Just a quick update as I REALLY have to finish getting some things done, planting can't wait forever!
So we did go to a movie, I had already replied to her before I read your replies...but I wasn't my usual enthusiastic self, just rather factual. So what is interesting is how she worded it:
"I'm done considering the movie... I want to give you an answer now rather than at the last minute... I'd like us to go see one... I think we both could use it... maybe take a walk too..."
This is unusual, W is a last-minute, indecisive person, even she says she is...so this is a change, and with more proper grammar and a "decisive" voice...
The cheap theater didn't have any movies I just "had" to see, so i told her that and that I am interested in any of them. She chose an interesting one, that surprised me, she typically isn't an epic fantasy kinda woman. She sat leaning towards me through most of it, I guess that's better than sitting as far away as possible...lol. This is the first time in years the two of us have been alone together, and out of the house.
Afterwards we took a walk, she knew of a nice spot by the river we went to and talked, with a beautiful high desert twilight descending. We eventually got around to the D issue, her lead, and I was very matter of fact about it all, not much emotions about it, which probably was a clue to her as she knows how I am once things are decided within me.
Some things she said I found interesting/telling: "We don't have to decide anything right now and in the summer".
I said that I need to move forward, certain life things like financials are dependent on if we try to reconcile, or D...if I do certain things right before a D, her lawyer could use that as malicious intent to make life harder for her...and things like that.
"You know how I have to "try everything on" to see how it feels..."
Maybe she figured out what I discovered, and yes, this is her MO in life. Trying to tell me that the apt hunting efforts were just testing for herself, trying it on?? Who knows...
"Would we have money for counseling?"
That is a first...no comment needed, lol.
There was more, but those were significant I think. I was clear that I was going to keep my appt with my L and determine what was best for me and our sons.
By the end though, she actually moved to sit next to me and let me rub her back and shoulders. She re-iterated that we don't have to decide anything right now. I said until the papers are signed by both of us, filed and have a court stamp on them, we are still married. She has choice until then.
I did re-iterate that I do not want her staying because of kids, life-style, etc...SHE had to think/believe that a renewed, rebuilt, or brand new R was possible, be open to it, and know that a bit of work was involved, but that it was possible, if not guaranteed...the cage door is un-wired, for both of us, from here on out. We both can leave the R at anytime.
So, that's how or 20th anniversary went...lol..but better than last year...this detached state is so helpful, my expectations were pretty much zero, so all good here.
Comments, analysis (lol!), always welcome....
Okay, gotta get some seeds in the ground!!
Thank you all again! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
