster that I am not liking

[ThisDayForward]

Journaling.

When home last night after work. Played with kids. Put kids to bed. Told W going to bookstore. It was closed. I sat in parking lot listened to audio book on codependency. I came home. W yapping about d falling out of bed and if I placed her in bed wrong lol. I said no put her in middle of bed. (Laughable) I sat down in same room as her and read a book. Didn't say a peep and neither did she. Had lots of anxiety yesterday. ended up talking to her mother. Something I'm not proud of. New day today. Went to gym. Now at work.

Going to try to go to Alanon tonight and then open mic after the meeting.

Come to realize that I beat myself up to much on this stuff. My W has her own set of issues that I am DONE taking responsibility for. I had a very anxious day yesterday. Today it subsided. Realizing most of my anxiety is self inflicted stupidity.

[ThisDayForward]

Yes Gabby it sounds spot on.

[ThisDayForward]

I think I know my choices. They are just not easy. I mean I have a W who refuses to counsel with me. Refuses to talk about anything. When we do talk she blames me and escalates. I was physical separated for 6 months in which she asked for divorce every month same time of month. I moved back she went silent after 2 months for 6 months. She snaps out of it all of sudden in January. (always suspected EA) here. Now she is back to cold and silent once again. I've been talking to several folks today on and offline about my sitch. I almost feel I need to give her ultimatum and stick to it.

[MrBond]

It's about time you started fighting back and stopped being so passive when she accuses you of something.

I can tell you that if you put your foot down, look at her square in the eye and tell her that you will not be talked to like that any longer and pack up her stuff to show you mean business.