What's Going On?!? - Cautiously Contemplating

[Tallula]

HI RT!

Just getting versed in your sitch, but I'll lend a few things to the most recent post.

I have read Pia's facing co-dependence and it was great!!

Dealing with a spouse in an A is so hard. My H has said he wants me back (my sitch is involved and pretty nutty, soooo)but, one of the things that I know will be hard for me to overcome IF I choose to try to R, is the feeling that I'm not special and loved by my H. I am special and worthy of love, I know that today. But, will I ever be able to believe that HE thinks it.

Our self esteems have taken a really good hit. I've built mine up again. Probably more than it's ever been. I'm pretty fabulous, lol. Anyway, I know that there are many wonderful men in the world who will love me and treat me like I deserve. My H may never be that man. Do I know it for sure? Nope. So, baby steps. I'm watching his behavior, while I'm over here living my life.

The biggest thing that DB has taught me is to time. When we have info, don't react. I snooped...alot. My H doesn't know all of it, and I don't plan to tell him. He told me in a general way the things I snooped about, so there is no reason to tell him. I don't trust him. I see about a 5% chance of us working, today in this moment. Have I told him that? Nope. He knows I'm pretty done, but what would telling him that do? I feel no rush to answer him or "figure this out". Time will tell.

You need to be your own best friend right now. If you want to be intimate with your W, take it for what it is. A time to be close, and go about your day. If you can't help but get too attatched, maybe you shouldn't do it. But, the best thing is to really look within when you are having bouts of needy, clingy-ish thoughts. I started asking myself "How can I reassure myself right now?" Sat on my hands to text and I did something for myself.

This stuff is so hard, HUGS!

[StubbornDyke]

I love the Facing Codependence book because it really spells things out clearly in a way I can understand and delineates cause and effect for what seems chaotic to me.

Of the audios, I've listened to "Co-addicted Relationships", which I always refer to as a bracing kick in the arse. Once Pia points out what you're doing, well, you might still do it, but the blissful ignorance is gone. It's not the same.

I also listened to "Boundaries". Clear, basic, step by step. Invaluable.

I've listed to both of these over and over and over. I can hear Pia's voice whenever I'm about to do something stupid.

[RealityTrip]

I started asking myself "How can I reassure myself right now?"

Thanks Tallula. I keep thinking that I want to text or call so I keep coming back to the board to read. I just got out of my office for a little while to get some sunshine and walk around for a while.

I just got off the phone...made lunch plans with a friend for today..made some plans with friends for this Friday night and also this Sat. at the beach. I'm going to GAL overload! Some asked if my W could go with 9they know she's been here for a few weeks)... I'm not even going to ask her. She knows I want her to stay for the holiday weekend. We already discussed it. I also know her AP has asked her to spend the holiday with her. To "try again". I have a track record of losing the holiday battles to the AP so I am just going to ignore it and make my own plans. She knows exactly where I will be if she wants to spend time with me.

I remain calm. I breathe. (thanks SD)

[Tallula]

Aweome JOB!!!! GAL your butt off! My H is not much a planner. I use to wait to make them or "I made plans with so and so for us all to go." Or I'd cancel stuff to hang or feel guilty the whole time if I left him at home. (this was while married) Now I just do what I want and he sees that if he wants to hang out, he has to ask in advance or accept that I'm busy. No guilt...weeee!

Novel concept

[RealityTrip]

Thanks SD!!! Just placed my order for Facing Codependence. Thinking I will start there. I'm pretty visual.

Lol! Tallula! "Weeeeeeee!" makes me think of that insurance commercial with the little piggy holding a pinwheel gleefully "Weeeeeee'ing" I think when I'm feeling nuts I'm just going to have to put the "weeeee" in my mind.

[Tallula]

Hahahaha! Awesome.

Well, my D2 is like the happiest little thing you will ever meet. For real, it's a-ma-zing! My son is just like most kids, in the moment, hilarious, childlike wonder. But D2, man. Everyone says it. She is just pure joy, fun and love. About 4 months ago I just started watching her and I'll tell you what, she has taught me the true meaning of how to find the joy in life. She will randomly put her arms up in the air and yell "WEEEEEEE! Hee hee HA!" do a little dance, etc. Now I do it, in reality and in my head. I just smile. My dad recently told me that she reminds him so much of me when I was little. I'm getting back to my roots, and living with a joyfulness I haven't in years. We only have right now!

[in_it]

Way to keep your head in it, RT! Being able to identify your weaknesses & backsides is a powerful thing. I think you do this well.

I hope your evening with W returning goes well. Enjoy your GAL overload this weekend. I need to get better at that. I plan or or two things & usually only follow through with one. I think my girls being younger make it easier for me to not get out as much & stay with them. I'll get there.

Keep us posted on your evening.

[RealityTrip]

Need direction! Dragging the sad bag around today. I have been since I got back from vacation. I talked to myself out loud this morning about it. "Why am I feeling this way? It's ok. Just ride it out." "Sit with it." (thx NGrace)

I think it's a combination of just back to the grindstone, vacation ending blues and that I know my W is going back to her brother's and the S continues. My logical, self-loving, DB mind knew this was going to happen and can and would say all the right things to prepare for it. But my childish, needy monster was hoping that the W would have magic fairy dust of love sprinkled on her while she was home and she would be exorcised of the demon alien that possessed her.

So here's where I am stuck and "cautiously contemplating". What is my path when she leaves? As we were physically separated and she was in an active A... I came out of my DB gate in LRT. It worked. She noticed. She "ended" affair. (at least for now... I'm expecting a relapse) She came home for a "visit." Now... AP is calling to pull her back, she's going back to her brother's and the S continues, and while she was here were were pretty good and intimate.

So if I don't over think it and just go back to MWD... physical separation again puts me back in LRT again?

It seems the A and my W started to be illuminated with the light of reality when I was not focused on them and just focused on me. Do I go back to that? Back to LRT since she is "touch and go?" How will she percieve this? Will I look like I'm playing games? I'm not. It seems if she doesn't want to stay and work on M, then she needs space. Space I'm prepared to give her. But how do I go back to LRT without it seeming like an ice bath shock? Hot/cold? I went from Dark to Dim with her here. How to I transistion back? Am I even supposed to? (Brain smack says - YES! She's physically separating and speaking to AP again)

"Oh bother!" (Eeyore is my friend today!)

[~ kd ~]

Physical separation does not have to be a reason to LRT.

Again a reminder, LRT is when you've tried everything else and there is nothing left to do except accept, and move forward, as though D is inevitable.

[RealityTrip]

?????????????????

Physical separation does not have to be a reason to LRT.

Here's where I get confused. I opened my DR book and on pg124 MWD writes:

"It's imperative that you begin doing LRT immediately if:"
1 - Your spouse has said to you in no uncertain terms they want a D
2 - You and your spouse are physically separated
3 - You and your spouse live together but have very little to do with each other, etc...
4 - Your spouse has filed for divorce

So when I began DB'ing. We were already S and I implemented LRT> It worked. But not enough? She is still going back to physical separation. I know each couple is different but MWD's instruction here seems so clear with words like "imperative" and "immediately."

????????????????