there is always the thought of he could come back and be the husband/father we deserve and I could forgive him.
Oddly, I have already forgiven my H. While he is responsible for how this has gone down (he is the one that quit MC after one session and said he'd 'done everything he could' to his mother), I don't hold it against him. I strangely feel very cold and unfeeling to the whole thing. Even the divorce feels like a medical procedure at this point-I talk about it like I would talk about going to the dentist. No emotion, nada. So very strange. I'm lucky that he takes his time with the kids willingly and also takes them when I can't, so I am very thankful for that. He's just cut himself off from me completely. We aren't friends. We are pretty much acquaintances that have kids, which is really effed up, considering we've been married for 12 years. There's a part of me that wants what AJ (?) mentioned-I want him to come crawling back, to regret what he's done, but that's just my ego talking. I can't ever see myself being with him again. He's an addict, plain and simple. Unless he comes to terms with that, things will never change.
So ready for a fresh start. I kind of feel like the phoenix rising from the ashes-a new creature from the old. It's amazing how many things I did because of him. I hardly drink at all anymore unless I'm with friends-he would have a glass of wine waiting for me every evening when I got home with the kids. It's not something I need and I've discovered that I feel better without it.
I have kind of been seeing someone for the last few months. He and his wife are getting divorced-I guess misery loves company. He lives in another state, which is tough but somehow better than him being here right now. The space is nice but I confess I hate sleeping alone every night. I think the distance is keeping me from getting too caught up with the physical parts and is making me focus on the emotional connection I have with him instead.
Sorry you have to go back to work soon. I loved my maternity leave with my daughter-it was tough going back to work. I loved all that extra time at home with my son and just being able to hang out with him. Hope you are able to savor every moment that you're home with them.
