Keep on, keeping on!

[reb9597]

This has been a hard week and it took me a few days to process new understanding instead of reacting in anger.

labug, dds help out as much as they are able with their busy school/music schedules. AND we've even cut back on the schedule considerably this past year. They're older so it does provide more freedom for me, but I carry a lot of guilt because they are alone a lot. I know they don't mind that part, but I feel guilty leaving them on their own and to fend for themselves. Like when H told me on the phone he had to go make dinner - I haven't made dinner for girls in ages probably and that really really burned. Taps into my guilt and the fact that I am trying to manage everything with varying degrees of success, and H always enjoyed and did a better job cooking meals.

I am still stuck on the co-parenting issue. This is a little bit of broken record material.

My biggest issue with co-parenting is giving H all the credit and respect of the father he used to be, when he doesn't do any of the parenting he used to do. In my effort to work on friendship and offer trust, I've really involved him in some parenting decisions lately. Regarding d15 new bf, regarding college, and our whole last MC appt was dedicated to his 'trust recovery' with girls. But he hasn't earned any parenting respect or reciprocated in time or actions. Spent 2 hrs with girls in last 9 days, no trust talk, and during the 2 hrs he was with girls, d18 just told me that H was texting the supposed 'former' ow. So I'm putting a lot out and trying to have no expectations, but it also seems plainly clear that my girls and I am being lied to and led on, once again.

As azguy pointed out, I'm burned out and would like him to step up and offer more parenting time. The flip side to that coin is that in order to demand he helps out more, I am being the pushy b!tch I've been trying not to be. And I've been in such a mess emotionally this last couple weeks over this issue that I'm thinking it was much easier to not involve him again. I had a bit of power a couple months ago when he was out of the picture, and trying to bring him back in has just taken my self respect and hasn't brought any relief in parenting.

- The kids don't care either way because they're foundation is secure with me.
- H doesn't obviously care because he hasn't made any attempt to commit to at least co-parenting.
- Our MC appts are a joke because the sessions are spread every two weeks and it's just a tease where H can lie to my face and C about ending OW but then continue to text her in front of kids.
- I am only hurting myself by getting emotionally invested in H and being his advocate back into this family. I can want it for him, but if he doesn't want it enough to make it happen on his own, I'm the fool.

What does this mean for my DB attempts? I'm feeling cold and disinterested again. I can't put demands on who H communicates with because he hasn't committed to our R. But this middle ground is hurting me. H is active in reaching out for a week or so, then withdraws and we don't hear from him. I know it's a roller coaster but I'm not detached enough to stay on without losing my cookies. And the only thing that has brought H closer is me involving him more. If I quit that I expect we won't hear from him again like we barely heard from him for 5 months last fall.

Here we go again.

[reb9597]

Okay I'm feeling done. dd18 had her final symphony concert tonight and we had family dinner planned afterwards with MIL, she invited H and the couple he lives with. They are 40 min late to dinner because they had to stop for a pre-drink. Then H had 3 drinks at dinner and gave a stupid toast to d18 about 'courage under fire and learning to meaning of commitment'. Barf!

Done done done.

D15 had new boyfriend at dinner and got in the car afterwards and started crying because she was embarrassed. D18 just said 'wtf!'.

I'm glad for the new set of skills I learned while db but I have no respect for H that doesn't respect himself, his kids or me. And having to drink in order to suffer through a family dinner - my same old accusation from a year ago - is making me feel really done.

I loved hearing d18 play, I enjoyed dinner with dds and their bfs, even MIL, and I acted kind and loving to H and his friends. I'm a better me, but a me that is ready to be done. We have MC in 10 days, it will be a good time to figure out what is the next step because limbo is stupid and useless and reconciliation is not in our near future. But I need better co-parenting support and accountability. Feels sad I've had faith in him for the last year but he can't deliver.

[labug]

How are you this morning, sunshine?

You can be done anytime you want, but I don't think you're quite done.

