Trying to stay in it, keeps getting harder. #3

[Tallula]

There are many things I want to comment on. Here they are.

1. Of course you still love him!! I still love my serial cheater of a husband. I just love me more than to put up with being treated poorly. Also, I realized that the person I was dealing with, was NOT the H I loved. So that made it a bit easier to set some boundaries and today, my H (while not living here) treats me wonderfully. Speaks with respect. Really wants to make it up to me. So, don't beat yourself up!! But loving him doesn't mean you have to put up with abusive behavior.

2. When he says degrating things you have every right to say "I will not be spoken to this way, I will continue this converstaion when you can speak to me appropriatly" My H started with verbal abuse after Dday. Not in our 13 years together did he curse at me, much less call me horrendous & degrating names...but there I was being screamed at an inch from my face, being name called. I calmly would tell him the above. It didn't take but a few times for him to stop, and apologize. Since then he has told me that he had to focus all his anger on me, because it was too painful to admitt he was just a sick jerk who cheats on his wife. Now when he say this "pregnancy plan" BS, I would say "I will not accept that. It was not a plan." Period. The end. I started saying that to my H when he would try to compare my 3 months of pulling away a year ago, to his cheating. Like a "But you!!!" Um, no. I don't accept that.

3. Telling your family. It was so hard to let people know what was going on. Do I regret it? Some days, but I needed the support. I'm pregnant. You are pregnant. We need love and support and at the moment, your H is not giving that. He is threatening you with total abandonment. You don't have to go into all the specifics. My parent's simply know my H is cheating with a woman. Not multiple. Even though I don't believe I will stay with my H, he is the father of my kids and a very active parent. But, he did spend about one month canceling on the kids, all happy happy with main OW. That was hard for me, as I know this crazy moving away abandoning H you are incountering is. You need support. If you get back together, all you can control is you. Not your family. If your H gets mad, who cares?! I thought mine would blow a gasket when he found out they knew. He didn't. He used it to say that's why we will never work, because they hate him now. This weekend, he sat me down and asked if he could come home and try. Hand over phone records, passwords, admitted to every affair, broke off all contact with main OW and all others. Now, I didn't answer him. I'm done. But I tell you this because it was scary to just think of me and what I needed to take care of myself and my children. I was so worried it would ruin a chance a R with H. But since he wasn't thinking about me, I had to. And here he is, willing to try to work it out. Knowing my family knows. Our friends. I am the one that "made" him move out. I am the one who decided IF he comes back. Things that in the past I was scared would drive him away forever!!! Once I put me first, kindly & lovingly set & enforced my boundaries, I started to heal. I worked on the things within myself that I wanted to change and celebrated the strengths I already have. I know my worth! I'm going to be fine without my H. He saw that. He sees that. You can walk through your fear, and take care of you. If you do it lovingly and with kindness, I believe that is keeping the way home paved.

I am here, in your corner. You can do this! Moment by moment. But you don't have to put up with this junk. Tell him about the twins or don't. There are many things my H doesn't know. If you can try to put "outcomes" out of your mind and just be true to yourself and your needs, nothing you do will be wrong.