Trying to stay in it, keeps getting harder. #3

[Papa4Life]

Hi In_it! Hope everything goes well with the dr appointment. I hope you have been taking good care of yourself. That's what's most important for you and those wonderful little 'pollywogs'!

I just wonder, why keep all this uncertainty and fears inside? IMHO you should let your H know about it. Get it out there, if that's what you feel you must do. I bet you'll feel better, regardless of what H says or does. This is the situation, how H decides to respond is HIS problem. You've got enough to worry about already without having to concern yourself with how he's feeling.

Good luck and let us know how it goes with the dr.

[labug]

You're afraid and that's understandable. If you tell him and he starts ranting, end the conversation. Tell him you will talk when he can speak to you in a more respectful way. Don't engage. Set your boundary. "When you speak to me in that tone of voice I feel unsafe. We can talk when you can speak to me in a respectful way." Then stick to it. The other person usually won't believe your boundary the first time and will continue to try and break it. Be strong.

I'll be thinking of you today.

[Tallula]

There are many things I want to comment on. Here they are.

1. Of course you still love him!! I still love my serial cheater of a husband. I just love me more than to put up with being treated poorly. Also, I realized that the person I was dealing with, was NOT the H I loved. So that made it a bit easier to set some boundaries and today, my H (while not living here) treats me wonderfully. Speaks with respect. Really wants to make it up to me. So, don't beat yourself up!! But loving him doesn't mean you have to put up with abusive behavior.

2. When he says degrating things you have every right to say "I will not be spoken to this way, I will continue this converstaion when you can speak to me appropriatly" My H started with verbal abuse after Dday. Not in our 13 years together did he curse at me, much less call me horrendous & degrating names...but there I was being screamed at an inch from my face, being name called. I calmly would tell him the above. It didn't take but a few times for him to stop, and apologize. Since then he has told me that he had to focus all his anger on me, because it was too painful to admitt he was just a sick jerk who cheats on his wife. Now when he say this "pregnancy plan" BS, I would say "I will not accept that. It was not a plan." Period. The end. I started saying that to my H when he would try to compare my 3 months of pulling away a year ago, to his cheating. Like a "But you!!!" Um, no. I don't accept that.

3. Telling your family. It was so hard to let people know what was going on. Do I regret it? Some days, but I needed the support. I'm pregnant. You are pregnant. We need love and support and at the moment, your H is not giving that. He is threatening you with total abandonment. You don't have to go into all the specifics. My parent's simply know my H is cheating with a woman. Not multiple. Even though I don't believe I will stay with my H, he is the father of my kids and a very active parent. But, he did spend about one month canceling on the kids, all happy happy with main OW. That was hard for me, as I know this crazy moving away abandoning H you are incountering is. You need support. If you get back together, all you can control is you. Not your family. If your H gets mad, who cares?! I thought mine would blow a gasket when he found out they knew. He didn't. He used it to say that's why we will never work, because they hate him now. This weekend, he sat me down and asked if he could come home and try. Hand over phone records, passwords, admitted to every affair, broke off all contact with main OW and all others. Now, I didn't answer him. I'm done. But I tell you this because it was scary to just think of me and what I needed to take care of myself and my children. I was so worried it would ruin a chance a R with H. But since he wasn't thinking about me, I had to. And here he is, willing to try to work it out. Knowing my family knows. Our friends. I am the one that "made" him move out. I am the one who decided IF he comes back. Things that in the past I was scared would drive him away forever!!! Once I put me first, kindly & lovingly set & enforced my boundaries, I started to heal. I worked on the things within myself that I wanted to change and celebrated the strengths I already have. I know my worth! I'm going to be fine without my H. He saw that. He sees that. You can walk through your fear, and take care of you. If you do it lovingly and with kindness, I believe that is keeping the way home paved.

I am here, in your corner. You can do this! Moment by moment. But you don't have to put up with this junk. Tell him about the twins or don't. There are many things my H doesn't know. If you can try to put "outcomes" out of your mind and just be true to yourself and your needs, nothing you do will be wrong.

[adinva]

T, you are inspiring. I feel panicky sometimes that my H will want to come home and I'll forget my worth or not know how to lovingly not say yes. In my head I know this or that that I'd need to see to know he's really willing to change, but I worry that I'll let those needs go. Anyway, if it ever comes about, your words will be in my head giving me strength.

[in_it]

I got to see & hear both heartbeats yesterday! Last week when the doctor discovered it was twins we could only make out one heartbeat. It was awesome. Everything looks good. The doc had told me to hold off on exercise last week. He said yesterday I could continue to exercise as long as I watched my heart rate & we would evaluate at each appt. He is a little concerned about the babies growing big. Twins are typically smaller anyhow & I don't really have a torso, so he doesn't know where they will grow. He told me this when I asked about bed rest.

I had to go on bed rest with both of my girls at the end, so that is also why he said he will probably push for it. I'm not as freaked out about it any more. There is a calmness going on & I like it. I know I just freaked out in the moment last week when finding out I was having twins & in the next breath him saying he puts moms with multiples on bed rest pretty early.

