A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[keep_going]

Thanks to everyone who has chimed in and given their opinion – Acc, AS, NLW, NG, SIAS and Tallula. You have all given me food for thought and brought up good points. I love coming here and finding ways of challenging myself through the different perspectives you all give me.

I think we all agree that when going through a D we need to protect ourselves – financially, physically and emotionally. Healthy boundaries are what help us achieve that and I think that is not the issue for me.

Perhaps I wasn’t very clear in my post. I don’t believe I let my H control my actions anymore. My situation is “old” enough that I am at a different place in the grieving process. I believe I have reached more acceptance, and while there are still moments and surges of pain and sharp grief, I am for the most part, doing well and moving on with my life. I have established and enforced healthy boundaries with H. I have also reached a certain level of detachment where I see things more clearly and continue with my own path, regardless of H’s (or others) actions that I cannot control and that could affect me if I let them.

I am also protecting myself legally and use my L for most D-related things. I keep my cool when H reacts negatively and immediately back away without trying to defend or argue. Most of our communication is by email or text now and we hardly ever talk anymore even on the phone. In fact I have not seen him in person for 10 days now. I have gone as dim as you can go considering that we have 3 very young children together…

I am not sitting still waiting for H to come back. I am moving on with the acceptance that my M is over and it’s just a matter of time before all the administrative stuff is settled. I don’t wonder about his daily comings and goings most of the time. Yes, certain things remind me of him (after all we did spend 18 years together), but those thoughts don't dominate my every waking moment and I rarely let thoughts of H and OW affect me in a significant way when they come to me.

I am extremely busy with my life (which I find a blessing at this time) and am focusing on what brings me happiness. Most importantly, I am focusing on improving every day as a person and I am not doing it for H at all. I am well beyond the “I just wanting to save my M” stage.

I was posing the question more from a perspective of a “am I doing everything I can – given the circumstances, given the situation – to act in accordance to what I am striving for…”
The question was really inspired by Kate’s Place post:
“At the end of the day, I can control how I react to H. There is nothing so bad in my life that requires me to be mean, petty or rude. That allows me to treat others with dismissal or disrespect. I refuse. If you cannot abide by the simple tenets of humanity then I will be polite, but you are no longer allowed to affect my life, period.”


I find that the short and quick answer in my place is yes, for the most part, I am trying my best given the situation. Yet I also agree with Tallula – being kind and trusting doesn’t mean we become chumps.

I have read a lot around the boards about people going thru a D process and I guess I agree with Acc and AS – there is just so much DBing you can do (in relation to your S) when there are inherently antagonistic issues permeating your daily life and interactions with your S. Yes, at the very least, they bring a white elephant to the dynamic that is impossible to ignore. Because of my inherent distrust, I am very guarded of what I share and how I share with H, I take everything he says and does with a grain of salt and even more – I basically wonder what is the hidden agenda behind things; and I know H feels and acts the same way with me…

So I guess my point here is that all of these attitudes or behaviors that help us establish healthy boundaries and take care of ourselves could increase the chasm existing between us and our S when we have all these really emotionally-charged issues related to the D. There are real fears based on real issues that can and will affect our future lives in very significant ways. And so it becomes practically impossible to reconcile the difference between looking out for oneself and looking out for a renewal /healing of the R and connect on some meaningful and intimate way with our spouses.

Coming to this realization is good, now the task at hand is to accept and be ok with that answer and just let things happen as they need and go with the flow until the dust settles…

Thanks again for helping me go through this in my head and with you all.