I have questions (you knew I would) What was barfy about his toast? Was he acting drunk, slurring words? The part you quoted didn't sound so bad.

You mentioned his Mother is difficult, is this how he reacts to her, needing a drink? What are his problems with his mother? What do you think of his mother?

About his texting OW that you mentioned in previous post-did he tell D that's who he was texting?

I feel your pain. It does get better.

[lovethehub]

Reb,

I don't have too much advice but if your H is renting a room from someone and can't really have the DD's there, you have other options. Perhaps you can say to him, "I know you can't have the girls to your house but in order to rebuild your r with them, you need more time together. Are you interested in coming over 1 or 2 nights a week to make dinner for them. You can have the house with them and I will use the time to get some things done that I need to do?"

As for fb, there is an option to hide someone as opposed to defriending them. This way, you don't see what they are doing (unless they comment directly on your post) but they don't know you have hidden them.

It sounds like you are trying to take responsibility for every little thing and you can't do that. You can encourage your girls to reach out to their dad, and you can encourage your H to spend more time with them. That is all, you cannot fix this and the courts definitely will not fix it.

Be strong and don't make any rash decisions at your next MC appt. Remember, men do not communicate or show emotion the same way we do and we tend to let that cloud our thinking and feel that they aren't "doing enough" when for them, they are doing a lot.

[reb9597]

labug, why aren't I done? The only thing that's hitting the uncomfortable meter is that I have a little anger in my decision. I am clearly reacting to hurt and frustration and would like to clear away anger and bitterness in my heart. I was doing much better without trying to co-parent with H or involve H in any way our lives. These new attempts lead to expectations (hard not to expect something from co-parent!) and then obvious anger.

What was barfy about his toast? The fact that he has no credibility in his daughter's eyes or mine. Dds clearly don't respect him. I do not support this to dds, but I'm tired of making excuses for their dad and his behavior. I'm trying to be supportive in my rebuilding efforts but the lack of accountability is just building resentment.

H's mother is a piece of work but he just returned from a week long road trip with the woman. If he didn't come up with any better coping strategies than drinking, that's sad for him but I don't want it around my dds.

I think it's more likely a bad influence from his 'friends' that made it seem ok to stop for a drink before dinner. Either way, H is a big boy and doesn't understand the abandonment issues of his dds and how his behavior effects them. And when my kids hurt, forgetaboutit.

No, H did not announce 'text from ow!' to kids, I assume d18 noticed the called id on the phone display. Out of the blue last weekend, d18 "you know dad still has a girlfriend, don't you?" Me: "no, I don't know. He said it was done, I'm choosing to believe him". d18 "well he was texting her at dinner the other night". Me: "did you ask him about it or tell him it bothered you?" d18 "no I can't. He's just lying about it. I knew he was lying all along". Me: "It's your choice to believe him or not, I know it's difficult because there's been a lot of destroyed trust. But if it bothers you it is within your rights to ask him about it." Then I privately seethe... because I feel like I'm defending him again.

I do not want to be controlled by my feelings but between teens and H I'm feel like I'm getting bat around like a cat toy. I don't know how to be involved with H as co-parent while not letting it effect me . And it effects me negatively. I need a b!tch slap, 2x4, vacation, an escape... I know I'm not handling this well I'm stuck.

[labug]

You answered your own question:

labug, why aren't I done? The only thing that's hitting the uncomfortable meter is that I have a little anger in my decision. I am clearly reacting to hurt and frustration and would like to clear away anger and bitterness in my heart. I was doing much better without trying to co-parent with H or involve H in any way our lives. These new attempts lead to expectations (hard not to expect something from co-parent!) and then obvious anger.

You're angry, and making a decision while angry usually comes back to bite you. A door fully closed can sometimes not be reopened.

