New to this ...

[PatientMan]

Just reading through your posts and offering my own humble advice:

She said "tonight my sister also wanted to go up to a nightclub to watch a country singer we both like. are you alright with that?". Now this nightclub has a serious reputation for a middle-aged pickup joint. We both have never been ones to ever go out and do this. In fact she has always said she prided herself on never stepping foot in that place. I couldn't say anything for about 10-15 seconds. And then I said ... I have changed this about me and I would never tell you not to go, but I have serious reservations because of the dangerous territory this could lead considering our situation. I know she is in a weird place right now, so it scares me.

This doesn't affect you because you are an emotional rock. Expect the unexpected, and none of it phases you.

Also back when the B dropped she said dont change because I dont want the kids thinking something is weird and dad is being overnice, so when we possibly do sep, it wont look like the she is the bad guy. I ignored that obviously...

Good. Don't let anybody get in the way of becoming the man YOU want and need to be. If you can be a better dad, then BE A BETTER DAD. If in some twisted universe that makes her look worse, that's her problem, not yours. You are not going to NOT improve yourself because she wants you to.

Figure out who YOU want to be, and take the steps you need to take to BE THAT MAN. Don't let anybody or anything get in your way or get you off track.

Don't want W to know I'm reading it, and dont want to ask her to read it right now.

Don't ask her to read it.

I know this other married person she has feelings for and their family since our kids play on the same soccer team. She said in 2 months she tried to forget her feelings for him. She also said nothing progressed past talking, but I just dont understand how you can make a decision like that with the limited time they had to see one another...

I'm telling ya, our situations are eerily similar. OM was an acquaintance of mine and our kids were in the same class, did activities together, went camping with the YMCA group, etc.

She comes homes and I tell her I have no intentions of hurting my kids or the family anymore over this, and we are in no place right now emotionally even deciding anything or certainly talking to them. She is relieved and thanks me?!? - like I would ever do anything but that. I am looking to ultimately spare them any pain, but it might not be possible. I also say the OM's wife called me. She gets angry about me being controlling and accuses me of calling her and I assure her that she called me and also what her husband promised to his wife. This sets her off even worse and storms out of the room. She cools down and comes back to talk.

Let her find out information like this for herself rather than telling her. Quiet confidence is your friend.

She calls and she asked why i was being nice and did I know that the OM called her? I said I wasnt being overly nice, but I wanted to just make peace for now and get through this without creating a bad home environment. And yes I knew he was going to eventually call you because he promised me he would. She said so you know what he said then, and I said, I know what he promised he would say. She said he did not want to break up 2 families and that he could no longer see or talk to anymore. At that point I was feeling for her in some weird way and I paused and said "I know this is very hard for both of us in different ways, but I wouldnt be human if I didnt say Im sorry your hurting. Right now I just want us to figure out how to move forward which ever path that is." And she said she had to go and I agreed because I was late for work.

Excellent job.

She will try to take the EA to a more hidden level. Especially if the OM has told his W that he won't leave his M.

Listen to sandi2. Not just about this, which is exactly how it went down for me, but about everything.

I was thinking of just calling and saying ... "I really don't want to put you in the middle, but I think your sister really needs you right now as I'm not sure she is in a good state at the moment. Im not going to explain the details, I will leave that to her but I understand where she's at with me and I have come to accept that but she just doesn't seem to be ok. Could you give her a call, she may need to just hear you say it will be ok regardless of what happens."

I know this violates one of the 37 rules but does this sound off base? Nevermind this does sound bad, doesnt it.

Yes, it's a bad idea. Be quiet.

In the next sentence she says that she is not sure how this will turn out but we should start talking to our therapists about what the reality of the situation. I said I have a session today and I plan on talking about how t deal with the kids during this but also I still need to focus on me getting my issues addressed.

Stop talking to her about your therapist and HOW you are improving yourself. Just do it.

btw - I noticed W didn't wear her rings yesterday.

It doesn't matter. You are an emotional rock and that stuff doesn't bother you.

This morning was rough after our talk last night. She looked at me for a couple of seconds. I wrongly bit and I said sorry for what I said about im done and letting you be happy ... but its the truth.

