I saw Mach1 really digging into the "whys" of MrCAS and thought perhaps it wouldn't hurt to dig into myself and my insecurities. An anonymous message board full of caring people seems like a pretty safe place if any of you are kind enough to offer advice.

What am I afraid of?
  • I am afraid of letting someone else into my heart. I do not keep people close by nature, so this experience may make it that much more difficult for me to open up.
  • I am afraid I will not be able to find someone else who measures up to my W.
  • I am afraid of deriving value from myself instead of my "catch." I realize that I have always validated my self worth by having W. I was insecure about myself, but if I got her, then I was SOMEBODY. I am not insecure about my abilities or career or anything like that, I just inherently have always felt "unworthy". And she made me feel "worthy."
  • I am afraid of being replaced by a stepfather who will be responsible for the day to day fathering (leadership, discipline, security, interaction) of *my* children.
  • I am afraid she will move the kids away from me to exacerbate the previous point. My mother moved me and my sisters across the country when I was 7. I don't speak to my biological father anymore, I speak very highly of my stepfather, and even call him "Dad" and consider him a valuable role model.
  • I am afraid W will bear another man's child.
  • I am afraid of being alone.
  • I am afraid I will be unable to truly move on.
  • I am afraid I am too determined and persistent to move on, and that perhaps God doesn't want me to move on or stop pursuing my W in whatever way I can, including DB'ing or refusing to give up.
  • I am afraid W will never be able to forgive me or let me back in so that we have a shot at R.
  • I am afraid for how this D will affect my children.


None of this digs into my past or how I got to be who I am today, but I'm trying to open up. Maybe that'll help me move on...I don't know, but it's worth a shot.

Reading through those, a lot of them sound selfish. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I am too self-centered...still. But I don't think acknowledging my own fears and worries is a bad way to start mending that, if it is a problem for me.

I AM HUMAN, though, and admitting my fears, selfish or not...I think it's okay to be human sometimes.

-PM

M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.