I accept that I can't control the outcome of my sitch. My H is adamant that he wants a D. I also know I will be fine on my own. But it's still not what I want for me or my kids. I'm hanging on to the dream of an intact family. I very much want a miracle, but not living my life waiting for one. I feel deserving of a good life and I know that I am good enough. M H has acknowledged that to some degree, so why would he choose to invest his time and energy into a new person instead of working on the relationship and family that he was so blessed to have? Really, what has he gained? He's never said. I've only heard the spew.
I have no contact with my H for my own sanity and preservation. I know I can't continue to listen to all the blame and validate. I do matter, not to him, but to me so I won't allow him to mistreat me with his words. He still seems angry, bitter and resentful, but he doesn't seem clear about the reasons. If he really thought I was the cause of the D then I don't understand why at times he has told me that I'm wonderful and didn't deserve any of this. What does he want back from me when he says this? Is he testing, feeling guilty, having clarity?
The D will likely be final this summer, but I'm not feeling done. I'm ready for the draining legal process to be over though. Why don't I hate him for putting me and the boys through this? That would seem like a more natural emotional response to the pain. I just don't feel that. I can't say I feel compassion, but something's there and it's confusing.
