The ILYBINILWY speech came completely out of the blue, he said he just doesn't "feel" it any more. He also said that if he had to divorce me (we aren't married) he wouldn't be able to come up with a reason - it is/was nothing to do with me, but with his desire to not be "the go-to man" any longer. To not have to put on a face to the world. To not be responsible. To live his own dreams. To not hurt me. There were others, but I'm sure you've all heard them before. He just wanted to sell the house and make sure I had enough money to look after myself because he still cares for me (well he did then, time tells, and he certainly doesn't act like he cares).
He had to take the week off work following the speech, he was a head case. Went to the docs, who recommended a councellor. (well that was all the story I got). But our NHS service does not provide this instantly, and he was just bursting to get things out. I managed to find a private councellor locally whom he saw 6 times and then announced she could do nothing for him. Although he admitted that this was all linked to his childhood. During this time we spent afternoons out together, at the beach, walking, just to get him out. Had to stop as he found this all too normal.
Of course, this is only part of the story. In hindsight I can see this has been ongoing for some time. I am not good on dates/timelines, although I can link in life events that I believe have had an effect.
We moved several 100 miles from my family so he could be in an area where he had spent happy childhood holidays, this hasn't been the experience he had hoped for. This was 5 years ago, during this time we have been through his mothers treatment for pancreatic cancer (which she continues to survive, just), a career opportunity he has always wanted failed to work out, he hates the only job he has managed to get during our time hear (low pay, mindnumbing, boring, etc) and we have had to spend most of our savings just living (he has spent the rest since on having a good time. His cousin (close in age) committed suicide without leaving any note of any explanation of what he was going through. his younger brother is in ill health. His father, who he hasn't spoken too for 30 years is in ill health ( his parents had a nasty divorce in his late teens) and his mother had been pressing his to visit him during the months before the speech. He did visit him the day after the speech as he was on life support and they weren't sure he would survive. He did, but my partner has not forgiven his mother for forcing him into this.
He is depressed (although he wouldn't admit it), he cant sleep (even now, months later, if he spends the night here he only sleeps for 3-4 hours), he has lost weight, lost interest in life, hobbies, me, dog.
About nine months before the speech he joined a social group (complete 180) and this has now taken over his life. He plays a character there, he is someone/something else - whatever he want to be. along with the socialising/drinking aspect he has also developed an EA with a woman who attends. is it a PA? Has always denied this, and looking at him - mmmmn.
We met some friends out one day about a month before "the speech" - I turned to them after because they had been through a similar situation several years earlier. When I called and said I wanted to talk they opened me with open arms. I told them about the speech and they were gobsmacked a) they never imagined we would be anything but a couple but b) he has looked so awful when we saw them they thought I was going to tell them he had a terminal illness...
Well I am sure that I could go on and on... but does this give you some idea of what I am dealing with?
