hey hi-

ya know- i know this stuff. it's there in my head too- i don't like to say it to myself- i don't like to confront it. i hate to believe it- but do - - - i don't like hearing it - but i'm thinking as you're saying it- yeah, i know. it [censored] to hear and it hurts to know- but ta da - this jacka$$ has decided for me, really.

I hate that he's created what our r has become- and i was "bought" right along in the deal. i should have - at some point - woke up and smelled the coffee. here was me all complascent and tra laing along- thinking all that goofy idealistic goop i usually do- and just giving him free reign to really screw up a very very nice r.

he's a jerk- and I facilitated it. oh well-

i still need to seriousluy find a real job before i go "public" with this all. this substitute teaching is okay- and something i've been curious about- but it's not fulltime and it's not going to support me.

idk if my h will be at all nicer about finances if I just cut the cord. he was ratty at beginning (first fight after i found out). haven't seriously addressed it since. figured i'd stay dark about all that- let him think i'll be around wanting him forever- and slowly recuperate and regain my "strength" and so on. it's okay- it wasn't a mistake to try this and wait. i feel less shakey in general - in life about going solo. i'm much less "damanged" than i was two years ago- nothing like bursting someone's cherished "bubble" to send them into a tailspin.

maybe my h thinks he's being kind to me- i cannot imagine what he thinks of me- to think i'll sit around and wait for more crumbs?

still- i'm on my own course here- getting own life- i'm thinking you'RE CORRECT - there are plenty of men out there- someone will be a good fit for either of us- FINDING THEM? HOW THE HECK - I DON't pretend to know or even think i have the desire or urge to date again. HOWEVER - I'D think we both have a long time to go til we croak- and will find the way sooner or later.

i absolutely hate this getting real stuff dawn- . my h is all about him - it's true. he can't even see it. he can do so many nice things for so many people- but i just don't know where old him went. doesn't seem to live there anymore. idk- it's discouraging and that is that.

off to bed - highschool tomorrow - oiy - hope i don't get scalped or something!!!