Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

TWS, I think of you often too. Thank you for your constant encouragement. It means the world to me! I look to you often for strength, as someone who knows that your H is having an A, but still holding her cards. I know how hard that is to do.

T^2, I'm right there with you in that line of thinking of dimming way down and have done that as of two nights ago. Day 16 I know he was a mess, and I fixed it. Picked him up, talked to him for a few hours about nothing, and he was doing way better by the end. And payback was him going over to unknown followed by ow1 that night. Like me doing that made him feel like I was always going to be there for him, built him up, so he could go out and play? I dunno how that works out in his head. Just not doing that again and I went dim. Not like it will keep him in his own bed, just so I don't feel like crap for being nice. More on that later.

GG, That's what I keep thinking too. As others have said, when you're done, you'll know it. You won't question it anymore. As much as I think about blowing it all up, I still have those doubts, and the doubts rarely have anything to do with the marriage, although there is always the thought of he could come back and be the husband/father we deserve and I could forgive him. I see that desire in him often, but I also see the dominating feeling that there is no way back, so don't bother trying. If I hadn't seen changes in H in a positive direction, I think I too would have woken up one morning and been done. As bad as things are now, they are way better than they were 5 months ago. He has fully reconnected with the kids. The month of December he spent 15 hours total with them. Now he is really involved. He is almost begging for ways to be there for me and help me out, even giving up his planned nights out. Before he would go weeks without taking the kids and wouldnt so much as bring a trash can in. He is honest with me, as painful as that can be, I am starting to trust what he says. I gotta focus on that. At least some things are moving in the right direction. I'm glad that you will soon be out of limbo and hopefully be for your birthday! I see such good things happening for you! You are incredibly strong yourself. It takes a lot of courage to make the leap you have and to start a new life. "Don't break character. You've got a lot of heart."

AJ, I agree. I think my H will not stop until he hits rock bottom and leaves a lasting dent. Probably needs to have it cave in and a few rocks fall down to hold him there too. I think my compassion doesn't help in that regard. It is so difficult to get off the train, when it keeps following me and tries to run me over. I'm trying. I stopped the connections to him. Again, it just takes 24 hours of no contact/response from me for him to show up at the house. He did again today. Wanted to see the boys, but comes looking for me first. Wants to know if I saw his FB post and why I didn't comment--that he knows I saw it because I still get the notifications like he does, right?? I told him I couldn't think of anything nice to say. (hah!) I know he was waiting all day for a witty comment from me. (And I'm annoyed that he is friends on FB with all the OW except #1, and all of them liked the post. Any witty comment from me would have surely invovled that fact.)

He then starts talking to me about things I said "last week," except I didn't say them last week, I said them yesterday. And he started repeating things he had already told me too about FB and posting and things they mean. (I told him before that I don't always respond to his stuff because I don't know if he is posting songs for someone else. :P He said he just posts for himself.) And then he talked to me about work, and rumors at work, and people at work. He talked for an hour, and he was nearly in tears several times anytime anything even hinged on me/us.

Oh and get this, at one point he goes, "what's up with your boobs?" He thought one was way bigger, and I shifted and he goes, oh it is just that you were sitting at an angle. (Uh okay?) And then he goes, yeah that wouldn't be good when you are dating. I just laughed at him and said whatever. (I thought that was weird enough to include here. #1, he's now analyizing my chest, and #2 is he testing my reaction to dating?)

So the difference is I didn't hug him or console him when he was in tears, which always gets me. I just acted like he wasn't getting that worked up. And I haven't contacted him since he left either. I feel like that's probably as dim as I'm going to get without changing the locks.

Any thoughts on that and if there is more I can do? I figure when he does show up, I can be nice and talk to him, but also when he starts to engages the boys, I go do something else. I'll stay off FB and slow response to calls/texts. I won't iniate any kind of contact or consoling.

Talked to MIL today who is so angry with H she hasn't talked to him in like a month. She was so sure that him being home for two weeks with baby would change everything and wake him up. She thinking I need to give him an ultimatum and is so tired of seeing him stagnant.

On the important front, the boys are doing amazing. I'm not looking forward to going back to work. It sure has been nice to have so much time to spend with them this last month. It will be good with school being out so we can stay up a little later.