B, you didn't deserve this. I doubt your H has found the love of his life. He might be distracted, but until he takes the time (a long time) to sort himself out he will eventually realize that all of the same issues followed him.
Your H has a plan that he has to carry out. I've been right where you are. Even when my mom was hospitalized and was told that she was dying (she didn't, thank God) my H was emailing me and my attorney insisting that the D be finalized quickly. MLCers don't seem to care about anyone or anything except their own agenda. From what I've read, they believe that once the D is final and the dust has settled they will finally be happy. My H also believes the boys will be fine at that point and their relationship will resume. It's actually then that life settles down for them and they might start to realize that the grass isn't greener... I'm sure some of the vets can speak to this.
As time passes and you start accepting what's happened, this will get easier. Your new life will seem normal. It does take a while which I have to be reminded of.
Really, the best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself. Do whatever it takes to start feeling good about who you are. You will care less and less about being abandoned. Use this time to get your ducks in a row so you lessen your anxiety and fear. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve and know that it's normal.
For me, BD and the initiation of the D was the worst part. It's still sad, but is really more of a business deal now. Protect yourself financially and set whatever boundaries are necessary for self preservation. You will get though this.
I am so angry right now....my H took our boys to OW's house over the weekend and told them to lie to me. S9 couldn't take it so he told me just now. It is over. I tried to be nice and sweet. No more!!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know that I would be madder than an old wet hen if my "H" was doing this. How does he think his children can ever begin to heal if he's taking them over there? This man is so out of touch w/reality he doesn't even begin to see the damage that he and that ow are doing to his children. Give me that 2x4! I want to smack him over the head and knock some sense into him.
This is unacceptable behavior and now is a very good time to implement some boundaries about visitation, at least until you are divorced.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just had my first counseling session which couldn't come at a better time. I am going to talk toy boys tonight and advise them in an age appropriate way of what the truth is. They need to know. The damage is continual, and I feel it is time for them to hear my side. Clearly H is gone, and I can't allow him to further the lies any longer...besides he told my kids I knew OW, which again has played me as a bad parent. I tried the boundaries with the kids before explicitly saying this was a no no, and he did it anyway. I have no legal actions I can take. So the truth is all I have as a consequence. I will state the facts without character assassination. I have tried the high road and I think my kids were slowly figuring things on their own anyway. Sorry, but this is all I got right now.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Be honest, but like you said...no character assassination. I do think your boys are slowly figuring things out for themselves, but it will be good to sit down have a talk and see what questions, if any, that they might have.
I know you'll do this, but reassure them that it is not their fault that he walked out and that they are safe to talk to you about anything w/o fear of being punished.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You think you have no legal actions you can take, but I would check if I were you. When H told me his intentions of taking my kids by OW and that I pretty much could not do anything about it I spoke to a lawyer and ended up retaining him. I got a temporary order that says the kids cannot be around OW until the D is final. H was ticked (so was OW) but I didn't and still don't care. My kids' welfare comes first.
I'm serious. Get your boundaries in order. If he won't listen to you, he'll have to listen to a judge.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I am so sorry. Your H is not acting in your kids' best interest, but he doesn't seem to get that. Sadly, he couldn't enjoy his time with them without needing to see the OW. That's just pathetic. You'll need to talk to a lawyer, but since your H left the kids with you and he doesn't have a visitation/custody order I would assume the role of the custodial parent. Until ordered otherwise, you make all of the decisions regarding the best interests of the kids. If you don't trust your H to make good decisions than tell him he'll have to visit the kids at your house. Again, talk to an attorney. I wouldn't want you to do anything that could jeopardize your case. Document everything. It's sad that it has to come to this, but someone needs to protect your kids' hearts and minds.
Thank you everyone. The sit down went better than I thought it would go. Turns out H has introduced them to OW several times and this weekend she slept over his appt....when he had the boys and he openly gave her a key to his apartment in front of them. S9went to bed and S14 started processing to me how everything he has been seeing makes sense now. Also just happened to talk to my SIL and found out he screamed at her for inviting me and kids to her house for a birthday party which I never attended. I am going to see what legal advice I can get regarding kids and ow. This is all too much to process all at the same time. Clearly H has gone crazy and s14 thinks he might be doing drugs... Who knows. Gotta lot to accomplish tomorrow as well as keeping my head in the game at work. Til next time.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
