Insights from WAS vs. MLC

[Live4myDay]

I have been on such a rollercoaster lately. One side (and everyone I know) says "Move on hes a jerk to do what he did to you and your kids!" and then the other side is saying "He doesn't know what he's doing...we truly love each other this is just a phase."

But in reading and reading and reading it has helped me become more focused on what "I" need to do. I focus too much on him and his life and OW. They are off in Europe right now on a 10 day vacation...I know. But he hasn't even seen his daughter all of last year a total of 6 days!! I care for her pretty much 24/7 although she is becoming more independent. (see full story)

I started weight watchers and ultimately want to lose 40 lbs by next year. I started walking with the goal to run the full 2 mile course at the park by my house. And then I want to work on something else more spiritually or more inward. I want to learn Spanish since I now live in Florida and I also thought about going back to college to get my Bachelor's Degree. All of these things are 80's for me.

I was thinking that next year is my 30 year class reunion and I have never gone in the past. I was voted best looking and I never had enough confidence in myself to go back. I had married young had kids and gained weight. At this point I feel I struggled with depression. Anyway, I want to go next year looking and feeling my best ever! That is ALL about ME! Just thinking about it gets me excited and to think I'll be going single!

I've decided to go "Dark". Just disappear from him. When he visits I will not be around and too busy with plans to accommodate him and he will have to care for our D 24/7 while he is here. He can see exactly what I have to go through on a day to day basis. NO MORE CONTACT!! no text no emails... nothing!!

This could be such a long process but I'm not interested in starting another relationship especially with my time dedicated to my D. So, I'm just gonna sit back and watch it all play out...BUT in the mean time I am preparing myself for the day my D walk again and can go for a run with me. (prayers) I also want to be that fabulous again! Like in the movie "Hope Floats...I used to be so audacious!"

I get it...he's with her enjoying his so called new life etc... but I have so much and so much to be grateful for. He will never come back to what was...ever. I have to make my changes to become the best me again. Then "I" can decide who "I" choose to love. If he's still with her...so be it. But if someone does come along when I am to that "audacious" point... I probably won't look back.

It's like I was always looking for justification that he did me wrong. Look how horrible of a man he is. SCREW HIM! I want to now prove that I am stronger and more of a woman than he ever was a man. I have "owned up" and like in the movie the Terminator when Linda Hamilton is in pscho ward she is preparing herself because she knows the day is coming. I'm feeling so confident now.

I just have to carry this through his visit the first weekend in JUne. I know I will not be around...but he will have returned from his European trip with OW full of stories and PICTURES of him with her (unavoidable) to share with my D and S who is coming down for the trip also. It's like a want to know every detail. Please tell me tell me... but I know I have to suck it up and tell the kids "DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING. I Do NOT want to know about your dad!!!" detachment! ah ha I get it!

But with this trip of his with OW I feel that he will be with her a long time. Hurts. and he may never come back around or think of me again in a good way. He has soooo much pain and justifications against me even to the point of blaming me for our D accident. I don't think he will ever be able to find love for me again. I know it's there...he just pushed it down so far and this OW is such a large bandaide.

She doesn't have kids...therefore he doesn't miss that family closeness he would see if she had kids. Its all so fresh and new. and they live 1000 miles apart. I think she will want to be more and they will marry.

Anyway, quit focusing on HIM. I will be that "audacious" woman again! Than only a fool would leave!!!