New developement. My wife and I hardly talk to each other about our relationship. I dont bring it up because as per the rules of DBing, we dont do that.
So at MC last week, I asked my MC how I should approach my wife to ask her if she would consider going to MC with me. In the past, she has said that it wont help. That she doesnt want to talk about our issues with a stranger etc. I asked her if there was someone that she would feel more comfortable with, like a friend, to mediate. She declined that too. I left it at that and accepted that she wont go.
She called me about two hours later and asked why I want her to go to MC. I told her that I wanted to see if there was any way that we might be able to work on our issues. She said that her feelings have changed for me and that she doesnt see them changing back to the way they were (ie loving and caring). I told her that I understand that her feelings have changed and because peoples feelings change, that those feelings can change back. I related our crisis to chapter six (I believe) in DB. The one regarding Gina and Roberts crisis. It is almost identical to our situation. That our situation is a common one in marriages and that many people have been successful at reconciling their M and R. I told her that our problems are normal marital problems and that there are solutions to fix the relationship but we both have to try.
I then said that my feelings have changed too and that we are not making progress in a positive direction regarding our R and that I felt that the two of us dont know how to fix our R on our own.
She said our problems started about 8 months ago. I said to her that if you look at our 10 year relationship like a chapter book, each year being a chapter, nine chapters have been good chapters and we have had one partially bad chapter. But, I also said that the book has many more chapters to go and may have some very good chapters to come. The book has not been finished being written. But, if we dont try, we will never know.
She reiterated that her feelings have changed towards me and that she doesnt see that changing on a positive way. So I told her that part of the reason that I am trying so hard to find a solution to our relationship was so that if it doesnt work out, at least I tried everything that I could to fix it and I will have a clear conscience and the peace of mind that I did all I could in case it cannot be saved.
She then said that she still doesnt want to go to MC, but if she doesnt go, she will look like the "bad guy" who didnt try. I told her I understand. Its the proverbial rock and hard place. She said that she doesnt think our R will ever be the same. I told her that I agreed. I said that our relationship wont be the same but, we have a chance to make it better and stronger if we try. If we try and it doesnt work we can at least say that we gave it 110%. Not only for our R and M but for our children too.
She then said, much to my surprise, that if she DID go, she may just sit there and not say anything. I was floored! She just said that she may consider going to MC with me! I am not getting too excited yet (well, a little bit) because she is not sitting in the MC office just yet but, this has been the most significant step forward on her part since the BD three months ago. I understand that she may be going just to be able to say that "she tried and it didnt work" or "wasnt for her" but this is a positive developement. I dont know if her feelings can change back, thats her decision. I have hope though.
I will talk to my MC tomorrow to ask him how to cautiously proceed so as not to scare her away from the MC appointment on Friday. She hasnt committed completely to going yet. Any advice from the veterans or anyone else, between now and Friday?
