Offer her a form of separation with me staying in the home until A) we can sell it and split any profit from the sale (I will not accept either continuing to owe or "breaking even") or I can get on my feet with a cushion of savings.
It sounds to me like you're trying to control the sitch. You can't, and you shouldn't try. If you were controlling in the M then this is just going to seem like "more of the same" behavior. Let your W control everything about the S. When you talk with her, let her do 99% of the talking. You need to LISTEN. Don't offer suggestions, don't try to direct things, don't agree/ disagree/ reason/ explain/ negotiate/ etc. Just LISTEN. And VALIDATE. If you don't know how to validate then fall back to just listening. Make eye contact, nod your head, say "uh huh" and "I think I understand". Mirror her feelings back to her- "oh yes, I can see why you're upset about that." As an example of validation, maybe she says she wants to move? Tell her that's not what you want, but you do want her to be happy and if she feels that will make her happy then you support her decision. DON'T AGREE with her choice, just tell her you understand why she feels that way.
