We know you are in so much pain. People's pain if very personal. And you are correct, you do go through this in stages. I give you credit for being able to see where you are and admit that the anger is what's carrying you forward. I also give you credit for telling your W that the two of you cannot continue in this anger toward each other. It will eat up whatever love might still be there. You don't want that to happen. The ugliest I ever saw my H was when he reacted to my A (which he had every right)but I will ever forget how I thought that he was giving me the ticket out of there. But if your W sees you showing calmness, then it will tend to settle her more reacting to your temper. Rage can be very unattractive.
She is hurting, but I don't believe it's the same type of pain as you're experiencing. She is confused and feels pulled between what she "should" do and what her addiction is craving and telling her what she "wants". She's not real sure if she's been completely dumped by the OM. I think she is wanting to hold you in the wings, just in case OM stays with his family. Her conversation with you was sad, and I wanted to believe it showed some hope that she was coming around, but if the OM's family is going to be at this outing (and why is his family going???)then it will simply put her back to square one again. Every time she sees or hears from him, she will be back to the starting place. It's like a drug addict taking "just one more time". She has to go without any sight or contact with him. She doesn't even need to see his family.
After your conversation, I think it would be better if you did not profess everlasting love for her......until you see for sure that things have made a change (and then give it plenty of time). B/c a WAW needs to realize she's losing your love. She has to lose her M and family and the man who has loved her all these years, in order to question herself if OM is worth it. She needs to weigh it against what she's loosing. That's what I've tried to tell LBH's. And, you're right, it is a process! It is not something that she will get through in a few days. However, she could make a firm decision to end it with OM and take measures to make sure it died once and for all. She probably doesn't know how......but I doubt she's reached the point of wanting it to end. She's just hurting, and that's all.
I wish couples would S before jumping into a D. They go from the M home right into a D! A lot of couples get back together after a S. But then, I know why the WAW in an A is in such a hurry to shoot straight into a D.
I know you want to spare her pain. However, she "needs" to feel it and remember it. I didn't say she "wants" to, but she must feel this pain. You don't want this to happen again. There have been men on here who thought their W was over the OM and she was acting okay. But in many cases, she had not gone through the process b/c the H was trying to just pick up as though nothing had happened between them.....or "to" her. She has to heal after she gets through the A. You have to heal. That takes time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well the OM's son plays on the same team. We have to travel for the weekend to this tournament. Not sure if OM will actually go or if he will just send his family. But it will not be a great experience at all. Although I'm not going to stay home and miss seeing my sons games. I am hoping that the OM doesn't go and gives us peace, but either way the OM's W will be there. I think I mentioned she called my W the other day and told her in short to stay away or she would make her life miserable. Just a cluster f in general, and to handle it gracefully will be a miracle.
Any suggestions how to handle this?
Btw I found the section about the last resort after the LRT paragraph is. It's in the infidelity chapter. I guess thats where Im already at though. Im not initiating anymore, going about my business with kids, we have occasional talk about if the dog was fed etc. I do not call anymore or text. I see her in the morning before going to work - when I get home from work for dinner with the family - if Im lucky the kids have stuff where i can leave. At night she goes to the bedroom - I hang with the kids downstairs watching TV or doing homework - then I go to the bedroom ... usually after she's half asleep or soundly sleeping. That is my day. Today though she initiated the R stuff - I dont think going dark on that is the way to go, but I can back off on the emotional push button statements. Although it seemed like those got through to some level ... but it was wasn't from a mean or angry heart so maybe it was better accepted. I get that she may need to lose what she has before she will accept her actions right now. So maybe that needs to happen.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
Im just getting up to speed on your sitch...holy geez...your sons play soccer together?!?! Good lord! I'm so, so sorry.
Sadly, I have a friend who's H did the exact same thing. They have reconciled and her H can no longer attend the sons games. Sandie is right it's an addiction and her H is not allowed to be anywhere near where this mom is at. Her son knows all about it. Just sad.
I really don't have any suggestions. Honestly, if my OW showed up somewhere knowing I would be there...wow, balls. I wouldn't say or do anything. I haven't contacted her ever. I've never met her, but know many who know her and could make her life very, very miserable. Not my bag. But, I'm surprised your wife is attending the game. Sounds like OM's wife wants her to stay away. Am I reading that right? I need to read back further. It's a PA and are they trying to end it or not?
Mainly, there is nothing you can do. If OM's wife makes a scene, so be it. It is called consequences. You shouldn't stand in the way of your wife feeling them, and frankly, she should have to feel it. These are reprocussions of her actions.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
What do you think you would do if he is there and your W and OM keep looking at each other? What if you see her looking at her phone? You know you'll wonder if it's him. What if both of them are missing out of their seats...at the same time?
As much anger as you've had lately, you have to think about this before you just take off to a place where both your W and OM see each other.....especially the first time they see each other after his W made her threats. Of course, he may have told your W to just play it cool in order to get through it. I hope he has been scared straight by his W, but IDK. A's are a powerful addiction.
I believe you're in for a miserable time. I think she may want you to tag alone for her protection from OM's W, in case she gets her a$$ beat. If he shows up, (and I think he will), I bet his W will watch both of them a lot more than she'll watch the game. You would be wise to not even look out the corner of your eye.
With hope and a prayer, there will be no incidents, but I bet there will be four adults there who will find it a little difficult to focus completely on the game.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Tallula and Sandi - its an EA as ive been told. She is adamant about that but I can only trust that.
She has to be there this weekend as she coordinates. Im in no position to tell her to step down at this point.
Yes it will be miserable no doubt. Still have hope that he decides not to go. I have thought about this and as an adult who doesnt want to push my W any further - Ill be able to handle it but I really dont want what you mentioned above.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
She just doesnt get that this is going to be embarrassing not just for her but for all parties. And the kids will eventually figure it out they are 15 - you think they are not going to feel the pain and embarrassment also.
Just cant comprehend.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
I also mentioned that this OM will not be part of my kids life.
To your W??? Even if you have the power to follow through with this, shut up about it. Less talking and more doing.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Well the OM's son plays on the same team. We have to travel for the weekend to this tournament. Not sure if OM will actually go or if he will just send his family. But it will not be a great experience at all. Although I'm not going to stay home and miss seeing my sons games. I am hoping that the OM doesn't go and gives us peace, but either way the OM's W will be there. I think I mentioned she called my W the other day and told her in short to stay away or she would make her life miserable. Just a cluster f in general, and to handle it gracefully will be a miracle.
Any suggestions how to handle this?
You go and you stand tall and proud like the honorable and confident man you are. Anyone that has a problem can go take a long walk off a short pier, for all you care.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
What do you think you would do if he is there and your W and OM keep looking at each other? What if you see her looking at her phone? You know you'll wonder if it's him. What if both of them are missing out of their seats...at the same time?
sandi2 is absolutely right about the delicacy of the situation, but you must absolutely stand your ground as a man, a husband, and a parent. If any suspicious behavior begins occurring, you have two options:
1) ignore it, because it doesn't bother you and you can't control it. 2) stare him down relentlessly.
Neither option requires confrontation, but messages can most certainly be sent. I may not be the best man to model behavior after, but I would (and did) choose option 2 on several occasions. OM should feel intimidated and inadequate because of his moral failings and his disrespect to you and your family. HE should be inconvenienced and worried, not YOU.
DON'T BACK DOWN. But that's just my humble opinion.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thanks PM - good advice. There is one other couple my wife confided in about this on the team. I wish that persons husband was going as I could use the support. They are good people and are not on board about this but remaun friends.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
