Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

Hello everyone -

I have been thinking...a lot ....but that is no different than any other time.

I spent the majority of my weekend GAL. I hung out with some girlfriends into the wee hour of the night on Friday, babysat my friends 2yr old on Saturday and had lunch with her afterward, went to a bay shower on Saturday as well, and lunch with different friend on Sunday. In between, I was ready books on healing and loving myself, and cleaning my house and running errands. Needless to say I am exhausted.

My head is back in the game at work, so much so, that I am caught up with the things on my desk and now I am just cleaning up my office.

So, I stayed away from the boards for a few days trying to get my mind right and what my next step is...and I need an opinion(s).

I am leaving some things out as replaying things right now wears me out. So if anyone has questions, please ask.

So I meet with the mediator, he gives me lots of information, legal information, and information provided to him from H. H has NOT filed the actual divorce. The mediator said typically that is not the case and when he asked him why not my H said it was too much paperwork. Mediator also said that H said quite a few times that W (me) doesn't want the divorce. I did confirm that with the mediator.

So, my question is, now that I have met with the mediator, should I approach H and say lets go, or should I wait for him to bring it up again?

I see an even amount of pros and cons, but curious what others would do in my sitch.

[job]

BRNR,
I'm going to turn the tables and ask you point blank...what do you want? If you want to remain status quo, then do nothing...but what are you going to do about your financial aspects?

You need to do something about money, i.e., child support, etc. That is the main key here for now...survival. Many on the board and in the real world didn't want divorces, but because of the financial situation, they had to go through w/the divorce. How did that pan out w/the MLCER and/or WAW? Well, some eventually got back together and others went on their merry way to a better life w/o their spouses in tow.

If you are not ready to move forward, then sit quietly and see if he raises the issue w/you...but remember...you need financial assistance from him.

If you aren't sure what to do...sit quietly and the answers will be revealed very soon.

[BRNR]

Snodderly, you are absolutely right. Financial aspects...good question. I probably should have mentioned.

H agreed that it is best to keep giving me money as agreed until "everything" was final. In fact, he gave me all money he owed me on Wednesday, which he told me he was going to do the day of the conversation but with us spending fours hours talking, the bank was closed by the time we were done. He also gave more money Thursday as well.

Funny thing is, my deadline was Thursday as I took off to go to the court house to file, and he did it the day before. (he did not know any of this, of course.)

So, at this time, I want to wait a little longer on pursuing any support orders as the attorney said not to unless H gives me ZERO. I am not saying I won't need to or I believe H, but I feel I will know when it is the right time, and it is not quite yet.

So does this change your view on anything? Right now I am leaning to the sit quietly until H ask me...

[job]

I can only tell you what I would do and that is to sit quietly for now. If he pulls another stunt w/the money, then I would move forward. You do not need to be going through this emotional stress every month just because he wants to pull your chain and control how you live.

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly for the 2x4 and your response on what you would do if you were me.

I am so unsure of what I want anymore, so I think the advice sit quietly for now is probably the best thing. I know-I am waivering again. Although I will say this time I don't feel that it has anything to do with what has or has not happened. More of me maybe accepting the reality????

I am having more and more days now where I want out of this marriage. Weird!!! Not sure why i feel like this. But, I know this is based on some type of emotion. I also think it is partly from the aspect of I know I deserve a good guy in my life...and H is far from that right now. I do miss him a lot, not sure if it is what I would call the "in love" feelings anymore.

I have been fearing this possibility...of falling out of love with him. Partly because I knew my decisions on what/how/when to move forward would/will lack any compassion for what H wants and needs.

But here I am, on the board none-the-less, still trying to save my marriage...I just don't know why at the moment.

I am starting to see/feel that I will be good with and without him, and no longer fear the outcome of my sitch.

Wish I knew God's plan at the moment and what is in store for my future, but no matter, living for today, and will leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

[BRNR]

So, a little bit of a down day today....

15 years ago I met the wonderful man of my life...wow how the time flew, if I only knew then, or even last year, that I would be here...ugh (sob!)

I know everyone will tell me don't, but I wish I could acknowledge to H that that was the most unexpected, greatest day of my life. Man I miss that man!!! Further, I wish that H possibly remembered this day too!!!

Sorry, having a little bit of a sad moment.

Yesterday I read a lot about the "affair fog". And how much of a spell or almost drug induced state a person having an affair is in. Explained a lot. Although, I don't see how any one person can break free from that high. Especially with little old boring me as another option. I know I don't see how my H will. Sad really, wish he could have that high with me...I would love to be in that state of ecstasy with my H.

So, I am not looking for advice today, although it is always accepted. I have no one to talk to about my feelings anymore, or at least anyone I feel like telling. It seems so ridiculous anymore. I wish there was a magic pill that would take all this hurt away today.

[job]

BRNR,
I'm sorry you are having a down day today. It's understandable because the day is so special. I'm going to wish you a "Happy Anniversary" because you need to know that people care.

Whether he acknowledges the date to you or not, he does remember it and all of the other special dates as well. Don't for one minute think that everything you shared has been erased from his memory bank because they haven't. They are all still in there and it takes a lot of work to keep them at bay.

As for the affair fog, it will eventually run out of fuel and that's why they say it takes a couple of years, in most cases, for it to run its course. Just remember, he had that high w/you when he met you and once things settled down, that high settled down as well. The same thing will happen w/the ow. It can't stay in the high gear for a long time because life and what life has to offer will wear it down.

Please do something special for yourself today. No matter what, it is a very special day to you even if he doesn't acknowledge it.

[BRNR]

Ugh!!! Of all days...

My H decides to send a text today asking if I saw the mediator. I responded and said "yes". His response "What happened?" I told him I would call him later. Of all days, why today? I was really trying to live in the spirit of the day that we first met today.

[job]

Be careful what you share w/him. If he's so concerned about you meeting w/the mediator, he should have contacted him directly. Just my two cents.

[BRNR]

Thanks for the advice Snodderly. Fortunately, my meeting with the mediator was only to ask questions about the mediation process and not really of anything substantial!!!

I did call him and he asked me if going to a mediator was something "I" wanted to do. I responded and just said that if it was something he felt he wanted to do than we could try it. His response was that he thinks it is the best option for everyone. WTF! is what I was thinking. He then asked about my scheduling and said he would schedule our first session. Ugh!!! I guess I am really doing this.

I am so heartbroken that things have come to this...I really don't want this and know that i have no other option but to accept that the love of my life wants nothing to do with me anymore and found the love of his life in OW. <sob> Why me? What did I do to deserve this?