Portia, thanks for stopping by at my thread. I agree with you that NC is the best thing for you right now. Look at me. I was doing fine until my H showed up and all emotions were stirred up again. If we didn’t have business together, I'm pretty sure my H would go for more than 6 weeks with no communication. I would give it another couple of weeks at least. And then, maybe you could use some of the advice you’ve got from ForeverYoung.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
That is exactly why NC is good right now. There are a few places in my life where I am skating on some thin ice - work for one - that I need to concentrate on. I am too pessimistic that any communication will just be more lies or something that I do not want to hear.
Personally, I'm a believer in the power of one way contact. After a long enough period of NC, and once I got antsy enough, I'd send a simple, friendly email or text like "Hi, I hope things are going well for you".
No question(s), no big R statements, no pressure for them to even reply. Then just wait and see what happens. This cracks the door just a bit, and could offer some insight as to where they are.
I do believe there is a time for NC, and maybe that time is now for you.
The thing about no contact at all though, is that to me it could smack of "teaching them a lesson", which of course is not the signal we want to send.
Do you disagree with the others, then that I should wait until July?
There is no way I could decide that for you. You know your partner, your feelings, and what is more likely to work way better than I do.
I have not followed your whole thread but I noticed from your signature that you both still live in the same house? Was there a OM involved?
Same house for the duration, (with lots of distance) doesn't seem to be an OM.
I am jut wondering how you think those factors may have affected your actions. Obviously living in the same house indicates a door being somewhat open. My xSO is far away and we have not had contact in about six weeks.
I really am interested in others' perspective.
The real truth is that the NC is for me right now. I am exhausted and burnt from touching the hot stove. I am more frightened of what I may hear from him if I do contact him. Until that fear subsides, I do not want to risk any more of my mental health. I probably should not think negatively, but while we were in contact, he kept talking of moving. I know his MLC pattern well enough to suspect he is thinking of moving in with GF. I just do not want to know.
Right, NC is for you. Do it as long as you need to. Not to teach him a lesson, but for your own wellbeing. It's not a contest to see who can hold out the longest, with the one who does getting the win. The goal is to get back together, right? Who cares who contacts who first if the goal is reached?
That being said, if you do it you have to be smart about it. Start light, with no pressure, like I posted above. Sit back and gauge the response. Then wait a bit and decide your next move. I wouldn't call, that makes it more likely you'll get into stuff you'd rather not. Once you feel ready it's better to start with a simple one way (no questions or expectations for response) text or email, and slowly build on it.
Promise me you'll apply yourself to securing your job!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
When I want to talk to H about our R, I write him a letter. Then of course I never send it. But at least I've expressed myself. (And you know, even if I did send it the MLC wouldn't comprehend it.)
Just a thought.
Sending you good vibrations ~
This is a great idea!! Thanks Mzjjd, thanks
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
He never gave me a fighting chance. He detached, met other women and finally found one as needy as he is. Does not want me at all. I have seen on several threads comments like the MLCer returns to family, to roots and to those ties. I feel like without those things, there is nothing to act as a pull back.
Hi Portia. I've read through your threads, sorry you're going through such a hard time. I'm new, still on moderation, but feel compelled to comment on this statement "the MLCer returns to family, to roots and to those ties. I feel like without those things, there is nothing to act as a pull back" -- the only thing married people have that you did not is a piece of paper. You and your SO have a long history together, are/were family to each other, with roots of a home and love.
Don't give up on your SO waking up out of the MLC confusion. He sounds even more confused and has an even screwier relationship with his OW than mine does. And that's saying a lot!
Hang in there. You may not realize it, but after reading thru your whole thread, I can see that you are so much stronger now!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Right, NC is for you. Do it as long as you need to. Not to teach him a lesson, but for your own wellbeing. It's not a contest to see who can hold out the longest, with the one who does getting the win. The goal is to get back together, right? Who cares who contacts who first if the goal is reached?
Thanks FY. That is the million dollar question right now and one of the reasons I have not contacted him. We seem to be such different people now, with different goals and visions for the future. And so much water under the bridge.
And I promised I won't get booted from my job, I just used to imposing higher standards on myself than I appear to meeting these days. To think, I gave myself a month and thought I should be recovered!
Portia, It takes a long time to recover. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You will get back to your "higher standards" in time. Right now, even though you may not realize it, you are still thinking about your SO and watching the calendar. Are you doing some fun things or just staying in?