Still haven't told H & for some reason it really isn't bothering me. I'm sure it will consume me again sometime soon & I deal with it when it comes up.

I will say I am extremely exhausted & tired. I guess that's preparing me for the life of busy, busy twins! Papa4life-how old were your twins when they started sleeping through the night? I hope this side effect wears off soon. Other than a little morning sickness (ok, every morning) I'm doing good.

Tallula, thank you so much for your insight. You being able to tell me your feelings & emotions as a pregnant woman is great. Thank you.

[Tallula]

Tiny heartbeats...woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So exciting!!

You are going to have ups and downs. Expect them. There were days long stretches that I was just MAD I was pregnant. Not happy about having a baby...AT ALL! At first I beat myself up. "What's wrong with you?! You know so many woman who would die to be able to have a baby, you ungrateful..." STOP!! Don't feed this BS self talk. Who wants to have their spouse cheat on them, emotionally/physically leave them...while pregnant. Um, no one, that's who. I accept my emotions, let them run through me ie. sob in a ball on the floor, punch something, write really awesome revenge fantasy's... My kids have helped me to be so excited. S4 is constantly talking about the baby and all his toys he will give him. D2 just kisses my belly and say "mama, baby in dere..." Ha.

Remember, tired until out of the first trimester...tired until you get out of the first trimester!

Focus on the here and now!! Who cares when you tell H. This is about YOU! And your kids! He can go fly a kite...

[RealityTrip]

(((((((((twins!))))))))))) How wonderful! I'm glad your hanging in there with the rough stuff your H gave you in that convo. It's scary to let them go. (and I don't have kids... much less more on the way) But in having been separated since Feb 2 and having my W back for this "visit", I realized that I never would have felt this strong (as strong as that is) if my W had been home with me these past 3 months. Through all the crazy emotions and struggle to maintain in the beginning, something clicked. I don't think I realized it until she was back in the house visiting.

Don't be afraid. Letting him go is not losing him. It's giving you room to breathe. Giving you time to be your best self without concerning yourself with him for a minute. When he is irrational it's hard to remember that he can and will take care of himself if he's forced to. It's ultimately his responsibility anyway.

You get the the much better job of taking care of you and your kids!

[labug]

What's up?

[in_it]

Hi bug, not a lot. Thanks for checking in.

I still haven't told H about the twins.

I can't keep my head from spinning. I really don't think I'm in a very good spot right now. I have the privilege of having two Cs if I want when I go to IC. I'm meeting with both of them today. I spoke to one of them on the phone Tuesday regarding my obsession with wanting to tell OW about my pregnancy. She suggested I write a letter to both H & OW and bring them in to discuss as a form of therapy. I wrote them yesterday & am scheduled to see both Cs in a few hours.

I hope this brings some relief. I have been going back & forth daily with the feeling that if H leaves then I would give up my stand & let him go all the way to I would continue my stand & fight for our marriage. I just don't know.

Thinking of posting my letter to OW here as well. Maybe right before I go to IC & see what the feedback is from all here compared to what I get in IC?

The letter I wrote to OW is not about me confronting her. It is simply letting her know that I'm concerned for H. I actually wrote it under the assumption that she knows about me being pregnant.

Also, on another note…H left his computer on the counter yesterday with the instant message conversation from the day with OW open. I read it. He doesn't know & he didn't leave it up on purpose. He rushed into the room when he realized what he had done & slammed the laptop shut quickly & was nervously looking around. This was in our kitchen & I was in the living room with the girls when he came in to get the computer.

In the convo she said she wanted his baby & her biological clock was ticking. He replied with 'get in line'. She said what does that mean, what are you saying? I thought you slept in separate beds, I thought you were only with me? And added several red faced emoji's. He replied back with 'I'm kidding'. She then asked him if he was in or out with baby making? He said that they needed to get in the same city, let alone state first, and then he'd probably be 'in'.

[jp787]

I can't keep my head from spinning. I really don't think I'm in a very good spot right now. I have the privilege of having two Cs if I want when I go to IC. I'm meeting with both of them today. I spoke to one of them on the phone Tuesday regarding my obsession with wanting to tell OW about my pregnancy. She suggested I write a letter to both H & OW and bring them in to discuss as a form of therapy. I wrote them yesterday & am scheduled to see both Cs in a few hours.

I think that is a great plan and hope it helps!

Also, on another note…H left his computer on the counter yesterday with the instant message conversation from the day with OW open. I read it. He doesn't know & he didn't leave it up on purpose. He rushed into the room when he realized what he had done & slammed the laptop shut quickly & was nervously looking around. This was in our kitchen & I was in the living room with the girls when he came in to get the computer.

In the convo she said she wanted his baby & her biological clock was ticking. He replied with 'get in line'. She said what does that mean, what are you saying? I thought you slept in separate beds, I thought you were only with me? And added several red faced emoji's. He replied back with 'I'm kidding'. She then asked him if he was in or out with baby making? He said that they needed to get in the same city, let alone state first, and then he'd probably be 'in'.

You know this only hurts you right?

I would guess he will say whatever it takes to keep the calm with OW.