This is the first time since I've been on these boards that I've heard anyone get hit with "I'm not happy, so YOU should leave"! What kind of logic is that?!?
I would certainly suggest that you stay right where you are. Let your W make the effort to leave if that's what she wants.
Plus, I don't know what the laws are like where you are, but if you leave the home, it could legally be legally considered ass you 'abandoning' the M. And your kids. It might be wise to find out your rights.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Agree with all the above. You can say, " I am sorry you feel that way, but I understand." She can do the heavy lifting so to speak. Do not leave the house, in some cases it can be seen as abandonment ( don't know Aussie law). If she wants out then she gets to go. Not you.
GAL is super important in the early days. It stops you for obsessing about sitch, exercise allows endorphins to rise and it shows W that you do have your own life as well.
180s are just that. Turn arounds in behaviour. Your W will have complaints of things you did or didn't do and your job is to turn them around. So, if you never did house work and it was a complaint , start etc.
You will be having a lot of information and a lot of things in your stitch thrown at you quickly. Yes, what you and your W are facing is very difficult and it will get much harder. You need to know that it will and be prepared for it.
By being prepared, I mean do not be shocked by anything your W will say to you and by what she will do. She is facing a cross-road in her life and the more you try to "talk" her out of doing anything she doesn't want to do....or the more you try to "talk" her into staying in the M, the worse things will be. Words do not work! So many H's can't seem to get that fact settled in their brain. You will have a very strong desire to try to reason with her. You will want her to be logical. It doesn't work.
She watches your behavior. Like she said, she took her rings off b/c you were not taking her seriously (or so she thought). But from what you have said, you seemed rather shocked that she did not want to work on the M. So, that tells me that she felt you were not really getting the message she had been trying to tell you over the years.
Don't misunderstand, I certainly don't mean to imply that you are to blame for all the problems. I simply want to try to explain to LBH's the viewpoint of the WAW. I may not be able to tell you what will work in your stitch, but I can tell you a lot of what won't work.
Standing your ground does not mean fighting. It just means that you do not move out of the home and leave your children. You stand firm on your values, belief system, morals, etc. If she does not want to abide by the same, you really cannot force her. She can choose to leave, but she can't force you to leave if there have been no acts violence. Your job is to remain calm and cool and do not take her bait to get into a verbal fight. It will be very difficult, but it's most important that you do not react to her, for several reasons.
Your children (and even your W) will need you to be strong and show that you are the leader of your home and you will not conduct your actions out of emotions. It is inner strength that you need. When you try to operate out of your emotions, things will begin to crumble fast. This will actually teach your children how to deal when trouble hits a M. Be a good role model to them. Not by preaching, but just living it.
You will need to have a plan of action. Number one should be that you will not do anything. Not like most men think of a plan of "action". The action is mostly inside of you. That is where the work begins. Look into your heart deeply and see what your W has seen these years that she has been unhappy. What has changed about you since she first fell in love with you? What can you do to get that guy back again? Things change and people change, but some things you can get back. Think about it and start setting some goals for just you. Not her......"you".
How are you coming on Divorce Remedy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to sandi, P, she has some wonderful and invaluable advice to offer you!
Do your best to say and do *nothing*. Focus on yourself and try to find something to occupy yourself.
And keep posting. It'll help you get your head on straight and if it looks like your about to make a noob mistake or if you do something dumb like lose your temper we'll try to help you get back on track.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Well it seems to me that coming here and posting has turned out to be the right thing to do. After logging on here this morning and reading all of the replies to my last forlorn post, my heart gladdened; not only because of the content of your replies, but also for the time, thought and effort each of you have freely given. I hope that i can do honour to your precious gifts by *listening* and, if i am graced, learning.
I know i sound a bit over the top and perhaps over emotional?, but i really mean it people. These last few months have been the darkest times of my life, (and i won't fool myself into thinking there are not more dark times to come yet) and i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the support that you have offered.
Prometheus
Me: 49 W: 47 M: 19 T: 25 Son:19 Dau:13 Son:6 BD: Aug: 2012 Separated - same house: May, 2013 Ultimatum to move out: Dec 2013 W looking to move out: January 2014 Dau says go, I move out: June 2014
OK, first things first, I can't remember how readily available the book "Divorce Remedy" is, in Aus. You should be able to order it on Amazon. Definitely get a copy and read it, as it is really the basis of how we support each other on this forum, of course.
Whoops! I have been guilty of not listening already. I have started reading Divorce Busting (am up to page 120) but both Sandi and you are saying to read Divorce Remedy.
I am fighting (not very well) feelings of "time is running out" and now have the urge to drop DB and read DR instead. Am i being silly?
Me: 49 W: 47 M: 19 T: 25 Son:19 Dau:13 Son:6 BD: Aug: 2012 Separated - same house: May, 2013 Ultimatum to move out: Dec 2013 W looking to move out: January 2014 Dau says go, I move out: June 2014
Tell your W "yes you are right that they should be at home with the happy parent. When are you leaving?"
Thank you for posting MrBond. I tried a variation of this about six months ago. I couldn't pretend to be happy though. My wife said that i should move out and go and live somewhere else for a while. I told her that i did not want to but i did invite her to go if she really wanted to. I said that i would look after the children and she could go and do whatever it was that she had planned.
W was mortified at the suggestion that i took charge of the care of the kids. If i remember, she said something like..."and how would that work?" and "well we know where it is in the best interest for the children to stay, so no one is ever going to agree to that."
I responded by saying that of course the children will want and need to be with their mother. I, however, do not want to leave either. I would like to think that they need me for *something*?? We deserve to live in the same house together.
Me: 49 W: 47 M: 19 T: 25 Son:19 Dau:13 Son:6 BD: Aug: 2012 Separated - same house: May, 2013 Ultimatum to move out: Dec 2013 W looking to move out: January 2014 Dau says go, I move out: June 2014
Do nothing. Stay put. Stand your ground. If she wants to leave then that is totally on her, she needs to make that decision, find a place, set it up, deal with all the inconveniences, etc. etc.
Thank you for posting AnotherStander. I read all of your points and advice with interest. I feel a little less selfish reading how other people think i should not leave. I have been beating myself up over whether it is the right thing to do in regards to the children's welfare. In my heart i definitely don't think that i should leave.
I don't think that W will either. The reasons why i think that this is so, i will elaborate upon in a subsequent post.
Me: 49 W: 47 M: 19 T: 25 Son:19 Dau:13 Son:6 BD: Aug: 2012 Separated - same house: May, 2013 Ultimatum to move out: Dec 2013 W looking to move out: January 2014 Dau says go, I move out: June 2014
G'day P. Both books are worth reading but DR is the newer of the two and is probably more solution based. Finish DB and you will get the basics.
You will get great advice here, it is worth logging in as often as you can to share your feelings and read other posts. You will learn a lot and not feel as alone. I know reconciliation is not promised to anyone here, but I can tell you that without the things I learned here, I am pretty sure I would not have R'd with my H.
I am fighting (not very well) feelings of "time is running out" and now have the urge to drop DB and read DR instead. Am i being silly?
The one thing you have is time. I remember early on being very panicked that I had no time and needed to know what to do RIGHT NOW!!! I was convinced I was in an emergency that hinged on what I would do in the next few days. But it was months before my W moved out and here we are almost a year later and still not D'd. Just relax and take a deep breath, as we often say around here you're in a marathon, not a sprint
My wife said that i should move out and go and live somewhere else for a while. I told her that i did not want to but i did invite her to go if she really wanted to. I said that i would look after the children and she could go and do whatever it was that she had planned.