Hello my friends!! Life has been super busy for us. Busy good, busy sad. Busy growing...both emotional, spiritually and mah belly!! 28 weeks in and baby boy #3 is kicking up a storm. Still able to run up to 6 miles, but the route must have a bathroom along the way. MUST!
My uncle had a biopsy last week and it's confirmed stage 4 cirrosis. He'll be dead within the year, probably a few months with his continuted drinking. My mom is having a really hard time with it. She doesn't accept that he won't stop drinking "maybe if we say...if we do..." I'm very grateful that today I can let people be themselves. I let her talk. Then I just say. "This is hard mom, but just try to accept he won't stop. If he does, we can celebrate. But do you want the last moments with him to be filled with arguing, or just loving him. Warts and all." I choose to take this time to say goodbye to a dear, sweet, loving man & father who has a disease. I just want him to know that I love him, because I know he doesn't love himself. He's angry, sad, and scared.
H has been very consistant in showing up when he says he is going to, consistant in placing no blame on me and being very respectful and caring. This weekend we sat down to talk about where to go from here when his lease is up. Then he layed this on me. He wants to be with me. He doesn't know if he can be the man he wants to be and that I deserve, but he wants to try. Broke off all contact with OW, admitted to the multiple W he has been sleeping with since gone. Won't say who, as to not involve them and I respect that. Handed me his phone records, which floored me since he had to get them from work, and highlighted the OW #'s so I would know who's those were. Gave me passwords to everything. I really was just surprised he came WITH it all. We discussed that either way, whether I decide he can live in the house until we can get the finances worked out before D or actually try to see if we can R, he would live in the basement bedroom. I had a list of things other than the above stuff, ie pick kids up from daycare 2 times a week, cook dinner twice a week, help out with housework. When I asked what he needed, he said "Nothing. Every small complaint I had, you have changed. So....yea."
I told him I was close to being ok with him moving back. I don't want to start my life as a single mom financially ruined, so it does make sense if he is able to live up to these things while here. I said I would need time to think about actually working on a R with him. I lean mostly to no. So, that's probably my answer. But, thanks to DB...I feel no need to rush to a decision.
I'm overcome by how far I've come in this journey. 6 months ago I came here having thought I was happily married (with distance and some more than normal disagreements) who just found out that my H was a serial cheater and wasn't "in love" anymore. I was desparate to save my M at all costs. Then I found out I was pregnant. Weeee.... Today, I know my worth. Today I am wonderful and happy alone with my 2 beautiful babies and the little one growing. I can breathe, wow. I remember in those first few months after BD, the panic attacks, the sobbing, the darkness. But I came here, and through you all, DB, counciling, God, I focused on me. What I want to change to be a better, stronger T. And I am. What I want in a relationship, what I deserve. I live in the moment, today. I still cry now and then. This wasn't my dream on my wedding day. But, it's my story. My life.
My story is still being written. Today I really don't see a marriage future with my H, but I also see no rush to make any final decisions. That, in and of itself is a miracle. Of course I still love him, but that isn't enough. That isn't the driving force in my decisions. How I am treated is.
Headed out to teach a bootcamp tonight! Hill sprints in this heat...gonna treat myself and the kids to some yogurt world!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
