Hi friends! I was on vacation! (GAL'ing my butt off) I went with 5 friends to Destin for a week of fun and sun... leaving my W behind in our home. I had a great time! I tried new things... like deep sea fishing!) It was very much needed for me and my friends are so awesome!
I came home on Sat. My W was still here. She told me she slept for days. The house and plants reflected that. I didn't judge her. I told her that I was glad she was able to rest.
We spent all day together on Sun and then it happened... we ended up in the same bed. yeah. (really big deal. That intimacy in our marriage ended when the affair began years ago) It was wonderful, lots of tears on her part and a few on mine. Both of our emotions were crazy later that evening and we fought. It was a productive exchange though. I felt like she really heard me. I know I was trying to hear her and what I got was that she is still so very sad and depressed. She told me that she plans on going back to her brother's for a while. She said that she is broken and no good to anyone until she deals with herself. Honestly, I agree. I also think it will be better for me... at least for a while.
I put her on a plane for work yesterday and she comes back Thu. night. I expect her to leave for her brother's on Fri. I am going to do my best to make sure that Thu. evening is calm for both of us.
Lots more to process and think through with all of your help but I'll do it in shorter increments over the next few days.
Also going to take some time to catch up with everyone's sitch's!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I'm glad you vacation went well. Sounds like your mind is in a great spot. Keep it there. I'll be thinking & praying for a smooth Thursday evening for you.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Start practicing your mantras for Thursday evening.
I remain calm in the face of fear. I remain calm in the face of pain. I remain calm in the face of anger. I remain calm in the face of surprises. I remain calm in the face of anything. I remain calm.
I breathe into the fear. I breathe into the pain. I breathe into the anger. I breathe into the surprises. I breathe into anything. I breathe.
Just a start. Do what you need to make it yours. Then get it down. You go, girl!
I remain calm in the face of fear. I remain calm in the face of pain. I remain calm in the face of anger. I remain calm in the face of surprises. I remain calm in the face of anything. I remain calm.
I breathe into the fear. I breathe into the pain. I breathe into the anger. I breathe into the surprises. I breathe into anything. I breathe.
Amazing. Thank you so much SD!!!!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
This might be a lot at once but I have to get it out...I need to reel myself in. I need to not go overboard. When my W is responsive or does loving "Acts" (her LL) like she did before I went on vaca or since she has been affectionate and we have been intimate (PT is my LL) after my vaca, it's very easy for me to slip back into "married" mode of expectations.
I was thinking about it last night. These past 2 yrs during her A and our S... I have always in my mind been "married" to my W. She has not. She has had a whole other R with another person. She told me recently that I am moving faster than her. Rather than listen to the words for what they were, I tried to read into them and find hidden meaning. Thinking she just wants to leave the door open for her A to restart.
If I don't slow down and drop my expectations I will hurt myself. My W has not said the words that she wants to reconcile. As a matter of fact, while I was on vacation she told me that her AP and she spoke quite a bit and the AP wants to work things out and try again. My W expressed confusion over this. (then we ended up being intimate for the first time since the A began... just for the sake of chronilogical order)
Intimacy: My W pulled away from me when her A began in 2011. When I would try to address it not knowing of her A, she would blame her self-esteem, weight, fatigue, etc... Hind sight now what it is. It was the A. She once told me that the cheating didn't seem as bad if she wasn't intimate with me while she was cheating. I read that one as she didn't want to cheat on her new lover with her spouse. She claims this isn't so... that she was trying to protect me. I don't know about that one.
This morning I am having to exert effort not to call her or text her. (she's out of town for work) I engaged her too much yesterday and I know it. It was like I threw everything out the window that got us this far. There's a clingy, needy monster in me that was awoken after intimacy with her. I myself would find that very unattractive. Where does this child-like side of me come from? And what need is it trying to fill? Honestly, it's not a new part of me just one I am now recognizing.
So I am here processing. Not calling or texting.
(Popping myself on the hand) I snooped. She told me she ended the A but never told me why. I lost my DB mind after a few drinks and got on her Ipad. My cheating W had been snooping on her cheating AP... (wrap your head around that one!) My W found a letter sent from her AP to another that confirmed the AP had been cheating on her. The letter clearly indicates that this person had broken things off with my W's AP. So is this why my W's AP wants to "try again"... because she got dumped? And where does this leave my M? My W knows I snooped. (not happy at all of course... major backslide) I told her this knowledge makes me feel like second choice. She was very upset at this claiming it wasn't so. I don't know where I land on that one.
I'm confusing myself so here is the order of events:
-W tells me A has ended... she ended it. No explanation. -W asks to come home for 3 weeks - convenient for work & I'm away -before I go on vaca W does "Acts" of service (her LL) -I snoop to find reason A ended -AP calls W while I'm on vaca asking to reconcile -I return W and I are intimate for first time in 2yrs -I return to snoop and reread AP letter... very confused after intimacy -W gets mad at snooping and we argue, but its really productive and I feel very validated and heard -we make up -W goes away for work and on day 1 I am a childish, needy monster -Here I am
uuuuugggghhhhhhhhhhh
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Can I just say... When I read threads of more seasoned DB'ers I am just in awe. I can't imagine some of you ever stumbling so clumsily through anything the way I do!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
First, I have to point out that more than one recent backslide involved drinking. Think about your priorities.
Second, throw out that entire chronology and replace it with "My W is confused, and so am I. She's not in a place to be fully present with me right now."
Third, you have identified something very important in that childish, needy monster. Focus on addressing that. That is the key. I've gained lots of insight and practical suggestions on it from Pia Mellody's work on codependence. I especially think her audio on co-addicted Rs is worth a listen.
I have battled that childish needy monster my entire life. I'm just back from the EE workshop and the wound that creates that monster feels healed. I'm wishing that same peace for you and I'm sending you many more hugs.
Thanks SD. I have Pia's website up on another window. There is a lot there!!! Thanks! I see the Audio titled "Codependance" and then a book on "Facing Co-dependance" Do you have a recommendation on where to start?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
[quote=StubbornDyke"My W is confused, and so am I. She's not in a place to be fully present with me right now." [/quote]
!!!!!! Thanks !!!!!! I needed that grounding.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
(really big deal. That intimacy in our marriage ended when the affair began years ago) It was wonderful, lots of tears on her part and a few on mine. Both of our emotions were crazy later that evening and we fought. It was a productive exchange though. I felt like she really heard me. I know I was trying to hear her and what I got was that she is still so very sad and depressed. She told me that she plans on going back to her brother's for a while. She said that she is broken and no good to anyone until she deals with herself. Honestly, I agree. I also think it will be better for me... at least for a while. 