MLC step by step...what's next?

[Lilith]

I'm kind of "I don't know what to do anymore "... I mean, I'm pretty good in GALing and detaching (at least that's what I thought or see in myself) but in terms of improvement with my M or relationship w/ husband I see no progress at all, in fact we become more strangers to each other. I feel hopeless! I don't know what I can do more (besides GALing and Detaching) to make or see some progress even just little (baby steps)... PATIENCE I know ...i can be more patient but but times like this is just horrible.
Pls help! Any suggestions?

[job]

Lil,
If your h is in mlc, it will take many months before there is any sign of improvement. Detaching is for you, not to get him to notice what you are or are not doing. You need to keep the focus on you and your life as you move forward. Are you doing things to keep yourself busy? Focusing on him and his every word or move is considered analyzing and believe me, it will drive you nuts.

Baby steps will come, but he's not there yet in the way that you think he should be. Replay takes a long time and right now, he's out in orbit. The process can't be rushed and he's definitely not on your timeclock. His clock is extremely slow.

Cointinue to detach, focus on you and your life and yes, please, please dig deeper for patience. This is a very long journey, not just for him, but for you as well.

[Lilith]

One more question....
I can see now that H is feeling more and comfortable with his "single" life and that he doesn't care what me and S21 are up to...he has extended (God knows for how many yrs.) his rental contract with his apartment...
Now I have been thinking to make changes in our home ( re-styling, new, new decors, new colors/paintings etc.) also these will make me more busy this summer... but just don't know if I should be the one to shoulder all the cost and expenses for all of these(?) is this a smart thing to do?
Any thoughts?

[job]

I would do some redecorating, but don't over extend your funds. He is living on his own, and I seriously would not expect him to shoulder all of the costs and expenses for the redecorating. If you watch the sales, you can find paint periodically on sale at a fairly reasonable price. You can switch up your furniture, i.e, move it around or place the pieces in a different room, etc. Do some treasure hunting at the local yard sales or thrift stores...I have found some amazing pieces and then I either repainted or recovered the items. Try to think outside the box.

Just my two cents...I wouldn't expect him to pay for any changes in your home unless it is a major repairs.

[Lilith]

Thanks Snodderly for dropping by! I appreciate it!
Yes I've been doing things to keep myself busy; I enrolled Salsa dance lesson, do photography (was my hobby), go to movies, dine with girlfriends, run regularly with S21 Twice or thrice a week... Actually I don't have much spare time... But there are times that loneliness strike and i get so disappointed!
And yes I guess I need to dig dig dig more PATIENCE!
Thanks for reminding me!

[gunny]

Hi Lilith,
You might want to find out if there is a divorce support group in your area, dont get thrown by the word divorce, I met a number of people who were not yet divorced, it was a great way for me to find friends who were going through some of the same things I was. Your normal circle of friends will be well meaning, but can not begin to understand what you are experiencing unless they have gone through similar things.

I also decided to take some classes at my local community college, which kind of took me out of my comfort zone, and forced me to interact with people(younger by far) whom I would normally not meet in the course of my daily routine. It has been a very positive growth experience.

You might want to start reading some posts on here written by people who have dealt with the mlc and come out on the otherside with an intact marriage, many of them are now in piecing mode, very interesting and hopeful stories. I wish you well,
Doug

[Lilith]

Thanks for stopping by gunny!
I appreciate your advices.

Yes, I joined a sort of "Women's support group" (not really specifically a divorce group though...'coz such group is not so popular here in my country (I'm from Europe)
I met new friends there whom I can vent to and it is great, indeed!
In Sept. I planned to enroll Italian Language which I already started but stopped last year.
I actually do lots of things for ME...I follow salsa dance lessons, I run 2/3 times a week, I have a hobby photography, and follow some workshops.(I don't have time to do my household chores anymore lol :-))

And yes...I come here to post and read as much as I can. It is very helpful, and I am learning. People inspires me with thier interesting stories and it keeps me motivated.

Thanks again, and I wish you all the best in your journey!

[makingmagic]

Hi Lilith... nice to hear how busy you are! Keep it up!

[Lilith]

Journaling:
When I woke up this morning I decided to be more upbeat than usual days (inspite of the weather...cold & heavy rain, terrible!!!) 'coz afterall it's my b-day today.
Before going to work I passed by a bakery to get some cake to treat everyone at work. When I reach work, H was already in (talking on the phone)and other employees; I just said "Good Morning everyone" and rushed to my office.
After an hour or so...H came in in my office, Kissed me (on my cheek)greeted, & handed me a B-day card. A funny card, just typical card that he would give. I didn't expect anything more other than this. He went inside his office and was surprised when H came back with a present and gave it to me. While I was opening it, my eyes were already in tears...I hated myself at that moment (why in the world can't I not stop being sentimental!) H was asking if I like it and I just nodded and said thank you! He was still trying to say something that I didn't pay attention anymore... I could not face 'coz I was avoiding & was ashamed that he sees me crying...He was also telling me about a friend who's father just passed away...and all I did was just to nod. The moment H saw that I was having a difficult time fighting for my tears, he said goodbye and went and got busy with his work. I know H or MLCer doesn't like seeing crying but I can't help it!

I really hated myself when I can't control my feelings in times like this. I am a very sensitive person but sometimes VERY and I hate it!

Can anyone help me/give me some tips on how to work on this?

[job]

Happy Birthday! I hope the rest of your day is very special and you do something nice for yourself.

I've always found that wearing a rubberband on my wrist and snapping it helps in an emotional time. Others have told me that thinking of something else, i.e., turning your focus to something else, helps as well.

It's okay that you were emotional, after all it is your special day and let's face it, you didn't expect a gift from your h today.

Continue moving forward.