Thanks for being in the cheerleading section RH. You too Rky!
Originally Posted By: TVS
You asked why your W likes you, but doesn't love you. How can she love anyone if she doesn't love herself? Plus, she does love you underneath it all, buried way deep in her heart.
Awww, thanks T. It's true W doesn't love herself right now. Never did actually, and was quiet and avoided most social interaction. But she is opening up to it now, and hopefully beginning to find her new self. We all know our spouses can learn to love themselves without bailing on us, but for some silly reason they have to figure this out on their own! We not only can't tell 'em, but if we do they will run away even faster!
Linda, yes W threatened D back at BD, and talked about it as a possibility a few times since. Last I heard about it was more than 6 months ago, when she said she was "deciding" if she was going to leave me or not. Now I consider my divorce busted. She's not likely to go anywhere, which is why I'm so frustrated. What is my girl doing! She doesn't even have a Russian Gigolo OM!
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As many of you know, I felt really close to giving W the Reality Talk last week. I was very frustrated with the lack of physical touch, the cool indifference, and the thought of everlasting limbo. I wanted to force a wake up call, and was tired enough that I didn't care much if it didn't work. But I really didn't want to blow it and makes things worse, so I kept my trap shut and waited to discuss it with my coach.
Here are the Cliff Notes of our discussion.
If ever I feel like I will blow up if I don't say anything, then don't hold it in. Say something constructive. Plan it out ahead of time and deliver it at the best time. Tell: My needs. Ask for: Hugs, hand holding, head/back scratching. More as time goes on. Explain that I don't know how long I can go on or what I will do if the near complete lack physical touch with my W continues.
Think about all of her possible responses. (best to worst) How will I respond?
Before giving the Reality Talk, I can start to initiate simple touch, and monitor the results. Go slowly. Thank her for positive reactions.
Take it slowly one step at a time. I'll know how to respond as things unfold.
Each sitch is different, so you may not want to try this at home kids. I'm actually a little cautious about it myself, even though I calculate a less than 5% chance of it making things worse.
It seemed like W sensed something was up, and changed her response to me. More open, more talkative, happier. Telling me more about her life, and facebook interactions. She's gone warm and cold before, so who knows.
Monday she sent me an email asking if I minded if her and GF went out Wednesday night, straight from work. I said no, that's fine with me. Then Tuesday, she tells me that GF cancelled, and she will be coming home normal time. Today she says GF called back and said lets go out someplace else instead, and W told her sorry, I already have plans for tonight. Her "plans" were only to go grocery shopping with me. She turned down drinks with GF for that? What the heck is going on here?!
When we got home she set up the Rainer Cherries she bought in a fancy bowl and took pictures to post on FB. Now she's counting the "likes" from her friends. You go girl! I've never been on FB.
We're still talking about taking an Anniversary trip at the end of June. Also odd for someone who's not in love, right? I wonder how it will go. Last year we did an overnighter at a B&B only because it was paid for and was a "use it or lose it" situation. It was a little uncomfortable and of course no hanky panky or butt spanky.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