It's time to put the calendar away, keep the focus on you, your job and your family. I know you want your SO back in your life, but it's going to take time for him to miss you, your voice and your wonderful personality. Let him go to find that illusive happiness. He will learn in due time that the person he was seeking was you all along. Just be patient.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Linda, Nice to "meet" you! You read all my thread? Goodness! I sure had my days, didn't I? I have read through your thread as well. The funny thing about moderation is that you pop up in weird places.
Isn't it a stange relationship? As I become a little more detached, it still seems like a strange relationship. Your H is living the fantasy, too...Russian OW. The problem (OK, one of the problems) with that sort of relationship is that it is only "real" from one side. Those girls are desperate and they want out of Russia. It would not surprise me at all to discover she had more than your H on the hook. For her, this is so not about love. I actually think that is similar to what my xSO has done. He is living in a "white picket fence fantasy" and she is financially shoring up her future and gets someone to lean on during her divorce.
Today and right this minute, I do not care.
Snodderly, thank you for your kind words. I don't know about wonderful personality, most of my office affectionately leave me alone before 10:00 a.m. I am doing OK: the sun is finally shining and I am out in it. Sometimes I stay in since the dishes won't do themselves and the cat does not seem to want to learn. Sometimes I am sad for what was lost but I am still excited about the future. This recess time has been good for me.
Hi Portia, I hope you had a nice weekend, and that you were able to do something fun. I've been away for a few days, and am now off moderation, thank God.
How are you handling your no contact period? Having no contact must be harder in some ways and easier in some ways than trying to remain detached while living in the same house as your MLCer. Are you able to block him out of your mind? I find myself thinking about my H and about his Russian Tramp constantly. I bet I think about her more than he does!
Detachment is hard; I am taking it one hour at a time. Right now I am just trying to be strong and not push, beg, follow, text, or throw my arms around my H. In other moods I have to try not to scream, punch him, throw his laptop out the window, and send nasty emails to the Russian Tramp OW.
I think you're right about your SO's relationship with his OW seeming stranger the more you detached you become. She sounds like she might be having a MLC too! Or maybe she's just a user, ensuring that she has a man to support her if her attempts to reconcile her marriage don't work out. Such a strange mindset!!
I'm glad you are using this time to get stronger and healthier and happier. Hang in there, and contact him when you feel ready!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Having no contact must be harder in some ways and easier in some ways than trying to remain detached while living in the same house as your MLCer. Are you able to block him out of your mind? I find myself thinking about my H and about his Russian Tramp constantly. I bet I think about her more than he does!
You are so right. I imagine that each situation - at home, nearby or (like mine) far away - all have their challenges and their blessings. No contact can be good as I do not always have to keep up my PMA or be "on" all of the time. I can see how that can be very exhausting. The downside is that I have no clue what is going on with him and while this can be an upside as well, in my case I have trouble controlling my imagination. My imagination always seems to picture him having a rollicking good time without me with his new GF and family. I also have no idea if they have moved in with each other - lots can happen in two months. The advantage to having them in the house is at least you can keep slightly better tabs on where they might be.
I wish I could say that I do not think of him every day, but I do. Usually, it's some odd thing that I see and think he would think so, too (we both have a really odd sense of humour). And I, like you, think of the GF/OW way too much. Despite the fact that what people say on this Board is quite true: the relationship between them is strange, it is just a band-aid and if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. Those thoughts I try actively to push out of my mind.
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Detachment is hard
No arguments there!
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I think you're right about your SO's relationship with his OW seeming stranger the more you detached you become. She sounds like she might be having a MLC too! Or maybe she's just a user, ensuring that she has a man to support her if her attempts to reconcile her marriage don't work out. Such a strange mindset!!
It is true and actually quite amazing that these relationships last as long as they do. In fact, they did (according to him) break up for a couple of months. What hurts is that they give us up or give up the chance to at least work with us for something so strange. The hardest thing to get my head around was that even if he broke up with her, that does not mean coming back to me.
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I'm glad you are using this time to get stronger and healthier and happier. Hang in there, and contact him when you feel ready!
Thank you! I am trying. I don't know if/when I will contact him. The truth is, I was hoping that he would contact me. Just a small sign that I still mean something to him. If not, well, I have other things to do
