New to this ...

[steveh27]

Sandi - You seem to be a pretty special person, as sometimes you know when to be hard and when to take a delicate approach. You actually did both and I appreciate that - cause you guys know that I'm hurting as we are all sure what that hurt feels like - so thank you.

Your right - my anger is controlling me right now. I do not feel this M is fixable at this stage and the anger is allowing me to move forward somehow. I am in a better place though with this, even though I still have love for her. I need to be there as anywhere else would be counterproductive to my mental health. Look, it's not easy, it's pretty fricken hard to deal with the women you loved for 17 years - "fall out of love" and take her heart to someone else. I know I'm preaching to the choir for many of you. Yes my anger is still there, but I oddly still have compassion for what she's going through also. I can make the statement "you made your bed, now lie in it" to myself but in reality a part of me doesnt want to see her hurt. I see it as a process just like the MLC that I'm going through with desperation, denial, anger and acceptance part of it. I feel I'm bordering in between anger and acceptance right now and every day I do get closer to accepting it.

We didnt talk to one another really yesterday, my youngest had a ice cream party at school yesterday and we went as a family. The W asked where her rings were, and I said I have them. She asked for them back and I said I gave them to you once and you decided to give them back. I followed it quickly, as it was a bit immature to say, with ... I have them home, I will give them to you.

This morning I couldnt get out of the house fast enough and she caught me in a talk. We have to go away this weekend for my sons soccer tournament and we normally go as a family. So she asked what my plans are. I said I didnt know what I wanted to do, but I think if I go or you go or we both go with the family I would be open to it. She agreed and asked if "I" would be ok going as a family. I said I would but I haven't made up my mind.

Now, the obvious issue here is the OM family will be going, not sure if he will bother going, but doesn't matter to me. It matters to the W alot because she broke down as I haven't seen her do this at all really since. Yes some emotion and some crying before but this was a hurt that I havent seen. She finally really apologized for hurting me the way she has. Of course I couldnt hold back emotions either I said ...

M: I'm not sure if you really know how bad you hurt me.
W: I do I really do - Im sorry.
M: It's so hard to understand where you are right now. I really dont want to fight about this anymore. I've been angry lately because its the only way I know right now to protect myself.
W: I know - me too.
M: Im sorry but Ive been forced to think my "W's name" is gone - and the person here is not her anymore.
she starts crying again
W: I know ... I know
M: I know your worried about this weekend, a part of me hurts for you about this. I still have my feelings for you and this part of me wont go away anytime soon. And I can tell you obviously have feelings for me about this, but we have to stop this fighting between us.
W: I'm just hurting right now - I dont know how to handle this.
M: (Im emotional right now walking away) I know you are. I'm not looking to hurt you anymore - I love you. I have to go to work ... have a good day Ill see you later tonight.

As I try to compose myself driving to work - I think back on our conversation. It's really the first I've seen the old her show through. As strong willed as she is, she is a very compassionate person who loves to help people and has always kept the glue on our family. I can tell she is struggling with herself over this for once, or at least showing me that she is.

However I know this is done. She wont give up her feelings for OM right now, and that is a deal breaker obviously. But its talks like these that pull me back in - it didnt change how I feel about moving on - but it almost feels like a game of tug and war a bit. I have been doing my best on doing other things. I went shopping the other night for some clothes as I've lost weight through this. Had dinner with a friend last week. But thank goodness the kids have been going in opposite directions most nights so it keeps the separation.

Frustrated today in general but head up.