I think I am understandig about bait, and pursuit/distance:
I hadn't heard from h since Friday night (work update message), to which I didn't feel the need to reply.
Today (holiday monday), I had to message him re: work/bidding. Took over an hour or two for him to reply, which I was surprized because normally he is on top of work scenario's that have time restrictions. I told him I thought we were going to discuss this purchase. He didn't reply. We didn't purchase/bid (very shocked!!).
Moments ago, h texted to let me know a work situation that he was pleased about, and ended with a smiley face. I didn't reply.
Then antoher message to let me know my tv show was on in 5 more mins. I didn't reply.
Mayybe I am mindreading/maybe not....(just trying to understand):
I am not getting baited into a "work" convo or message back on a holiday monday, when it wasn't important (to him) earlier in the day when we should have been bidding. Secondly, H texting me to tell me about my tv show, feels like he is "temp checking" to see if I am "still here/still available"... I don't feel the need to reply.
I feel If I reply, then he feels I am still "here" ready to play distance/pursuit. I am not. I am dim/distancing & "letting go"
Right?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Holiday Monday? Ok, so sounds like you are Canadian and if so, would fall under Canadian labour and business law (obviously). I am not a L, but I can tell you that if your partner were to somehow suggest that you are not a business partner, then you COULD claim wages. Alternately, if your partner claims you are NOT an employe, then you can like claim a business partner or at least debtor, then you possibly have tort claim on the business. Fail that, even if the business is incorporated, you likely have a common law (spousal) claim against the business.
That said, it all assumes that the R is not salvaged. You should still seek advice from an L.
As far as what might be going on, it could be possible that he is responding in kind to your current behaviour. Possible passive aggressive behaviours of not responding, since you've not been responsive to his attempts to maintain what was the norm. That's neither here nor there, just an observation that shows, as YOU change, you change the sitch, and therefore HE changes. Normal for WAS behaviours (as a frame of reference).
It appears that you are struggling with being reactive. Stay the course. Business is business, personal is personal. Your "business boundary" is to do business and communicate as such during regular business hours, correct?
What about personal boundaries? Could you have responded to his personal text (tv show) and not got dragged into a business comm?
KD... It was a temp check for him. He wants to be certain that I am "there", but once I respond, he backs away again. Typical to the dance of below. He wants me to continue to pursue him. I don't want to play anymore.
// When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again. It's a dance of madness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, but once you snap up the niceness all over again, they will most definitely come back w/anger to distance themselves from you again for their safety and security. Does this sound familiar to you?//
Am now waiving my white flag. I surrender. Thinking about asking him to pay me the funds that is owed (salary, loan), and once that is received, ask him how we can disolve the business. I cannot continue to work with him. It's too gruelling and it is delaying the end. I need to be away from him. I hurt sooo much when I see him, and then so sad when I don't. I want to be free from him, and be able to heal.
Is ending my business going against DB efforts? or is this just me pushing away? (to save myself?).
Tx for the L advice. I am considering going to find out for myself, but just fear all the ugliness that it may bring. I just don't want any of it.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
This was certainly not good timing for BD from a business perspective. If you can keep at it and continue to detach, then at least you won't put the business or your "livelihood" at risk, although if you are not getting some... SOME... immediate (cash) compensation for what you are doing, you are (both) hurting yourself.
It's a really tough call, given the context of the situation. This is not formal advice, but I think it would be good if you could at least try to formalize the business and wages before you start talking dissolution of the business.
"Thinking about asking him to pay me the funds that is owed (salary, loan), and once that is received, ask him how we can disolve the business. I cannot continue to work with him. It's too gruelling and it is delaying the end. I need to be away from him. "
That is pretty drastic. You do realize that you haven't changed. You're still making it all about you and you continue with your "all or nothing" attitude. You haven't gotten yourself strong yet which is why you're doing this.
"Is ending my business going against DB efforts?"
Not necessarily, but it's definitely not going to help. He already told you he felt overwhelmed and so you dumping the business onto him isn't going to help.
"or is this just me pushing away? (to save myself?)."
This isn't "saving yourself". It's conflict avoidance. You can't stop yourself from thinking about things which is why you want to leave. You've never gotten to that neutral place where you are detached emotionally. Your attitude now is - Well if he's not going to want me, I'm leaving.
Entirely up to you of course.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, he is extremely overwhelmed. Dumping the business may not seemm like the right answer for him, but for me. It seems as though I cannot do much to make him happy.
I sold another product today. Validated his list of "things to do" that he feels so overwhelmed with. As he questions again, how I fill my day...knowing that I am not even able to assist my mom with household duties. (Little does he know its all I can do to make it through the day.
Right now, I need to send him our daily report. As I am trying to be dim, is it BD'ing to end it by saying "I know how overwhelmed you are. I hope selling today helped. Please let me know if there is something else I can do?"...or is this pursuit?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Not in a DB sense. You are reluctantly letting go and so are taking it as a sense of weakness rather than empowerment. You have to take the position that you are "allowing" him the time alone to get himself healthy.
"Yes, he is extremely overwhelmed. Dumping the business may not seemm like the right answer for him, but for me."
See? Thinking of yourself.
"It seems as though I cannot do much to make him happy."
EXACTLY. How many times do people tell you that it's not about you. This is his struggle that he feels like he needs to take on alone.
"Validated his list of "things to do" that he feels so overwhelmed with."
I don't know why you couldn't just let this go. That conversation was over and done with a long time ago.
"As he questions again, how I fill my day...knowing that I am not even able to assist my mom with household duties. (Little does he know its all I can do to make it through the day."
He asked a simple question. Don't read too much into it.
"Right now, I need to send him our daily report. As I am trying to be dim, is it BD'ing to end it by saying "I know how overwhelmed you are. I hope selling today helped. Please let me know if there is something else I can do?"...or is this pursuit?"
It's not necessarily "pursuit". It's rescuing behavior and enabling. Just let it go.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I feel I already tried "allowing" him time alone... I am trying to let go... for me. But yes, in a sense of weakness & humility. I give up. I am giving him to God to heal. And, me too.
As for dumping the business... again, I am confused ... thought I needed to look out for me? Do things for me?
Today his list of things he was overwhelmed with came out... so I listened and nodded and validated.
He questions about how I fill my day, as he feels so overwhelmed and thinks I do very little, as a partner.
I am required to report at the end of day, and added in text " I know how overwhelmed things are. I hope selling today helped." and left it at that.... he has not replied.
I changed the taillight in my car (180) by myself.... wanted to let him know, if he texted back.
Looking forward to your reply...Tx
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