Don't bite. Learn from it and move on - don't beat yourself up over it.

The only controlling has been me trying to save my family.

You are justifying/rationalizing bad behavior. "Bad" as in: not what you should be or want to be doing.

---

Your world is spinning, you might be grieving and possibly depressed, life in general just SUCK5 right now...I don't know and I won't try to analyze you. I just want to point out that this too, shall pass. It may not feel like it, but it will eventually.

Take the steps you need to take to be the man you need to be. Focus on yourself and the kids. Stop trying to save your marriage because your marriage is dead. Maybe that's harsh, but even if you reconcile it'll be a new relationship, not the old one.

-PM

[steveh27]

Yeah im not doing good with this at all in the last couple days. Thanks all for your wisdom. I will post more when I get some time ... struggling today.

Got some mulch for the weekend - gonna do some yardwork.

[steveh27]

Bad weekend - this is going nowhere. A friend mentioned to me that the W had friend-ed the OM on FB on 5/6, the day after her admitting EA to me ... and also "liked" the restaurant he works at a couple days ago. I confirmed. It obviously came up in conversation since she decided to talk about R yesterday while we had a rare 20 min alone.

Her intent was to gauge where "I" was at with all this - and had I come to grips with the situation. Well since I had put my initial anger away about the EA initially and was trying to detach and 180 during this time without showing these emotions, they finally came to a head when she admitted she had talked to him since a couple times. Clearly this is how she wants to move forward, and mentioned again how she doesn't love me anymore.

We got angry and said some hurtful things. We calmed down and she asked me about mediation again ... I didn't have a good answer as I'm in a different place now. I said I don't know anymore - but I know that we are not spending $4k each to settle this, since this will leave us in a terrible spot financially. I added that there are online tools that can walk you through this process, so if this is what you want, then please find out and move forward.

I took off my ring and put it on the dresser last night. I wanted to throw it out the window of the car last night while we were driving home after our talk, as mad as I was - because symbolically that's what I feel like shes doing. I didn't as it would've have just looked dramatic and I would've regretted it.

Sorry guys I feel defeated. I know my W pretty well and she is strong minded when she wants to be. If she can't see or want to see the damage that will incur because she is blinded by the thoughts of another, I can't endure the pain that will follow. Although part of me knows she is in a different place with me emotionally also, but the hope of the OP I feel is making her decision easier.

Talk about detached ... this is the first time my emotions have gone to this point about her. I wish I could say I will keep the faith here, but reality tells me to protect whats left of my heart and move on.

[hotwheelsaust]

Steveh27, just letting you know I am feeling for you. I am pretty well at the same turning point in the sitch. Sitting on the fence ready to fall either way. I don't know whether this is detachment or something else. All I can think for myself is, it is another chapter in the sitch, and you have to allow time for it to become something, rather than make hasty decisions. All the best.

[sandi2]

A friend mentioned to me that the W had friend-ed the OM on FB on 5/6, the day after her admitting EA to me ... and also "liked" the restaurant he works at a couple days ago. I confirmed.

Steve, you've got to be prepared for these things. B/c you are probably going to find out even more. The woman has been unfaithful and she's so hung up on OM that she is seriously wanting to be free of this M so that it won't be a stumbling block for him. Not only can she not feel love for you, but she wants him to see her as single for the taking. Kind of a sick commitment. In her mindset, she believes that he will leave his family for her.....once he sees that she's left you.

Her intent was to gauge where "I" was at with all this - and had I come to grips with the situation

Exactly! That is the WAW's version to temperature taking. She feels you out, and then ......wham! You did tell her that things were going to fast and that you needed to come to grips with the stitch. That was your reasoning with her when you were trying to get her to agree to some fashion of MC, right? Well, she hasn't forgotten the reason you gave for holding things back from the D. That's why she was checking to see where you were by now.

Well since I had put my initial anger away about the EA initially and was trying to detach and 180 during this time without showing these emotions, they finally came to a head when she admitted she had talked to him since a couple times. Clearly this is how she wants to move forward, and mentioned again how she doesn't love me anymore.

Right, and she has told you not to have expectations, too. But you did. And the tighter you try to hold on to her, the harder she pulls to get away from you. That's why she keeps "reminding" you that she doesn't love you anymore and wants to move forward.

