PON... reading co-d (again!)... found this and thought of you.
// Detachment involves "present moment living" - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.//
We KNOW this... now lets practice it... together?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
WFM thanks for your continued support. You will find the more non family/friend support you can get the better for you. This is why I am huge fan of this forum, EE, ACoA and Alanon.
Just so you know I backslid above by confronting W about her disconnection. But I am not going to wallow in it. Like you said above "relinquish regrets over the past etc."
I will continue to practice this with and without you.
"Bond do you mind giving me some examples on what you did to detach and remove yourself from the crazy train"
The biggest thing was I learned that it wasn't all about me despite what my W would say. I changed, did 180s, etc. and kept them consistent.
My W isn't a talker, so this situation just made that lack of communication even worse. So I learned how communicate with her in different ways to see what would work. I looked at our relationship as if it were a blank slate. I asked her questions that required more than a 'yes' or 'no', to start a conversation. I learned how to read body language so that when I saw there was something she was uncomfortable with, I could steer around it.
When she would rant about things I KNOW wasn't true, I looked at her like a crazy person and pitied her rather than engage with her. It allowed me to not take things personally. While I was distancing, I left the door open by talking to her and asking how her day was without expecting that she would do the same.
When an occassion called for it, I called her out on some of the things she was saying that was untrue, and then walked away.
I think many of these things I recommended to you as well, but doing them consistently is the important thing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes you had but my head is much clearer now. I'm glad you posted this. My W is not a talker at all. She has a boatload of other crap in her sandbox that frankly needs fixing but I gave up in that months ago.
I was just thinking how I could start to communicate with her in a different way. Not R talk but other things that need addressing. Like simple things like church or how to alleviate stress of packing for vaca house etc..
I've started to read body language but still make mistakes. But have continued to not engauge.
She called me an ass h*le of a husband a few days ago. Looking back now I wish I addressed that in the moment . I took high road on it.
Thanks again for your reply. This is the path I've been working on.
I always say goodnight to her even though she never does. I want to set positive examples . Same if I'm going to store ask her what she needs. I'm slowly getting my power back. Gal helps and started writing more acoustic tunes
maybe ask her what she means? "how am I an a$$hole? Please let me know as I do not wish to be one"
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
So journaling. Got some great Ee support on below night. Plus talked to ACOA rep. I still have a long way to go on me and my work. Everyday is a struggle with detachment.
So tonight was sort of a perfect storm of events. I had baseball game at 530. Left work accident jammed in traffic for 40 minutes. While traveling home weather changes for worst. Not sure if game going to be canceled but I'm the coach so I needed to at least show up at field . I walk in door and w yapping how she doesn't want son playing no matter what . I tried to explain above that we need to at least show up until canceled. She gets huffy I was a little huffy. I go to field solo and guess what my son only one not at field. Game canceled .
After I got back I apologized and owned my behavior . She made snide remark and turned on silent treatment for the night. I didn't enguage. Made my apology owned my piece and walked when she provoked.
Here is where I disappointed myself . After this about hour later she was getting ready to go out. I asked her where she was heading. Caught myself but to late. Overall I'm disappointed in my lack of detachment today. I took her crap personal. The roller coaster ride got me off guard .
Again just journaling. Beating myself up a bit but moving on