There's a lot of mind-reading going on in your post. I'm not sure why he lacks credibility. Maybe he does believe your D has exhibited courage under fire and commitment by what she's accomplished while all this drama is going on. I have a problem with being judgmental and when I really dig into it, I'm actually judging me because I'm seeing the other person through my distorted lens and applying my motivations to their actions.

If the drinking is a deal-breaker for you, then it is and I get that.

The texting stuff is again based on assumption. I understand once burned twice shy but it would be pretty ballsy to text OW in the company of a tech-savvy 18 yo. (small rant, why do people think it's OK to carry on a one-sided conversation with another person while at dinner with someone important to them?)

I think what you did with your D was help her work through something that was difficult for her. I didn't see it as defending him but rather being somewhat neutral. Private seething is OK as long as you know why you're seething.

Have you thought of asking H about what D told you? I can understand she doesn't want to but it's unfortunate for everyone to be upset about something that may not be true. Teaching your Ds how to confront problems in a constructive way would be a great skill for them to take into adulthood. Some of us don't learn that until waaaaay late in life. I'm a case in point.

This is hard stuff and you've come so far.

[reb9597]

labug, I asked d18 and she confirmed she saw the caller id display while H's phone was on table. I don't know if H answered while at table.

It does need to be addressed I'm just confused because I thought I couldn't make any demands on who he communicates with unless he commits to wanting to try in R! H has only committed to wanting to rebuild with dds and is 'not closed' with me.

Should I wait to address it in MC next week? I need help with the logistics of this problem. It's been a challenge for me not to react in anger and call him about it, but any accusations would come out as 'wtf are you doing? Jerking us around again? Girls will never trust you again while you're talking to ow!' That delivery will make him defensive and obviously not show the best me. So I've done nothing.

[reb9597]

It's not the drinking that's a deal breaker for me... the drinking is the obvious target but it's H choosing drinking, working, computer, anything - over me or our family. It's the rejection that hurts the most. H drinks too much and i wish he lived a more healthy lifestyle but he's never been a rip roaring drunk. His actions of excaping with alcohol make me feel rejected

Hmmm I feel like I just worked through something there. now what to do with this new understanding?

[reb9597]

Okay the brain is really working this am...

My feelings of being done are basic self protection. Because H may say he's 'not closed' but his actions are nothing different than the past year. He's going through the motions, but he did that throughout our marriage. This is probably part of 'believe nothing they say & only 50% of what they do'. Worse yet, when we are alone and having what seems to be a pleasant time, it feels like it did for the past 2-4 years of our marriage. Nice, pleasant, I used to think loving - but with dead eyes and obligation on his part instead of being engaged.

So from a db point of view, do I continue to fight the basic survival mode and continue believing in miracles & self improvement?

Or I can even look at ^^ and say to myself that I don't know what he is really feeling, I'm not giving him a chance, I'm being judgmental, I can only control myself, I need to be patient and just work on myself... all the things I've learned through this. But it's in direct contrast to my gut, which is telling me I tried but it's over.

And it's much better to express this not in anger.

[lovethehub]

Reb,

Speaking as my experience as the one who had an A, I would say it took 2-3 years after before I was really ready to do the work I had to do in my M, or at least until that is what showed to my H. I knew I didn't want a divorce and I wasn't stringing him along but, looking back, I honestly think it took me that long to get back in physically and emotionally. So I was working on it, it was just a very slow process for me to trust him again (not to leave, not to be the same person he was the 3-4 years prior to my A). That came through to him as a lack of caring on my part. For me, I think I was just in survival mode and doing my best to try. Every time I hurt him again, intentionally or not (usually not) I felt terrible but then the setback to the M would set me back again. I am not sure if I am explaining this clearly but sometimes, even though you don't see or feel it, the S is doing there best that they have at that moment. I used the OM as a fallback, I strung him along so he would still be there if my M didn't work out, but the M was what I wanted.

I know your H still having contact with OW, and telling you he isn't, is not ok but the fact that he is saying he is open to a R with you does mean something. Bear with him as long as you can.