Sorry guys I feel defeated.

Enough to drop the rope?

I know my W pretty well and she is strong minded when she wants to be. If she can't see or want to see the damage that will incur because she is blinded by the thoughts of another, I can't endure the pain that will follow.

That would be a "yes" to both.... about her and about you.

Talk about detached ... this is the first time my emotions have gone to this point about her.

B/c you continue to try to do the work....from your emotions....instead of your action plan. As long as you do that, then your emotions will get the best of you each time.

There is another way to handle this. When you are ready, and when you really see that you can't control her (or try to pull in others to help), and you can set her free...then you might be ready for the last resort after the LRT. (Not that you ever called yourself using the LRT.) Let me know what you decide.

[PatientMan]

Well now you got me all excited. What's the last resort after the LRT?

[steveh27]

Sandi - I am beyond ready to let her go emotionally. It got ugly today because the OW called her today to stay away and the W blamed me - which extremely gets me angry as I knew it would happen eventually but how do I get sh#t on for that.

What I dread however is my kids faces when we have to do this. These emotions are unremovable.

[steveh27]

Hws - thanks for the support. I feel I tipped off the fence. Never in a millions years did I think I would have those feelings for her. But its not her anymore to me - she is gone.

[AnotherStander]

Well now you got me all excited. What's the last resort after the LRT?

Well there's letting go and then there's letting go. Some people say they are letting go, but they are really just pursuing it as another "technique" in DB'ing, it's another way of trying to bring their WAS back. So they have expectations that letting go is going to do something. Then there's letting go, when you finally come to the realization that you have no control over anything but yourself, that those aren't just words, but cold, hard facts. You release your spouse and move on without them and you have zero expectations that you will ever reconcile with them. You're living your life and leaving them to theirs. Some people might see it as giving up, but it's not really that, it's just accepting things as they are and moving to another place. It's well and truly accepting that you will be fine whether you continue life with or without your spouse, and finding your contentment and PMA in life without them. Sometimes when the LBS reaches this point the WAS suddenly realizes they're losing the LBS, and they're drawn back to them. But the LBS is often so fully detached and independent by then that they don't know if they even want the WAS back.

[PatientMan]

Bad weekend - this is going nowhere. A friend mentioned to me that the W had friend-ed the OM on FB on 5/6, the day after her admitting EA to me ... and also "liked" the restaurant he works at a couple days ago. I confirmed. It obviously came up in conversation since she decided to talk about R yesterday while we had a rare 20 min alone.

Her intent was to gauge where "I" was at with all this - and had I come to grips with the situation. Well since I had put my initial anger away about the EA initially and was trying to detach and 180 during this time without showing these emotions, they finally came to a head when she admitted she had talked to him since a couple times. Clearly this is how she wants to move forward, and mentioned again how she doesn't love me anymore.

We got angry and said some hurtful things. We calmed down and she asked me about mediation again ... I didn't have a good answer as I'm in a different place now. I said I don't know anymore - but I know that we are not spending $4k each to settle this, since this will leave us in a terrible spot financially. I added that there are online tools that can walk you through this process, so if this is what you want, then please find out and move forward.

I took off my ring and put it on the dresser last night. I wanted to throw it out the window of the car last night while we were driving home after our talk, as mad as I was - because symbolically that's what I feel like shes doing. I didn't as it would've have just looked dramatic and I would've regretted it.

Sorry guys I feel defeated. I know my W pretty well and she is strong minded when she wants to be. If she can't see or want to see the damage that will incur because she is blinded by the thoughts of another, I can't endure the pain that will follow. Although part of me knows she is in a different place with me emotionally also, but the hope of the OP I feel is making her decision easier.

Talk about detached ... this is the first time my emotions have gone to this point about her. I wish I could say I will keep the faith here, but reality tells me to protect whats left of my heart and move on.

steveh27:

Let me reiterate:

"You have got to figure out a way to detach and not react emotionally to this stuff. If that means turning ALL emotions off, then do it...at least for now. You need to get control of yourself ASAP."

You're hamstringing yourself with emotional reactions. STOP IT!