When I read your posts I see some good DB'ing and a lot of bad DB'ing. Specifically, you seem to do pretty well at getting your W to open up and when she does you validate well. But you are going against DB'ing with all of the pressure you're applying on her.
Originally Posted By: BKS
She called me about two hours later and asked why I want her to go to MC. I told her that I wanted to see if there was any way that we might be able to work on our issues.
You should not push for MC. Your W is done, done, done with you. You need to see this from per POV, she doesn't want to lift a finger to save the M. You've got to sympathize with and validate her position and quit pushing YOUR agenda.
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She said that her feelings have changed for me and that she doesnt see them changing back to the way they were (ie loving and caring).
Typical WAS script, but she truly believes it. She can change her mind on this, but you cannot. You have to give her time and space so she can sort her thoughts.
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I told her that I understand that her feelings have changed and because peoples feelings change, that those feelings can change back. I related our crisis to chapter six (I believe) in DB. The one regarding Gina and Roberts crisis. It is almost identical to our situation.
SHE DOESN'T CARE. You cannot "help" her see this, you can't present logical arguments to her, they do not work. Her emotions are driving her actions. You're applying pressure, pressure that she doesn't want.
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I told her that our problems are normal marital problems and that there are solutions to fix the relationship but we both have to try.
She doesn't see them as "our" problems, YOU are the source of her problems. The answer is to get rid of YOU. So you have to show her you are not the source of her problems. You do this by 1) fixing every complaint she has about you and 2) giving her time and space away from you. Become the spouse only a fool would leave.
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She said our problems started about 8 months ago. I said to her that if you look at our 10 year relationship like a chapter book, each year being a chapter, nine chapters have been good chapters and we have had one partially bad chapter.
You are still engaging in all of the "wrong" things that people do early in their sitches. The WAS rewrites history. She doesn't see this as just a bad phase in the M, she sees the entire M as bad and you cannot convince her otherwise.
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But, I also said that the book has many more chapters to go and may have some very good chapters to come.
Read Sandi's DB tips. One of them is not to talk about the future. Print out those tips or save them somewhere and read them every single day, multiple times a day if needed.
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She then said, much to my surprise, that if she DID go, she may just sit there and not say anything. I was floored! She just said that she may consider going to MC with me!
You didn't hear what she said, she warned you where this would go. Just don't do it. MC doesn't work with a WAS. She will pick out the pieces that work in her favor and ignore anything geared towards saving the M. It's basically something for her to check off her list of "things I tried to save the M that ended up proving it's not worth saving".
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I understand that she may be going just to be able to say that "she tried and it didnt work" or "wasnt for her" but this is a positive developement.
You are correct, and I'm sorry to tell you this but it's not a positive development. I know you want to pin your hopes on this (I was there too almost a year ago), but it's false hope. You underestimate how "done" she is right now. I've read many, many sitches that involved MC and it NEVER helped. More often than not it accelerated the WAS's desire to leave.
