When you say LRT didn't work, reread DB about what it is and what it is for. There is no plan or action that you can do to stop W from something she wants to do. I don't believe LRT is described as something that can do that. So it won't work if that's what you're using it for. Understand what it is for. (Know that you cannot control another person; you cannot make her do anything, think anything, or feel anything she does not want to. You ONLY control you.)
I'm glad you're staying in the house.
I agree with the comments to plan on mainly listening and try less to prepare for a talk to get your desired outcome. It's scary. But you don't get to control the outcome, you just don't. Again, you only control YOU.
As for being baited, don't blame her for your behavior. She can say you are purple. Only you are responsible for your response. Decide, plan, practice not reacting. However, you should set boundaries about being treated with common decency and the respect anyone deserves and that you are willing to give her. So, "you completely disgust me" is something you should set a boundary about. W, I expect you to speak respectfully, not call names, and I'll do the same for you. If you speak to me like that again I will leave the room and we'll need to reschedule whatever you planned to discuss, for a later time that you're willing to try again respectfully.
As a man, you are not, and should not be, expected to tolerate insults hurled at you simply because they're coming from a woman or your W. Say no to that, cut it out, stop it, or excuuuuuse me?!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I have to agree with Stander (as usual!). Don't initiate R talk. If she feels the least bit of pressure from you, it's going to make her run for the door.
As the vets all say, don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. In the meantime, while she "spews" lots of falsehoods, let your actions speak the truth. In other words *show* her the good person you are and the even better person you are in the process of becoming!
Work on detaching, so no matter how many hurtful things she says, she can't affect your mood. You can do this.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
adinva...I am not sure if this will make you laugh, or become mad at me. But while she was laying out the "rules" of me continuing to live here, I asked her about any possible "benefits". She told me no, and that the "switch was off". I deserved it, because instead of juse backing off and shutting up....I asked why. Thats when she made the disgusted statement...and thats because everytime she looks at me all she can see is the chewing tobacco...and that no amount of time will change that, and she doesnt believe I have or will every stop.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Chewing tobacco is not the reason your marriage is not healthy lol, trust me. You quit and there will be something else. Even if you didn't chew it would be something else.
Benefits? Really? Have you been posting here and reading or have aliens taken the real SFC away? Of course, about three weeks I asked H if I could call him up for a booty call lol, so I guess I was no better lol!! (he declined)
That DONE is script for every spouse that walks away. Mine was done. Now who knows?
Ladies, ladies, ladies...I know it was crass. Too be honest I was just trying to lighten the mood and maybe get her to giggle. And she did a little bit....and thats right where I SHOULD have left it. But no...my big dumb pollack mouth had to ask the follow up question WHY!
Besides, that part of the marriage was pretty good (at least I thought), and its been over a month...and even in the bad days...thats a long time.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I understand why you would would ask. Man do I understand, lol. But saying you were, "just trying to lighten the mood"? Really? So if she had said, "Yee-haw, cowboy, let's go for a roll in the hay!", you would have said "Just kidding"? Lol.
As much as it hurts, you have to accept that it's pressure on your W and it won't do anything to loghten the mood.
I can't blame you for trying. My W said on BD that she wanted to live together as "room mates" and that ML could continue, but that evaporated before I could even take her up on the offer. And I'll admit, I asked her a couple of times about a "fairwell party" but she made a face like I asked her to join me in a plate of escargot covered in peanut butter sauce, lol!
But I regret that now (yet another in a line of rookie mistakes), and you'll come to understand why as your sitch progresses. It can still turn around, but putting pressure on her will have the opposite effect from the one you are hoping for.
So, remember to STFU, and realize that the whole chewing tobacco thing is just a convenient criticism for her to justify making decisions that have little to do with you and everything to do with her own feelings of dissatisfaction (even if she was actually satisfied in some crucial areas, wink).
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I deserved it, because instead of juse backing off and shutting up....I asked why.
Ouch, LOL! Oh man, I can almost hear the desperation from here
Quote:
Thats when she made the disgusted statement...and thats because everytime she looks at me all she can see is the chewing tobacco...and that no amount of time will change that, and she doesnt believe I have or will every stop.
Prove her otherwise then. I do agree with the others that that's probably not the primary reason your M is failing, BUT... what a great way to show her a 180. If you quit then that is something that she can easily see. Like all 180's, don't TELL her, just DO it. Actions are everything to the WAS. That is one of the most nasty, disgusting habits ever and I don't think you should minimize just how much it grosses her out. The smell, the trash from it, the spitting, the crap stuck between your teeth when you smile, it is totally vile, LOL!
Just wanted to pop in and let you all know how its going. Things are the same. Still room mates, still separated. She has had some casual chit chat, but unless I am asked a direct question I just listen. If I do talk, I usually just bring up something our S or dogs did in a light hearted way and leave it at that.
She comes and goes, and I dont get up anymore to follow her, I just let her come in and do her thing. It kinda bothers me she is still sitting in her bedroom watching tv instead of being in the living room with me, but I can not control it...and its her choice.
GAL'in my face off this week with scuba classes and work. I do feel better, even though it still hurts when I think about it.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Swede, I think you now have some time to do 180's, GAL, and see how things progress. Don't force anything and over-time the W will relax toward you. Also, I agree that not chewing tobacco would be a great 180.
Its been over a month...but I have been chewing ALOT of nicotine gum. W says she doesnt believe it...not that I am telling or pushing her...it came up on the last R conversation when she came home from her trip. And she says, even if it is true, its too little too late.
But...I cant change how she feels, only how I feel. Right?
I have the gift of time as I have read on these boards over and over.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
