confusion...

[littleGTO]

willbwell,

Listen. Validate. You don't have to agree. Make him feel like you hear him. Repeating their words w/o agreeing can make them feel like you are really listening.

When my H dropped the D bomb (once & only once a couple of weeks ago) it was SOOO very hard. I cried & fell apart and told him that it wasn't what I wanted for us and for our family. But, I did not negate what he said or his feelings. In fact I told him I did want him to be happy (which is true, but not w OW--those pesky conditions are still hanging on which is a sign of NOT being detached).

It is so hard to do this and detach from your own emotions. I know it is for me. Don't initiate R talk. Let him.

My H also brought up the whole "mediator" mention. I just said, "I haven't put ANY thought into how a D would be." My view is "yeah, I'll agree to a mediator IF you agree to pretty much EVERYTHING I want."

Everyone is different--don't spend too much time thinking about this yet. Take one day at a time, will!!! Hang in there.

[willbwell]

another day goes by. No mention of talking from H.I am not bringing it up. He goes out of town tomorrow for a week. I am driving him to Airport so I can have his car. I would like to ask him if he knows what the hell he is doing. He was at the house today to pay bills. Out to dinner right now with 2 of 3 kids. We do need to discuss S19. his spending is out of control( I think)and slow going with trying to find a summer job. I feel like I am the bad guy. H is happy to just pay the bills and not be involved in any other way. Still trying to detach...

[MrCAS]

Detaching from the emotions is the hardest part for me.

[willbwell]

Happy Mothers Day... This is the best job!
H is leaving out of town for a week. S 19 noticed H not wearing his ring. He made a comment to me. I said he should ask his dad about it. They have had no discussion about the sit at all. S19 is most bothered. He even sought out C while he was at college.
Anniversary is coming up next weekend. This also marks the one year date that I was let on to something not being right. ...We were out to dinner. H was so cold and unloving to me.
So, anniversary...just another day I suppose. No expectations. We will be in communication because s16 will be out of town at a big race and H will be there. I quess I could text with another parent to get updates instead. D15 talks/texts with H everyday.

on another note, since all of this I have been taking classes. I have been a SAHM for 21 years. have taken 3 classes at the community college. Told H my plans for my next class. It will be 12 months and starts in Aug. Got 0 reaction from H. He was supportive of me taking the other classes. Stopping myself from mindreading. But, my guess is H would just prefer I get a job....

[willbwell]

ANNIVERSARY coming up. I will treat it as just another day. No expectations. I am going to buy myself flowers and take my kids to a nice dinner out.
Plan to stay busy...
H will be out of town with s 16 at a race. Quess I will have to talk to him to get updates on race. Not sure that I want to.

[willbwell]

Can't stand how I can go back and forth so easily! Feel the need to ask H if he has figured it out yet... Its been a year! Know I shouldn't. Still want to flirt with him even after all the pain and turmoil. Tell myself to stop Pursuing!
Just miss him. His kids miss him.
Going to the beach this summer with D15. S16 will be there with a friend's family. I wish H would go. No strings attached
I know...can't help but think it. Have to stop myself from acting on it...( asking)

[BrightFuture]

willbewell, I know how you feel. It is a rollercoaster when it comes to emotions. Sometimes I feel that I want to ask H to just stop this nonsense and come home. Then I remember all of the posts I’ve read and all advices on this board that this can actually set the whole sitch back.
Hang in there.

[willbwell]

VETS AND THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN HERE...
Anniversary tomorrow. I know I should only be thinking about today not tomorrow. Just another day...
I am pleasant when H calls or is around. He is out of town now with s16. I don't expect anything from him tomorrow. He will call or text D. A 180 for me is to not talk to him or to blow him off. Why can't he know that for one day, I am not happy with the situation instead of pretending that everything is just fine...Its almost as if I allow him to think that what he is doing is ok. Its not.
Yes, I keep the road home paved smooth. Perhaps I wish he would feel a little of the pain he has caused me

[willbwell]

well have done ok. bought myself flowers and cake to share with kids. took 2 of 3 kids to dinner( 3rd child is at a race. H is with him) sent H pic of me and kids enjoying dinner. he called. I was my usual self, getting and giving updates...

[willbwell]

Backsliding
Well asked the H if he knows what he is doing yet. Also said I go day to day week to week putting my best foot forward.
I later went on to ask if we could communicate with S19. Since S19 lives with me and home from 1st year college, I want to be clear on my expectations. H asked What happened? Well nothing, but I don't want there to be any confusion re drinking, curfew, spending, parties,... H gives usual response ok. I have to take the lead on parenting. Can't 180 that. Up to H there would be no discipline, no consequences. Why should there be??

H gets back in town tonight(been gone 8days.) I have his car. Either I or s 19 will have to pick him up from airport. he has not called S19 all week. I am still mad a bitter, Can you tell??