I cant take on the mortgage on my own, W can just barely do it on her own.
I do not get any disability from the Army or VA yet. If you read some internet news (because you wont see it reported in the main stream media), thousands and thousands of us vets are gerting screwed. They go out of their way to drag out tour claim, and find ways to deny it. Its total crap, but it is what it is.
Yes I am willing to live in the house but separated. My only rule would be that neither of us is allowed to bring OP to the home.
I have another 24 hr reprieve. W texted me earlier saying her and her GF are spending another night at the shore. Guess I am good enough to take care of her son while she parties, but not good enough to love
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
The House is in both our names...as is the health insurance, and everything else. I think I am going to approach W and explain while I understand what she wants, and agree with her...that we need to slow down. Offer her a form of separation with me staying in the home until A) we can sell it and split any profit from the sale (I will not accept either continuing to owe or "breaking even") or I can get on my feet with a cushion of savings.
Thoughts?
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Well...W came home from her trip. I didnt say anything, but did carry in her bags. I guess I messed up when I asked if she dropped her GF off at the airport, because she sounded a little snippy.
Didnt bring up her trip, our R, or the D.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I had hoped someone would chime in and give me some pointers on how to conduct this upcoming talk with the W. She wants to do it in about 10 minutes. I guess wish me luck.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Offer her a form of separation with me staying in the home until A) we can sell it and split any profit from the sale (I will not accept either continuing to owe or "breaking even") or I can get on my feet with a cushion of savings.
It sounds to me like you're trying to control the sitch. You can't, and you shouldn't try. If you were controlling in the M then this is just going to seem like "more of the same" behavior. Let your W control everything about the S. When you talk with her, let her do 99% of the talking. You need to LISTEN. Don't offer suggestions, don't try to direct things, don't agree/ disagree/ reason/ explain/ negotiate/ etc. Just LISTEN. And VALIDATE. If you don't know how to validate then fall back to just listening. Make eye contact, nod your head, say "uh huh" and "I think I understand". Mirror her feelings back to her- "oh yes, I can see why you're upset about that." As an example of validation, maybe she says she wants to move? Tell her that's not what you want, but you do want her to be happy and if she feels that will make her happy then you support her decision. DON'T AGREE with her choice, just tell her you understand why she feels that way.
AS...Yeah, it didnt go horrible, but it didnt go well either.
I was never controlling in the R. We split the duties pretty much 50/50. Too be honest, to hear W talk now about how horrible the R is...I feel like "wait a minute, are we talking about the same R?"
I can tell you that she is done D.O.N.E. and says nothing I do will ever get her love back.
The good news? As long as I dont bring up the R, and or push her to see if theres a chance to come back, I can stay in the home until I get my crapp together.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
AS I dont want you to think that I am not listening to YOU . I have been doing all of the things that you and the others have told me, and following it in DR. I listen, and listen, and listen...and validate the W all the time. But I get baited in sometimes, and I need to do better at not getting defensive. Especially when she talks about intimate things...it just baits me right in. How can you going hot to trot to "you completely disgust me" practically overnight? As a man, I guess I am just not wired to understand that.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Too be honest, to hear W talk now about how horrible the R is...I feel like "wait a minute, are we talking about the same R?"
I hear you brother, it's tough to listen to all the spewing. You just want to drag out the photo albums and remind them that they actually enjoyed most of the M despite their recent rewriting of history. But of course they've totally bought into the lies they're telling themselves, so they are only going to react with anger if we try to tell them otherwise. So we zip our lips and hope that someday their fog clears and they remember.
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I can tell you that she is done D.O.N.E. and says nothing I do will ever get her love back.
Keep in mind that while she does believe that right NOW, that nearly every reconciled WAS has said that exact same thing at some point. It's script and no matter how sure she sounds she might still change her mind somewhere down the road.
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The good news? As long as I dont bring up the R, and or push her to see if theres a chance to come back, I can stay in the home until I get my crapp together.
That's great, use the time to show her your 180's and do remember that "dont bring up the R" part and take it to heart! Remove all pressure from her! Good luck!
I have been doing all of the things that you and the others have told me, and following it in DR.
Fantastic, keep it up
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I listen, and listen, and listen...and validate the W all the time. But I get baited in sometimes, and I need to do better at not getting defensive.
We all backslide now and then, just learn from it, pick yourself up and dust off and keep on with the DB'ing!
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Especially when she talks about intimate things...it just baits me right in. How can you going hot to trot to "you completely disgust me" practically overnight?
It just seems like it was overnight, it really took her months or even years to get there. Just remember that nothing is at it seems when you're dealing with these sitches.
. I have been doing all of the things that you and the others have told me, and following it in DR. I listen, and listen, and listen...and validate the W all the time. But I get baited in sometimes, and I need to do better at not getting defensive. Especially when she talks about intimate things...it just baits me right in. How can you going hot to trot to "you completely disgust me" practically overnight? As a man, I guess I am just not wired to understand that.