We know you are in so much pain. People's pain if very personal. And you are correct, you do go through this in stages. I give you credit for being able to see where you are and admit that the anger is what's carrying you forward. I also give you credit for telling your W that the two of you cannot continue in this anger toward each other. It will eat up whatever love might still be there. You don't want that to happen. The ugliest I ever saw my H was when he reacted to my A (which he had every right)but I will ever forget how I thought that he was giving me the ticket out of there. But if your W sees you showing calmness, then it will tend to settle her more reacting to your temper. Rage can be very unattractive.
She is hurting, but I don't believe it's the same type of pain as you're experiencing. She is confused and feels pulled between what she "should" do and what her addiction is craving and telling her what she "wants". She's not real sure if she's been completely dumped by the OM. I think she is wanting to hold you in the wings, just in case OM stays with his family. Her conversation with you was sad, and I wanted to believe it showed some hope that she was coming around, but if the OM's family is going to be at this outing (and why is his family going???)then it will simply put her back to square one again. Every time she sees or hears from him, she will be back to the starting place. It's like a drug addict taking "just one more time". She has to go without any sight or contact with him. She doesn't even need to see his family.
After your conversation, I think it would be better if you did not profess everlasting love for her......until you see for sure that things have made a change (and then give it plenty of time). B/c a WAW needs to realize she's losing your love. She has to lose her M and family and the man who has loved her all these years, in order to question herself if OM is worth it. She needs to weigh it against what she's loosing. That's what I've tried to tell LBH's. And, you're right, it is a process! It is not something that she will get through in a few days. However, she could make a firm decision to end it with OM and take measures to make sure it died once and for all. She probably doesn't know how......but I doubt she's reached the point of wanting it to end. She's just hurting, and that's all.
I wish couples would S before jumping into a D. They go from the M home right into a D! A lot of couples get back together after a S. But then, I know why the WAW in an A is in such a hurry to shoot straight into a D.
I know you want to spare her pain. However, she "needs" to feel it and remember it. I didn't say she "wants" to, but she must feel this pain. You don't want this to happen again. There have been men on here who thought their W was over the OM and she was acting okay. But in many cases, she had not gone through the process b/c the H was trying to just pick up as though nothing had happened between them.....or "to" her. She has to heal after she gets through the A. You have to heal. That takes time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
